[goldenwings]

My husband has a female coworker who he is, what I believe, in a emotional relationship with. He is extremely defensive of this relationship with her. When I told him I felt as though he respected her more than I, he said he did respect her more. They share personal issues, she divorced her husband shortly after he started to work with her (20 years now) and she remains single to this day. (Waiting for someone to become available?) They have gone on trips together, taken classes together and work together every day. I am very insecure over this, but when I try to address it, he tells me I am over reacting, a jelous wife, and it ends up in a fight. I am tired of being beat-up emotionally over her. I cant stand to be around her when I have to go into my husbands work place. But she always trys to be so nice to me, like she wants to be my buddy. Theres so much more to this story, but I hope this briefing offers enough information for someone to help me. Thank you for any help.

Maybe they are telling the truth ?

I wouldnt be happy with it either to be honest and would insist my hubby got another job but then thats just me...

[7DeadlySins]

Maybe they really are telling the truth as Tishie suggested...Although, I can definitely understand your viewpoint of being concerned. I think almost any wife would be a little angered by this event; I would at least. I'm a pretty jealous partner, but my boyfriend usually finds it funny lol.

Here is what I would do in your situation:

***Write your husband a letter telling him exactly how you feel about the situation. Don't be angry with your words, be honest and sincere when writing him your true feelings and how much it bothers you. I put this option down since you stated that actual face-to-face conversation seems to start arguments; which is pretty common.

***Also, I'm sure you won't do this, but avoid making assumptions as much as possible. Don't assume or speculate something is going on unless you have hard core evidence. I know it's hard; especially being married, but it will definitely avoid any rough arguments. This will also prevent you from regretting something that was said later

Please keep us updated on how your doing!

[Leed]

How DARE he say he respects her more than you!!!! WHY did he say that??? In what WAY does he respect her more?? That's an AWFUL thing to say to a wife!!

Just on that remark alone, I would insist that he leave that place, and get another job. Of course he won't, because he's been there so long. So you'd better have something prepared to say if he says "no." Ultimatums are not really good -- but you've got to do something!!

I would certainly go thru his clothes, and if I could, I'd go thru his phone if I could get my hands on it. I'd be a BIG snoop -- he's asking for it anyway. So he goes on trips & takes classes with her, huh?? Well, maybe *I* would take a trip without him!! I'd go someplace really NICE -- and have the time of my life. Then we'll see how HE likes it. Grrrrrr. He's making ME mad and I don't even know him. The bum. Hugs, Lee

[racee]

thanks for posting leed i had a post written up a few minutes ago and just couldn't send it was too heated and too much profanity

[goldenwings]

Thanks for the insight and advice everyone. I agree with Tishie and Fullmetal that he is telling the truth. It does not make it easy, (what in life is), and although this situation really rubs me the wrong way, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He does come home to me. Leed and racee, yup, I have checked his phone, pockets and the like. I even try to "pop" in unexpected at work just to see whats going on. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, only makes me mad to see them in the office together chatting. I just want her to know that I am all eyes and ears and to not get to comfortable thinking she can pretend to be my best friend when she knows how I feel regarding her friendship with my hubby. He clearly knows I will definitely be gone if I ever find out that they had indeed had been intimate. An emotional affair is devistating enough. I have taken trips without him and had great fun doing so. I am trying to work more on myself, joined LAFITNESS and love it, and do things to boost my self image and aleve my insecurity. He does notice when I do these things and I notice he is more attentive when I strike out on my own endevors. I suppose when they see you can survive without them, they realize they could try harder to love you. Any hoo, thanks for the input, advice and support. Blessings to you all.

Originally Posted by goldenwings

My husband has a female coworker who he is, what I believe, in a emotional relationship with. He is extremely defensive of this relationship with her. When I told him I felt as though he respected her more than I, he said he did respect her more. They share personal issues, she divorced her husband shortly after he started to work with her (20 years now) and she remains single to this day. (Waiting for someone to become available?) They have gone on trips together, taken classes together and work together every day. I am very insecure over this, but when I try to address it, he tells me I am over reacting, a jelous wife, and it ends up in a fight. I am tired of being beat-up emotionally over her. I cant stand to be around her when I have to go into my husbands work place. But she always trys to be so nice to me, like she wants to be my buddy. Theres so much more to this story, but I hope this briefing offers enough information for someone to help me. Thank you for any help.

They've been working together for 20 years? If they were going to get together it would have happened a long time ago.

In my experience with working closely with people....you spend AT LEAST 40 hours or more a week, sometimes sitting less than 2 feet from someone. you are in constant contact with them and depending on the type of jobs you have, you are actually doing whatever they need (as in a secretary role). They even have the terms work-husband and work-wife because when you do spend more hours at work than you do at home, you tend to form deep bonds with people, which makes it a hell of a lot more tolerable to go to work every day.
Is your husband a jerk for saying he respects someone more than you?
Of course he is
but is he really giving you a reason to doubt his fidelity? Is he defensive of his relationship because you keep asking?
I'm not trying to be a meanie, but when a woman acts jealous, men get defensive. If he wanted to be with that woman, he would have done it already - it sounds like he's had every opportunity. Could it just be that they are friends?

[jenkins09]

If they are sharing personal issues, and he stated that he respects her more than you, I feel you are justified in how you feel. If you have stated to him that you dont feel comfortable with him sharing personal issues (i'm assuming its regarding the two of you) and he continues to do so, I would be very hurt. Coming from a male perspective, he should of at least tried to reassure you before getting defensive.

It would appear that he has a hard time seeing this from your POV and that is very sad. This is the way that a lot of marriages end up with one partner having an affair, be it emotional or physical. Have you thought about seeking help from a therapist? even if you went by yourself it may help you. Do you have self-esteem issues that may be playing into this? If your gut is telling you something is up, I would trust it.

[Sunna]

My 2 cents. I agree with the seeming concensus that it's probably a work-wife, work-husband relationship. But what a thing to say that he respects her more! That feels like something he said with an intent to hurt you. A spiteful thing to say.

I could understand how he could respect her differently, you are in a different sphere of his life. You don't work in his workplace to make a professional respect comparison with you. And she is not his wife. Is he saying he does not value a wife, or just you as a wife (not sure which one's worse!) How can he compare you and her? Sheesh. Men!!

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by Sunna

My 2 cents. I agree with the seeming concensus that it's probably a work-wife, work-husband relationship. But what a thing to say that he respects her more! That feels like something he said with an intent to hurt you. A spiteful thing to say.

I could understand how he could respect her differently, you are in a different sphere of his life. You don't work in his workplace to make a professional respect comparison with you. And she is not his wife. Is he saying he does not value a wife, or just you as a wife (not sure which one's worse!) How can he compare you and her? Sheesh. Men!!

It's not just a male issue, women are notorious for the same thing, probably more so. I don't know what a "work wife, work husband" is, but I go to work to earn a paycheck. Not to find a work-wife. It's unavoidable to interact with the opposite sex, but show some respect to your partner.

Hello, goldenwings. Since your self-esteem is being tested and your husband is defensive, is couples therapy an option? There seem to be at the very least some communication problems that could use some help.