[SakuraLi]

I was reading an article about father issues earlier on a blog. It left me wondering how and why do us women unconciously let our interactions with our fathers as kids wreak such havock on our emotions well into adulthood? Why do our interactions with men seem to hinge on us wanting men to love us and of course we never recieve love in a health manner despite what we want and need? Has anyone over come the emotional pain and gone on to live a healthy life with a relationship with an emotionally and mentally healthy man who treats you well? If so how did you do it? I`d like to know because i am in the process of pulling out of this unhealthy cycle myself.

[Leed]

That's a really good question. My father was emotionally unavailable. He wasn't able to show his emotions - his feelings. He HAD them - he just couldn't SHOW them. It was very difficult for him, since he'd been one of nine children and HE didn't get the attention he needed either, plus he had Tourette's syndrome and was horribly teased & beaten up at school so he withdrew alot.

When I got married (right out of high school) I married a man who was very controlling & verbally abusive - a side of him I didn't see when we dated for 3 years. I guess I MUST have been looking for someone to "take care" of me -- but I sure didn't like the way he was doing it. I couldn't leave the house without his "permission" and he had to know where I was every minute -- and he'd call me wherever it was I went!! Since I was so lily-livered, I put up with it for many many years - in fact until my children were grown -- and then we divorced. I'd had it.

I did find a wonderful man who treated me KINDLY and as an equal. We were partners -- no one ruled the roost. So I think with maturity, you can have a healthy relationship. I have to add tho that I did go thru therapy for years off and on. My issue wasn't my father but my mother -- although I think it all came out in the wash anyway. lol Hugs, Lee

[salukigirl]

I don't know WHY we let them run our lives...but they do. The sad thing is that this isn't really discussed in it's effect on men. The roles of father figures on men have a huge impact also. Seems like it can go either way for both sexes. Either watching your father (or mother) treat the other like crap makes you think it's okay to be treated (and to treat others) that way OR it sends you in the opposite direction. Like the people who have really controlling parents growing up and do the opposite when they have kids and let them do whatever they want.

I definitely had father issues and have only recently come to terms with them. I have always dated very controlling men who were very attached to me bc, as Leed, my dad doesn't show emotions ever.

I called him the other day to tell him I got a scholarship to study in Austria and his response was "mmm hmm". That lasted for about 30 seconds until he changed the topic to something else like the weather or telling me to quit smoking. I have seen him cry twice and one of those was my grandma's (his mom) funeral. The other was when I was little and I told him I wanted to stay with my mom more. Most of the time his emotions manifest as anger.

I have had to learn to stand up for myself and not let guys control me. BUT I have admittedly taken it too far. His actions have made me unwilling to accept help from men in general. I'm working on it but it's really hard for me to let a guy help me bc I feel that them helping me means they think I'm weak. It has caused some trouble in my relationship and I'm trying to let it go but it will take a while.

[SakuraLi]

I agree ladies. As I was growing up and especially from ages 3-14 my dad was really cold hearted fussing at my mom and yelling at me and siblings especially my one sister who was really bad at the time. Just very grouchy like he just didnt want to be around us. He`d never participate in the family he was just the bread winner and disciplinarian and my mom thinks to this day he was an ok dad because he kept a roof over our head and good food to eat and clothes on our back and didnt abuse us. and yes i appreciate that but being scared of your dad because he shuns you, doesnt seem to love or at the very least like you is no way to live. my mom made excuses galore for him and I just knew she was full of crap all these years. my mom to this day is also ultra involved and nice, perky but over bearing and likes to play the martyr when you tell her to back off. and i am at a constant war with her about her need to contol my life ( which she calls caring) and making her back off! She has never taught me how to deal with males so as a result my relationship with males has always been so weird. since my early 20s it was hell on earth. the worst losers u can imagine were drawn to me and my current bf with whom im working on breaking up with is one of them. Ive been venting about him for many months here justifying why i should give him a chance but he forgot our anniversary which was valentines day week and so I emailed him tueday last week asked him if he really wants to be with me and i gave him till friday of the end of that week to reply and he keeps giving excuses that he was tired and hes working on it which could be a legit excuse but still i dont like it! hes become such a slacker in our relationship these last 9 months and when he goes off his meds pretty soon i know he will be a lot worse but my plan to leave him is taking longer to implement. i want to just talk to him on the phone and not through email to hash this thing out. and of course he is away at school an making this tougher than it would be if he was here

[kitten16]

Father issues are huge for me...My father was a narcissist. I've read a bit about this - narcissism can take root when a child is neglected and invalidated. It happened to both my parents at the hands of their own abusive parents. You never get enough of what you need, so you're constantly attending to yourself, the way you'd be doing if you had a head wound and it was constantly bleeding. When you've got a wound like that, you can't afford a moment to think of anything other than what's happening to you. I understand that my father was in great pain most of his life. And I feel compassion for him now, long after he's been gone. But the fact is he did horrendous damage to me. And it's definitely not the kind of thing that can ever be fixed, as you're asking. Unfortunately!

You have to live with the damage, manage it like a chronic disorder.

For me, I know I have a tendency to run headlong straight at any remotely attractive guy who resembles my father. It's an irresistible challenge - I've got to make this unavailable guy accept me at last, and that way I can resolve the main issue of my childhood. But when I choose someone who doesn't accept me, what's built into the situation is a person who can't respond to me. Just like my father, this guy will never change. He can't be reached, and it's his issue, not really mine. But I spiral into this thing where I'm blaming myself -- what did I do wrong, what didn't I say, why why why can't he see how wonderful and sweet and adorable I am? Why does he treat me like the enemy?

Chasing men who are remote, withdrawn, withholding, is a dead end. And I know that. Yet that need for the unrecoverable love of my dad never goes away. So I have this pattern. And as you can see I'm aware of it, but I'm firmly in the grip of it, like, ALL the time.

[SlatkaMala]

My father was a very cruel, vicious man who was an untreated bipolar and also addicted to alcohol and cocaine. I never knew which "father" I would see on any given day. When he was brutal, he was BRUTAL. He was always horrid to me.

The only thing he praised me for was being pretty. But God help me if I gained even an ounce above his prescribed weight for me, or if I got a zit or anything else that had any negative impact on my looks. I know that was a BIG reason for my having an eating disorder.

I've had some pretty f'ed up abusive relationships in my life time. I always went after the beautiful boys who were total arseholes. I guess I have been hurt so many times that I had this "Well as long as they're handsome and look good on my arm, so what?" attitude.

I also tend to do the "leave them before they leave me" thing. I am always so nervous during the dating process. Over half the time, I just run away and say screw it before a real relationship even takes place.

I refuse do to the pursuing. He has to make all the moves. My father and his side of the family said that only *****s will call or make any kind of pursing move. I guess that's why I end up with arseholes, eh?

I also worry about what others think about my choice of man. Like if I don't pick a gorgeous one, then I must be some hideous cow or something. I know that's effed up.

I just assume that my father damaged me so badly that I don't even deserve anyone any way.

[SakuraLi]

Wow ladies this makes me so sad to hear. I definately understand some of your pain. But I`ve never been abused by my dad, just given the cold shoulder by my dad, never able to say anything to him without him cutting me off mid conversation and not wanting to hear the rest. I guess the fear of the unknown was the biggest thing I delt with like how fussy and irratated would he be. my thing was to avoid him like the plague. and I`ve avoided males like the plague all my life. the worst ones are always drawn to me. they come out of the wood works to trick me, use me and abuse me. And since i really crave male attention I just put up with it. my believe in my eary 20s was any attention is good attention. these days i dont believe that way of thinking. but with my current boyfriend life has been turbulent in the past I have been so upset with him lately and I talked with him about possibly breaking up and I just let out all my frustrations to him and he cared and he listened and he wats to improve his end of things and make the relationship better. im glad my opening up to him seemed to make a diff. if it didnt i would have left him. I have been so upset with him for many months prior to confronting him recently because he seemed to get unavailable and distant and that cause me to worry so much. but he is away at college and works and admitted he was stressed out and tired a lot and he has SZ which also takes a lot out of him physically. I dont want to father issues i have to wreck my interactions with men and I am taking steps to improve it. i just need to reprogram myself to think positively and change how i react to men and my boyfriend. i believe its hard to change but awareness about your problem is essential to take steps to change.i wish you ladies the best and hope you will take steps to change for yourself. just remember you are worthy, worth while and beautiful. dont believe anything different. peace.

[salukigirl]

That is the first thing I look for in a guy. My bf now will be an amazing father. I see him around his little cousin and he gets this sparkle in his eye. He wants kids so bad and is awesome with kids. I have dated guys who just seemed awkward around little kids and I definitely want kids so that is a HUGE factor in determining who I date. I know what it was like to grow up with a cold, distant father (my bf knows the feeling as well) and neither of us want that for our kids. So sometimes it's good to have those issues because you never forget that feeling. Makes you easier to relate to and you never forget what that felt like. Y'know? Like when you feel that some adults just totally forget what it was like to be a teenager. I feel like, when you go through some of that neglect or abuse, you always remember how it would have felt to have a genuine person there to help you out. And now you can pass that along to your kids.