[IceCreamKid]

When someone asks more of you than you can or are willing to give, how do you react?

[Travelinglady]

Although I'm not sure I myself can always follow this advice, I think the most honest thing to do is just to say something like, "I want to help, but that's more than I can take on right now......" The "demanding" approach by someone is the toughest. That kind of thing can really burn me up.

If you don't mind my asking, do you have someone in particular in mind? I'm thinking, maybe, an elderly parent or a child?

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

When someone asks more of you than you can or are willing to give, how do you react?

IMHO this is a boundary issue. There was a time that I would have done/given whatever was asked regardless of it's imapct on me. Then I learned to have some personal boundaries.

Today if someone asks more of me than I can or am willing to give I tell them that's not something I can do. I might offer an alternative that I would be able to give them. That's if the person asks me.

If someone makes demands of me, regardless of whether I'm able to do the thing or not, I tend to get my back up. I don't like be ordered around.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Although I'm not sure I myself can always follow this advice, I think the most honest thing to do is just to say something like, "I want to help, but that's more than I can take on right now......" The "demanding" approach by someone is the toughest. That kind of thing can really burn me up.

If you don't mind my asking, do you have someone in particular in mind? I'm thinking, maybe, an elderly parent or a child?

Why should I say "I want to help" when I don't? The whole point of my post was someone imposing on me in an unwanted fashion. The last thing I want to say is "I want to help." I was actually thinking of pushy, overbearing, self-involved, self-aggrandizing people who want to force others to be a cheering section or human footstool.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

IMHO this is a boundary issue. There was a time that I would have done/given whatever was asked regardless of it's imapct on me. Then I learned to have some personal boundaries.

Today if someone asks more of me than I can or am willing to give I tell them that's not something I can do. I might offer an alternative that I would be able to give them. That's if the person asks me.

If someone makes demands of me, regardless of whether I'm able to do the thing or not, I tend to get my back up. I don't like be ordered around.

I've had my fill of being ordered around, too, Liz. I recognize it in its backhanded, passive aggressive fashion, too. And I agree with you that it is a boundary issue. The blatant stuff I can deal with "Got any spare change?" is an obvious demand. But "I'm so wonderful, damn you if you don't put up with me forcing you to acknowledge my wonderfulness" is a completely different ball o' wax, in my opinion. If I take the easy route and say "Yep, you're wonderful, the wonderfulest of all" then it opens the door for a constant river of self-aggrandizement. If I act ignorant of the subtext, then I get more of the self-aggrandizement because I'm s-l-o-w at recognizing Wonderful Needy Me's wonderfulness AND need for constant awe and amazement at her wonderfulness. Meanwhile for 8 hours a day I'm thinking to myself "I'm not getting paid for this." While I'm a big believer in acknowledging something head on in order to deal with it well, I do not think; I should say I have not thought in the past this is the way to deal with this, because of the damned if you do/damned if you don't aspect. And it isn't just an employment issue; a friend of mine is also dealing with an in-law that would absolutely have me signing up at the Instant Orphan club.

[Travelinglady]

Oops, sorry to have suggested that approach, then. I was thinking more of someone like my elderly mother, who has made demands on me.

Obviously, if you don't want to help, then you wouldn't want to say that! Of course, the most clear boundary setting would be to just say, "No"! You can elaborate or not elaborate depending on the circumstances. But, as Liz says, I have also tended to let people (especially my mother) step across my boundaries. We do need to decide what we can handle or feel comfortable with and respond accordingly.

Is that better?

[Perna]

For me, it depends on what the request is. I'm not even considering being "ordered" around as that automatically has me checking my perception of the situation.

My husband is very sensitive to being ordered so, when I had my hands full of grocery bags and called anxiously to him to "Get the door!" (open it) as the grocery bags were slipping from my grasp, etc. he stopped to argue with me instead. It was an eye opener to me and I work hard now to try and remember to "request" he get the door instead of just baldly stating my need without any thought of how the other person might perceive it. However, a key is that I don't feel badly about having stated it the way I did but I love my husband and want him to be happy. I cannot change him/his perceptions, only my own, so I choose to work to learn to state things in a way he can hear them well and respond in a way that helps us both.

But, if as it was originally stated someone "asks more of you than you can or are willing to give" I look at the relationship I have with that person and weigh how difficult/onerous the request is to me and how it might impact that relationship and then decide whether to be honest and say "No", or ask for more information, or just do whatever anyway.

I was 39 when I got married and was thinking of not changing my last name to my husband's since I had credit cards, etc. all in my name. We weren't planning on children so there would be no confusion problems but when I mentioned what I was thinking to my stepmother she got upset and I weighed how much longer my relationship to my stepmother was likely to be (10-15 years) versus how much I really cared about whether or not I changed my name and went ahead and changed it. I cared more about my relationship with my stepmother than whether I had to do the chores necessarily with changing my name.

If I didn't care that much about the person I might just say "No" (local club I belong to asking me to volunteer for something, say). If I weren't sure how I felt I would "stall" by asking clarifying questions that might clear up the situation, my perception, give me more time to figure out how I felt.

[Uprwestsdr]

I've been at this a loooong time. It's about putting up boundaries instead of people-pleasing. About accepting yourself as you are. I suggest practicing saying things like "I'm unable to do this." "I'll have to pass on it." Don't get into a lengthy reason why or try to explain yourself. No is a complete sentence. And when someone is going on and on about his/her problem, make an excuse and leave. "I have to go" and then walk away.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Uprwestsdr

I've been at this a loooong time. It's about putting up boundaries instead of people-pleasing. About accepting yourself as you are. I suggest practicing saying things like "I'm unable to do this." "I'll have to pass on it." Don't get into a lengthy reason why or try to explain yourself. No is a complete sentence. And when someone is going on and on about his/her problem, make an excuse and leave. "I have to go" and then walk away.

the online equivalent of that is <ignore>

[Gulchenrouz]

tell anyone whom is around you to "**** off, that will stop them talking at you, follow that up with "its all getting to boring dealing with their crap, you have enough of your own problems to deal with." that should stop them trying to talk to you about there problems letting you focus on your own. i have found that getting a printed t-shirt saying "Tell it to someone whom "actually" gives a ****" works also on the ones who are rather persistent in there effort to "share" whilst not actually listening. visual clues.

good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Why should I say "I want to help" when I don't? The whole point of my post was someone imposing on me in an unwanted fashion. The last thing I want to say is "I want to help." I was actually thinking of pushy, overbearing, self-involved, self-aggrandizing people who want to force others to be a cheering section or human footstool.

I think if you re-read PAYNES' post in another frame of mind you might understand that she was trying to be helpful. You didn't post a clear definition of what you want or don't want to say, in your original post.

If you can't live up to someone elses' requests or demands then you have two choices. Tell them and discuss what you are prepared to offer and set a firm boundary; I get the feeling from your above comment that you don't have a problem telling people what you will and won't do or say. The other thing to do is to tell them to hit the road.

What ever you do I wish you success

[disguise123]

i usually hide from them until the demand has gone away...... But you dont make alot of friends with my approach.

[lonegael]

Sometimes the problem with telling people directly to go f#¤%& themselves, while ot might be a very appropriate measure in light of the type of person and their way of getting in your face, might well be that it might not be so appropriate when you are with a group of people ar when this other person is in a position of being able to retaliate in a way that you would rather not have to deal with.

Often these folks play this game when you both are around people who aren't aware of the history between you, so if you react like that, then you come off looking like a complete jerk, even if you have every rght to tell these guys to eat the bird. The other folks might be people you will have to deal with later, and that might not be a reputation you want. If the praise hunter is someone who can really make your life miserable, this is something you have to think about too.

In both cases, I learned to give what we call in the business as "minimal reinforcement", in other words you kind of nod, give minimal eye contact and say, "yeah, uh huh, yeah, cool, yeah, uh huh," and change the topic, ask someone else there where they got that WONDERFUL shirt, etc. Pleasant, bland, not a direct declaration of war but not rewarding. After bit, because she's not getting fed, she'll go away. If she persists, then IN PRIVATE , if she isn't in a position to get back at you, or it won't bother you, tell her to hit the road. You don't want to cut your own nose off to get at her. HUGGGS and good luck. Those folks are hard to deal with.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

I think if you re-read PAYNES' post in another frame of mind you might understand that she was trying to be helpful. You didn't post a clear definition of what you want or don't want to say, in your original post.

If you can't live up to someone elses' requests or demands then you have two choices. Tell them and discuss what you are prepared to offer and set a firm boundary; I get the feeling from your above comment that you don't have a problem telling people what you will and won't do or say. The other thing to do is to tell them to hit the road.

What ever you do I wish you success

I think if you reread what I replied to Payne you'll see I was replying to Payne; I have already had a private discussion with Payne and if Payne is unhappy with anything I said or believes I owe her an apology, she can contact me directly and I will be happy to issue one to her with sincerity. Please protect your own feelings and report anything I post to the administrators so they can administer whatever punishment or correction you think is necessary to my posts, and may the road rise up to meet you.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Gulchenrouz

tell anyone whom is around you to "**** off, that will stop them talking at you, follow that up with "its all getting to boring dealing with their crap, you have enough of your own problems to deal with." that should stop them trying to talk to you about there problems letting you focus on your own. i have found that getting a printed t-shirt saying "Tell it to someone whom "actually" gives a ****" works also on the ones who are rather persistent in there effort to "share" whilst not actually listening. visual clues.

good luck.

Hello Gulchenrouz,
I think what I will do instead of using filthy language, I will gently suggest to my boss that I am not the right person to listen to her secrets about her marriage and that while I understand she is the greatest person in the entire world, and that I understand she is frustrated because not everyone is recognizing it...yet, that I worship God and only bow down before God. I know you will forgive me for not apologizing for trying to discuss a problem here because it should be okay for me to discuss a problem, and people who don't genuinely want to help can skip to the next person's thread. I don't believe I deserve to suffer abuse because I want to be treated decently. I try to treat others decently and those I find too distressing I generally try to avoid, rather than abusing them with filthy language, hateful looks, or getting others to hurt them. My question was about the people I cannot avoid, and who cause me extreme emotional distress that I did not ask for. I never said I was bored, but since you took the time to reply to me and since I find your sarcasm and veiled abusive language upsetting, I will explain to you and to everyone who will come after you that I cannot handle overbearing people; that I have no desire to stop them from being overbearing to anyone but ME; that I don't think I should have to give up my life to people who cannot see from the cues I give them (of course you cannot see me, so you cannot see what I mean here - but let me just say that I give cues that most people understand, just like I understood your veiled abusive language) that I am overwhelmed by their overbearing ways. I hope that explains what I meant more clearly.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by rapidcycla

i usually hide from them until the demand has gone away...... But you dont make alot of friends with my approach.

Sometimes this works. I hid from a woman who wanted to harangue me about her bowel problem until she finally figured out I didn't want to be her friend because I could see it would involved discussing her intestines.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I was actually thinking of pushy, overbearing, self-involved, self-aggrandizing people who want to force others to be a cheering section or human footstool.

This footstool would be running off on her stumpy little legs Why do you not just leave; how can someone "force" you to stay and listen?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Sometimes the problem with telling people directly to go f#¤%& themselves, while ot might be a very appropriate measure in light of the type of person and their way of getting in your face, might well be that it might not be so appropriate when you are with a group of people ar when this other person is in a position of being able to retaliate in a way that you would rather not have to deal with.

Often these folks play this game when you both are around people who aren't aware of the history between you, so if you react like that, then you come off looking like a complete jerk, even if you have every rght to tell these guys to eat the bird. The other folks might be people you will have to deal with later, and that might not be a reputation you want. If the praise hunter is someone who can really make your life miserable, this is something you have to think about too.

In both cases, I learned to give what we call in the business as "minimal reinforcement", in other words you kind of nod, give minimal eye contact and say, "yeah, uh huh, yeah, cool, yeah, uh huh," and change the topic, ask someone else there where they got that WONDERFUL shirt, etc. Pleasant, bland, not a direct declaration of war but not rewarding. After bit, because she's not getting fed, she'll go away. If she persists, then IN PRIVATE , if she isn't in a position to get back at you, or it won't bother you, tell her to hit the road. You don't want to cut your own nose off to get at her. HUGGGS and good luck. Those folks are hard to deal with.

Thank you very much for your advice and excellent explanation of what I was trying to say. In one of the situations I was thinking about when I started this thread I do exactly what you call "minimal reinforcement" but it just gets me down to have to do it over and over and over and over again; and I was beginning to feel that I had 'kick here' invisibly stamped on my forehead or something because it just keeps happening again and again and again. Having given it some more thought, though, the one constant is me. There are always going to be emotional vampires and I'm not 8 years old and trapped in hell anymore, so I can deal with this, I will deal with this. Thanks again.

[disguise123]

yep just politely tell your boss that its bothering u, goodluck.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by rapidcycla

yep just politely tell your boss that its bothering u, goodluck.

Or I could introduce my boss to Miss Bowels.

[disguise123]

lol thats classic

[JustAsSmall]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Sometimes this works. I hid from a woman who wanted to harangue me about her bowel problem until she finally figured out I didn't want to be her friend because I could see it would involved discussing her intestines.

Oh, GROSS!