[charmin]

12 year marriage. Stopped communicating about feelings. We are raising kids going through the motions. I have "emotional affair" for a few months, decide to end it. About same time I suspect wife is doing same thing. She denies it, I start to unravel because I know something is wrong and can't put my finger on it. I go to extremes and snoop. I find out she is doing the same thing. She admits. But seems mad at me for snooping. We are going to a counselor in 1 week. She said she cut things off from other man. (I still have my snooping stuff in place and I think this is true.) Tonight she seems like she is sad and misses him. I understand this but it hurts me.

I have a desire to save the marriage. I do love her and I am not that mad about her affair. I know how easy it is when the person at home is ignoring you. I did it too.

I have doubts about her willingness to be open and work with a counselor, she has previous bad experience and she seems cold and withdrawn.

Granted all this happened in the last 3-5 days, I may be expecting too much too soon. I want to fix things right now or know they can't be fixed to move on.

What do you suggest I do on a daily basis? How should I prepare for counseling. Can I do anything to help her while there? What can I do to build her trust in me and how do I build trust in her?

I'm trying to keep things happy and pleasant as best I can and it was most of today but she was grumpy and snapped at me and we had a minor arguement tonight. I admit I'm feeling fragile and take the littlest things to their worst extremes.

Any journaling methods that may help me survive these next few weeks? Any tactics on how to function during times like this?

[Leed]

First you're going to have to be patient. Since you admit to ignoring her, I imagine she put more emotional attachment into her "affair" than you did, so she probably IS unhappy right now and she probably DOES miss this guy. Have you asked her if she WANTS to save the marriage or did you assume? If she also wants to, just be patient with her until she gets this guy out of her system. It might take awhile.

You're going to have to be more attentive to her - compliment her on her looks, on her dinners, on her efforts as a wife and mother. She started this affair cause she wasn't getting what she needed from you -- attention! So you're going to have to pay close attention to her and not fall back into your old habits. Don't make it "fake" tho or she'll see right thru you. If she gets grumpy, try to be understanding. She's been holding these feelings in for a long time. You're lucky she didn't bean you with a frying pan.

Best of luck and I hope things work out for you both. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[jenkins09]

I am going to disagree with you Lee. She started this affair because she has no boundaries and you could also question her moral compass, his as well. He didnt make her do anything, she willingly chose to have the affair, that is a separate issue. The admitted neglect on both parts is a marital issue.

She could have come to her husband and voiced her displeasure, as he could have, but they didnt. The bottom line is no matter how bad things were between them, the individual having the affair owns it.

[IceCreamKid]

Why don't you consider getting separate counseling just for yourself? If your appointment for joint counseling is in one week, relax. Seriously, I think relaxing would be the best thing for both of you for this week.

[charmin]

OK. We went to one session of counseling. She is OK with going to more, another is scheduled in 2 weeks.

I've read "5 Love Languages" she just started it. I think this book could help thousands of marriages. After understanding where each of us are coming from I hope the counselor can give us direction on how to connect better. We weren't ignoring each other we weren't talking the same language! I was trying, she was trying but neither of us knew.

It looks like we are both willing to put in some effort and try to save things.

I know I have trust issues, don't know if or when they'll go way. I'm sure she does too.

We are not out of the woods by any means but we have professional help, we got some family involved and we are still talking and trying to keep communication lines open.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by charmin

OK. We went to one session of counseling. She is OK with going to more, another is scheduled in 2 weeks.

I've read "5 Love Languages" she just started it. I think this book could help thousands of marriages. After understanding where each of us are coming from I hope the counselor can give us direction on how to connect better. We weren't ignoring each other we weren't talking the same language! I was trying, she was trying but neither of us knew.

It looks like we are both willing to put in some effort and try to save things.

I know I have trust issues, don't know if or when they'll go way. I'm sure she does too.

We are not out of the woods by any means but we have professional help, we got some family involved and we are still talking and trying to keep communication lines open.

That's nice. Are you going to get separate counseling for yourself?