[charmin]

I have been accusing my wife of falling for someone else. I have no hard evidence by in my brain no matter what I find, receipt, music, greeting cards, texts on phone...I can twist it to mean that she is either interested in someone else or not interested in me. I have no proof of anything that would 'hold up in court' When I talk to her she seems honest and the past few days I have tried to put the thoughts aside and stopped snooping. Today I found a greeting card and assumed it was for someone else. She says it was going to be for me. I don't know if my brain is so warped I am ruining my relationship or what. How can work through this?

[charmin]

I am ruining a marriage of 12 years because of sudden trust issues. No matter what my wife says or does, no matter what receipt or music or text or phone calls she gets my mind twists it to 'prove' she is having an affair. None of the things I find prove anything real and she has been seemingly honest and patient with me through all this. I have read that often this can be a self esteem issue, I know I have low self esteem. How do I quit snooping and how do I relax and stop accusing when I find things that set me off?

Hello, charmin. Is professional help an option for you? Since you are having difficulties dealing with your concerns, do you think you might benefit from sorting things out with a professional?

[charmin]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, charmin. Is professional help an option for you? Since you are having difficulties dealing with your concerns, do you think you might benefit from sorting things out with a professional?

Yes I started seeing a counselor. This issue has developed since my last appointment. Marriage isn't going well, we are talking and both willing to see a marriage counselor but if I can't build trust, even in the short term it will all be for not.

Any advice on choosing a marriage counselor? I really like who I see but wife doesn't want to use him.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by charmin

I am ruining a marriage of 12 years because of sudden trust issues. No matter what my wife says or does, no matter what receipt or music or text or phone calls she gets my mind twists it to 'prove' she is having an affair. None of the things I find prove anything real and she has been seemingly honest and patient with me through all this. I have read that often this can be a self esteem issue, I know I have low self esteem. How do I quit snooping and how do I relax and stop accusing when I find things that set me off?

Do you have a therapist? Because this would be a good subject to discuss with your therapist. If you don't have a therapist or don't think you need one, you might consider marital counseling, which would give both you and your wife a chance to discuss the status of your relationship.

Good for you for owning the trust issues. And for getting help, which is the single biggest thing you can do to fix it. I'd add, make sure you communicate to your wife that you know the issue is yours, not hers.

http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/

[madisgram]

at one time in my previous marriage we went to counseling. what was recommened and we did it that way was for each of us have a separate counselor. at some point then we met with both counselors together...me, husband, both counselors. it helped because each of us could discuss our own concerns privately and then together. two counselors viewpoints about the dynamics of our marriage helped. this scenario works if both counselors are willing to communicate re both partners and then together.
hope this helps.

[A.jean]

Im glad that I found this post.Im not married and I have only been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months but I have the same problem and it is hard for me to trust.If I see something that doesnt mean anything I will twist it around and say he must like someone else and im always snooping to make sure that he is never lying to me.Im scared of losing him especially to someone else and getting hurt so i feel like I have to constantly make sure he isnt hiding anything from me.I too have low self esteem and I think that is part of the reason why I am the way i am.It's nice to know that im not the only one who feels this way

[embracinglife]

this is weird, but I've had concerns about my dad cheating on my mom before. I'm too scared to confront them and ask my mom if dad did ever cheat on her...but it could all be in my head.

At therapy last week I learned that I really don't trust my dad because of something he did a few years ago that really violated my trust. So maybe my thoughts could be coming from this.

Don't know if this helps, but maybe did your wife do something else to you that would have really violated your trust of her? Maybe something else happened causing those feelings.

[charmin]

The tangled web we weave...

I admitted to her I had an emotional affair. I call it a 75% affair. I guess that makes me feel better somehow that it never went to a hotel or bedroom but damage was still done.
To add to the story I did in fact find out she was doing the same thing. 100's of texts and hours of calls to a number she had attached to a different name in her cell phone. I did phone search and it belongs to the guy I was suspecting all along.

So. We had several heart to hearts. We both admit our marriage had been dead for several years. No love, no affection. It's all about the kids and jobs. We both have taken blame. I think we both see how the affairs started, someone who responds, shows interest, has new stories, the endorphins start pumping...

We are going to counselor Wednesday. We have both verbally said we want to try to hash this out. She isn't crazy about counselor because of bad childhood experience.

I have a few questions.

1. How do you ever trust again. Everything she does now sets me off. I do nothing but worry about it starting up again.

2. How do you know if the other person is serious about the counseling or just going through the motions to 'prove' the marriage is done.

We have both been trying to show more affection and use I love you's and touch and kiss and use nicer language.

Last night I lost it and yelled and set us back a step. I can't keep my head together and am self destructing. I don't handle stress well and I make things worse by my poorly thought out responses.

Any ideas on what to do until Wednesday to help me keep it together? Anything I could do before our session to make it more productive? How can I know if she is really trying or not?

HELP. We have created a train wreck.

[jenkins09]

To start you had a full blown affair, own it. Your wife doesnt set you off, you are reacting to what she says or does. Have you both sat down and discussed triggers? talk about setting up safeguards in your marriage? no secrets? all passwords to e-mail, phone, facebook are known to both of you?

The truth is you're in for a long journey my friend. As far as knowing if she is going through the motions, you wont know. While in therapy do YOUR work and dont worry about her. You cant control it, so dont waste energy in that area.

My wife had an affair and is now the one continually accusing me of cheating. I have one foot out the door because it is UNBEARABLE. You are going to be hypersensitive right now, but what is accusing her going to do? you cheated too, not just her. You will push her away if you continue on with the accusations.

Good luck with your counseling. I hope you can come out of this stronger, and wiser as both a couple and individuals.

[ChipmunkGal]

Charmin - I've been in your EXACT shoes before....many times before. Im really glad you are seeing a counselor privately. I do recommend marriage counseling as well. The good news is you have a 50/50 shot at being right. Since you have found no evidence yet of true "cheating" and all you have is your mind and gut feeling then it is only a 50% chance you are right. Thats better than being 100% right.....you may be wrong. This might all be in your head and you can work that out with your therapist OR your gut feeling may be right on target. I hope you are wrong and everything is okay but just keep in mind....if you need to calm yourself down when you panic and worry, just remember hat it's only 50% chance that she is betraying you...it's not 100% chance. This should be a little comforting at least.