[simplydifficult]

Hello,

I am 30, born on June 7. I have a 5yr old daughter. I've been in an off and on relationship for the past 8 years. It has come to my knowledge that I have a disorder. I have studied my behavior patterns and done some research and I have come to realize I am bipolar.

I am not married. After 6 years since I had my daughter, I have struggled much in my relationship with my partner. It never seems to progress. This last time we got back together after a really bad break-up, we agreed it would be our last shot at making it work. Our relationship went well for 5 months.

My boyfriend had some behaviors of his own I battled with (depression, anger). He had a few losses in his family within two years including his eldest brother and step-father. I would acknowledge a problem when one would arise with him and would try an be supportive; however, considering our past problems in our relationship that would trigger fights, I would avoid any problem by keeping away during the present moment. In turn, my partner felt I was leaving him hanging and didn't care. We would talk about the present issue and have it resolved.

I can be the happiest woman alive one day to being the worst thing that has ever happened to my boyfriend the next. I broke up with him a month ago. I was feeling disregarded. The moment I am feeling alone and he's out doing something else he enjoys, I become anxious and make comments that would make him respond and give me answers to help reassure me that he is not out doing what I think he may be. I brought up a lot of our past problems that still haunt me on this day. I don't feel i can fully forgive him; however, I love and care about him very much. He has come a very long way since we both met and has stepped up. I feel safe when I am with him. I only feel comfortable with him. Not even with my own family do I feel comfortable being around.

Now I feel I am losing him for good. He's tired of going back and forth with me. He tells me that he never stopped loving me and caring for me, but that I need to find help. He's done with all the negativity. He says he will continue working hard to help support our daughter and help me the best way he can, but that our relationship has been a failure and why is it that I can not accept that? He's tired of fighting with me. I don't blame him. I am hurt.

I don't have insurance (unable to afford); so, I am not able to find help other than maybe through talking with others.

I regret letting him go and telling him that it's best that I keep away. I did let him know that I just didn't want to hurt him anymore. It's really hard on me and it isn't fair because I miss his company a lot and I feel lost without him. I only have my daughter who helps keep me centered and even so, I just feel like I am getting no where. I live with my younger brother and my daughter shares a room with me.

I recently had my evaluation at work and now I am no longer happy with my job as I no longer have any hope for growth. There is no room for me to grow in my company without a degree. I am presently studying towards my BA in Health Services Administration, but have two years to go and to be honest, the only reason I am doing this is because I have the opportunity to take courses online for this degree and not quit my job to do nursing school which I can not risk doing at this time.

I am at the point of not looking forward to anything. I feel my life is meaningless. I wake up every morning and force a smile on my face and come home feeling tired and not wanting to do anything. I don't feel I can do better by my daughter. I'm sitting here in tears because it's unfair that I feel the way i do and have no control. I want my family back and I want to be stable. I don't know how I can achieve that now. I'm slowly losing everything.

If you have gotten this far through reading my post, I thank you and appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. Any advice is greatly welcomed.

Welcome to the Community, simplydifficult. My thought is for you to talk to your general practitioner to see if she/he has any suggestions. If you do have bipolar you might benefit from medications. Your doctor might be able to help you, or even refer you to professionals for an evaluation and any treatment that is indicated.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/fin...therapy/all/1/
http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?sec...our_local_nami

You might also call the county social services or state health department to find out if you might qualify for assistance. Explain your circumstances and see what is available. Your may qualify for some health services, job training or education assistance. Who know?

Good luck.

[simplydifficult]

Hello there,

Thanks so much for your advice and resources that will be of help to me. I have contacted local NAMI and left a message this morning for a call back. I'm sure i'd find the guidance I neeed. Again, thank you.

[madisgram]

i agree with byz. follow up with your doc and go from there.
i'd also look at the relationship with your bf. seems like there is a lot of conflict between you two. don't know if you both are compatible, imho. i'd look at why you feel more comfortable staying with him or if you and he should consider a breather from each other. seems as tho you both have issues with each other and are stuck. healthy relationships are give and take and not having resentments about the past.

[Perna]

Hi, simplydifficult, welcome to PsychCentral.

It sounds like you still have people and ideas/dreams around you; I would put them together and talk to the people. Does your boyfriend know of your desires for family and job/career? You are living with your brother, does he have any other resources he can offer you? Can you take basic nursing courses that are required in the first couple years and get a corresponding job (nurse's aide, LPN while working for RN, etc.) while you also take the practice courses or get a loan or scholarship of some kind?

Maybe you can see if there are other single mothers working for degrees and get in a shared housing situation for them; I know in my area there are often special college programs for single mothers to get ahead. I would talk to your school counselor and see if there might be a program you would qualify for.

Maybe you and your boyfriend could do a little relationship counseling together? Do you know what your boyfriend wants (rather than what he does not want)? Maybe you all can have a heart-to-heart talk and figure out a way to help each other as "friends" and put the harder relationship problems on hold for a bit.

[Martina]

If you get your moods under control, your life will be much better. Whether or not you get back with this man or move on to a different, better relationship, you need to get treatment for your disorder.

It's expensive without insurance, though.

Are you low-income? Could you apply for Medicaid? I believe they have mental health services.

Call your local county mental health service (if there is one) and ask about programs for low or moderate income people. Many docs/etc. offer services on a sliding scale. My therapist did, just because she's not on my insurance network and I have a LOT of debt. I'm not low-income, just high-debt. You could find a pdoc and/or therapist that will work with you, if you try.

For the medications, ask for free samples - I've been getting free samples for one of my meds for over a year. And if you can't get samples, be frank with your doc that you need the cheapest medication that will work for your case. They might start with something like Lithium, which where I live is $13 bucks retail price. If it works for you, that would be great. And maybe Risperdal, which is on the $4 generic list at major pharmacies.

There are also prescription assistance programs for people without insurance. Google "prescription assistance" and you'll find plenty. It does take time to apply for them all, but you could even get all your meds for FREE if you qualify. It's worth the time.

If you're Bipolar, talking about it might help....but it's not going to fix everything. You need medications, and therapy if you can access it.

Good luck.

Akkk....you poor darling heart!....I have done some of this.

While my actions are always either ...withdrawing or directed at the self...and never have been attacking the other...it has been AS destructive to others as that which you have described.

I am just going through your post bit by bit and replying as I go.....

You say..."It never seems to progress."...At some point we must truly do an inventory...asking ourselves...if we are always hitting this wall in our relationship...and the relationship is not evolving or serving to be a "soft place to fall" for either of you...what,then are we accomplishing?

You say....you can be the happiest woman alive one day and The worst thing that has ever happened to my boyfriend the nextThat is very concerning.I have horrific issues in my marriage....and yet I can only be uplifting,encouraging,and as bad as things are even now...I still cook for him...clean for him...and cover him with a blanket when he looks cold...(just for example).

Please be clear...I am not comparing me to you ...saying I am doing better...what I mean to say is this.There are relationships which are bad...but non-volatile.There are relationships where mutual respect has been breached or was never there and lines are crossed....making it so much easier to be in a revolving door of line-crossing.It must be near impossible to erase those lines once drawn.Once verbal and physical volatility has been done and repeated...something is broken.Without two people really looking in the mirror and devoted to counseling...this tends to spiral out of control.

You must also logically view the 'broke up' portion.Sometimes we scream..."I'm done!" and it can arise from a place inside where what we really mean is..."Ugh!!!...nothing I have tried is fixing us...you don't see my side...I am fed up with not being heard...valued...ect...and to emphasize how much I mean this...I am saying I don't want you...but...what I want is for you to run to me...and fix us."

Well that backfires in a really shi**y way.People get tired of wondering if things will always lurk from a place where they are in constant limbo..."am I going to be dumped?"..."How can I trust that I wont be abandoned?" they get to where all they can do is succumb to the fact that a bond is doomed...and the connection breaks.

I know this because I have created this in alot of areas in my life.I am borderline by the way.You may want to investigate borderline personality disorder.

There is something of a mix up here...if you take alot of your statements...written on small bits of paper...ie the following...you will see some discrepancies .
it never seems to progress
I have struggled very much with him
We agreed it would be our last shot
I'd try to be supportive
I would avoid any problem by keeping away
He felt I didn't care
We'd resolve the issue
I can be the happiest woman alive
I can be the worst thing that ever happened to him
I broke up with him because I felt disregarded
Once I feel alone,and he is happy...I feel anxious
I don't feel I can truly forgive him
I love and care about him very much
I miss his company
I have to wonder if you just.....don't want to be alone?

You say ..."I only have my daughter who helps keep me centered"
....but...it isn't her job to do that for her mom..that's a big responsibility for a daughter to bare.If she is all that you have which centers you...then...you need to find what...within you, you can do...think...feel... to create that centeredness within for your self.At some point and in the event of any given day she isn't there to fulfill that in you.

I don't think you should accuse yourself of being unfair for feeling the way you do.But,you can try to highlight what is good....and revel in it.And note what can be improved...that you've the power to change...and take steps.

You say you feel you can't do better by your daughter...I am a mum of all grown sons...3 of them....I think if I had loved me....just loved me....and lived in the moment ...not in the past...or in tomorrow...and lived like only this moment mattered .....It would have made me the best mum I could hope to be.

I am soooo sorry you are crying.I would hug you if I could.Please ....please.....get an outside viewpoint...a therapist.Look on line for an 800 number you can call if you find yourself in this despair....or please keep posting to find yourself supported or to sound off about how you feel....here at p.c

sincere huggggs...

WO.olf