[lavieenrose]

I've been in a very stuck, paralyzed place for such a long time, in all the major areas of life, due to strong fears of failure and feeling undeserving. My life feels out of control. I've felt unempowered, unable to take charge and chart a course, for a very long time in my life. I don't trust my judgment, I often don't think clearly, don't retain information, and my self-esteem is in the gutter. For quite a while, I've wanted to make an effort to meet someone, and have intended to register with an online dating site or two. I can't get started. I've written about this before, within another forum. I received feedback that I am as deserving of love as anyone else, despite being on disability for depression, anxiety and ADD, and not having worked professionally for 7 years, and despite being in my mid-fifties. Maybe I need to "act as if" I felt healthy self-esteem, if I can manage to conjure that. I don't want my life to continue to be this small. I've allowed it to be that way for way too long. But, part of me wants to wave a white flag, and admit defeat after all this time of stagnation and wishful thinking. It's the same with another goal of wanting to at least try to get out of poverty, and find work or be self-employed. Again, I am terrified of failure and humiliation. Again, I know that this isn't rocket science. I need to plan small, concrete steps and take them, not waiting for the fear to subside.

I'm in a discouraged and somewhat despairing state of mind at this moment. Perhaps, for that reason, I shouldn't be writing at all, or should wait for a brighter mood, a brighter moment. Maybe I just need to vent and express the anger and frustration I feel toward myself, and grief over so many years lost to living small.

[Sunna]

I am having self-esteem issues too. Today I am trying to believe a cheerie thought "Well, yes, we do need to know we are loved. I love myself, and I believe God loves me, that's enough, and if there are no people that love me that's their loss." It's kind of funny. But you gotta love yourself. Low self-esteem, depression and all. Even if it's just to hug your poor sad self, and say "there, there."

But yeah, I think you got it. Plan and execute small concrete steps. And if you fall on your face, get up, and maybe try a smaller step, and once it's done make sure you pause and appreciate yourself for having accomplished it, and not deride for the step being small.

As to the regrets, and beating self up for having wasted your life so far, you know it serves no purpose. When I get tired of "I wasted my life" tune, I try to imagine myself that I am born anew, just now, and for whatever reason I have this body and this mind, which are what they are. I happen to know the whole history and how everything got the way it is. But it's just a history. It doesn't mean I have to continue the same story.

Now, I can choose to moan oh why don't I have a shiny new Porsche of a mind/body, rather than this beat up rusty Pinto (oh, so unfair!). Or I walk around, kick the old tires and say, well it is what it is, but most parts still work, arms, legs, memory like swiss cheese on some parts, but solid, detail and in 3d in other areas, little slow on joy and the enthusiasm tank is quite empty, but all in all not so bad. Very unique to say the least. At least I do have this thing that I can, if I choose to, use to interract with the world. And why not? So, ok. Here I am. Hello world! Now, what can I do? Maybe something to help this body and this mind. Oh, dunno, sun is shinning, maybe a walk?

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ of COURSE you deserve all the things that most people have!! You deserve to be loved, to work, to have a good life. Sure I can understand the fear of failure, but who ISN'T afraid? If we fail, so what? It doesn't kill us ~ it is NOT humiliating. It's just that we tried, and it didn't work THAT time, so we'll try again! Everyone fails at one time or another -- no one is "safe" from a failure at some point in their life. But because we fail at something doesn't mean that WE are a failure. It just means that something we tried to do didn't work out! That's all.

God doesn't make junk -- so you are NOT a failure. You ARE deserving of love and you have every right to look for it! It's not going to come knocking at your door -- so you've got to get out there and make yourself open to it. It doesn't matter how old you are, or whether or not you're on disability for whatever. What matters is YOU and the fact that you are a decent, loving human being -- and there IS someone out there for you!!! And you CAN be self-employed if you want to be - or you don't have to be if you don't want!! It's whatever you choose.

This is your life -- so get out there and be seen - and know that you are worthy of love and of having a joy-filled life. Don't "settle" for what you have. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[lavieenrose]

Thank you Sunna and Leed for your supportive input. You're right, Sunna, that I do need to love myself (or put effort into trying), and stop the self-criticism. It's hard to break old habits, but what's there to do but keep practicing new ones. And bemoaning the past becomes another way to lose yet more time. There is the now. There's only the now. I'm grateful for the reminder to value what I am, what I have.

Leed, thanks for your loving, encouraging message and the reminder that everyone experiences failure, that it isn't a personal failing. I'm sure that in the myopia of the emotional moments, I overlook all that I've done right.

[danvb]

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." ~Brene Brown

http://www.brenebrown.com/do-we-need-more-shame/

[shezbut]

lavieenrose,

I am sorry that you're having a tough time. I can relate to the very low self-esteem.

My low self-esteem seems to be embedded within me. Turning my attitude around isn't an overnight task. But it is something that I must work hard to overcome. Some days are better than others ~ and I try to simply leave it at that. (Rather than obsessing about why.)

I really have to push myself to post on those dark days, for myself. I want so badly to erase it all ~ rather than be viewed poorly. I am such a chicken. You have great strength, for not giving in to the fear. Good for you! Kudos lavieenrose!!

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Shezbut for your kindness and support. I do need to find more acceptance of the dark days, and not spin my wheels about it. It really goes nowhere.

[danvb]

Shezbut: I really have to push myself to post on those dark days, for myself. I want so badly to erase it all ~ rather than be viewed poorly. I am such a chicken.

Shezbut, I feel that way sometimes too, where I just want to delete everything I've written here because I'm afraid people will think I'm too weird or too pushy or too sure of myself or too arrogant... or... or... Yeah, I can do a real head-job on myself about stuff like that...

Anyway... keep your chin up...

Well, I hope you know that you are important here, and that I like what you have to say... and hope you don't give in and delete anything... I'm sorry that you are feeling low. That's a darned miserable way to be. I hope you feel better soon...

[shezbut]

Thanks danvb

It's nice to feel understood and less "alone".

[UCLAFan]

i'm sorry you are feeling like this.i have dealt with most things you mentioned.i have fear of meeting new people and dating.hope things get better for ya.

[Nola22]

lavie, I only saw this post a few moments ago thanks to UCLAFan's reply, so I'm sorry for jumping in so late. I have only known you a short while, and I've not been very communicative lately (please accept my apologies), but from my interactions with you (for which I am grateful!!), you are such a lovely, loving, warm, intelligent, empathetic, kind, and amazing person. I am honored to know you, and have great respect for your perspective and talents for healing and helping others. You have so much to offer yourself and the world, lavie, and we are privileged to get a portion of all that here on PC.

I agree with you and some of the other posters here that taking on these large endeavors in small steps forward is the best plan. Attempting to tackle even one all at once may seem daunting, and become cause for inaction or fear. From what I have read in the "do rights" thread, you try and accomplish many wondrous and interesting things on a regular basis, and I'm often in awe of your willingness for adventure and the fun you seem to have.

lavie, I wish you strength, happiness, love, peace, success, prosperity, contentment, and the ability to see yourself as the fantastic person you truly are. All the best to you, dear friend.

[lavieenrose]

Thanks so much to UCLAfan and Nola. I didn't know that there were additional posts, and so forgive my negligence. I appreciate your encouraging hopeful messages.

[SlatkaMala]

I don't have any brilliant advice to give you. Just want to say that I could have written this post myself and you're not alone.

[suzzie]

(((( lavi))) my t asked me to watch this recently. thought it might help you too.

go to www.ted.com
then click on talks at the top
scroll down to bottom and click on page 5
click on brene brown - the power of vulnerability

[lavieenrose]

SlatkaMala, thanks. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these issues, that you and others can identify with the pain, as we try to find healing.

Suzzie, thanks for the link. It was posted in another thread. Well worth reposting here. I had already watched the video. Important ideas, I think.