[distancedistressed]

Several times has marriage popped up in the list of conversations between my girlfriend and me. I actually like the idea oof settling down with her... I like it a lot. [: but, I've been catholic my whole life, while she has been mormon. She loves her religion..... I don't know what to think of it... before I met her I would crack jokes all the time about mormons... but now I'm trying to read and understand it more, even try to understand some things from her interpretations... It doesn't make sense to me... not at all! It's just illogical to everything I know and have learned... my mind is telling me to deny it... but my heart is telling me to accept it anyway.If she were to marry me, she would have to go against her religion by marrying a nonmormon. She's fine with it because she loves me, but she believes that only another mormon soul would go to heaven, so, she would be alone in the afterlife due to my soul not going to heaven. I don't really believe this because I'm catholic.... but I don't want her to believe her whole life that I won't be with her after we die.... I love her... but I don't know what to do... please help me.... I'm really puzzled and confused.....

[lynn P.]

I was the same religion as you and married a muslim man. I know there are many interfaith marriages that work but alot that don't. I didn't think it would be a problem but it has and the difference in culture is also a problem.

I don't agree that only specific groups go heaven IMO. We're not supposed to talk about religion at PC so I hope this thread remains open. You could always PM me if you want. To me the heaven part should be the least of your worries - if you have kids what will you both agree to teach them - I think this will be the bigger problem. I ended up converting but I regret it now. Would her family expect you to convert?

[embracinglife]

i think this is something you two would have to work out between yourselves. Maybe you would want to work this whole religion thing out before getting married so that even if you had different beliefs, you still accepted one another. Not sure if that helps.

There have been mixed marriages forever. Some how some way people find a way to make things work.

There are a lot of things to take into consideration before you even worry about the afterlife.

Will her family reject her if she marries out of her religion?
Will yours?

If you have children, how would you raise them?

Can you respect her beliefs even though they are different than yours? Can she still practice her faith after you marry or would you want her to convert or follow your religion?

You may want to find other people who have gone through this, especially Mormons who have left the church....they can probably give you good advice through their experience.

[Martina]

I would be one of those Mormons who left the church. I was born & raised in Utah. Never believed a word of that crap. It was shoved down my throat my entire life.

When I told my family I was moving in with my boyfriend, it did NOT go over well. And then when I revealed that I was pregnant on my wedding day, yeah, that wasn't so nice either.

I moved 3 states away to get away from that culture and my family. My family is finally starting to leave me alone about religion.

The Mormon church is very strong in it's ability to either keep people together or rip them apart.

I hate to say it, but she WILL at some point try to convert you. It's part of the religion. She wants to take you to the temple and marry you in the covenant so that she WILL see you in the afterlife. She may not admit this, but if she is like most of the Mormons I know, this is what she hopes will happen.

[distancedistressed]

I don't understand her thought process about it... she doesn't understand it... but believes it just because she was born into it. I would love it if she converted to y religion... but I don't know if that would sit well with her family. She loves them a lot, and the last thing I would want to do is cause them to be split for the rest of her life. She says she would never force me to convert to being mormon, and that it's my choice... she really wants to get married in the temple because it's been her dream for so long... a problem isn't future children for us...we'll just let them choose what they want.. but if she marries a non mormon, she wouldn't be able to go to temple anymore... at least I think that's what it was.... I'm pretty sure... I respect her choice to follow it... I haven't told her that I don't exactly believe it... I don't want to split her beliefs because of me.. but I really do love her... sometimes I think I should just join her religion so I can make her happy... I just want her to be happy.... I wanna stress that she doesn't even ask me about this at all or even try to convert me... but she has mentioned that we wouldn't be together after and that during our marriage she wouldn't be able to go to the church... please provide more insight. Also, did not know religion wasn't allowed on here... oh well, please don't delete the thread....

[hoping4best]

I dont think one shud convert to another religion just becoz they want to be wid someone they love. Its way deeper than that, its about what u think abt God. And plz dont take it lightly,its abt ur belief

[lynn P.]

You might think you won' t have differences over the children but I think you would or the kids might end up missing out on the traditional ceremonies of both religions. I think her family will start to pressure her if you were to have kids.

You're easy going and flexible like I was when I was young. The one who's more flexible will end up sacrificing more of their beliefs. I ended up regretting what I sacrificed. The religion I converted to was more radical in beliefs and the mormon religion is more radical than your religion. I don't advise converting especially since you can't rationalize the beliefs. I made that mistake and ended up feeling resentful / betrayed by the religion.

[Perna]

I don't know, if she is unwilling to look at her religious beliefs based on what she believes, she's probably not ready to leave her parents and cleave to you in a true marriage? What else might she be unwilling to change over the years because it was what she was taught as a child? It sounds like a larger problem than just "religion".

[WolfsGirl]

Interfaith marriages can work. But they take A LOT of work. I was raised Protestant and married a Muslim. When we married, neither of us was particularly devout. Neither of us converted, and we just "accepted" the other's beliefs. When we had kids, the plan was to raise them knowing both religions and let them decide for themselves when they felt ready. In the end, after our boys were born, my ex decided since they were "his sons" they should be raised in his faith. I studied Islam quite extensively, and became the "go to" parent when my boys had questions b/c I understood it from an educated viewpoint whereas Dad only knew what he had been told growing up. And, yes, I said "ex"... we were married 29 years and have been divorced for a year now. Did religion play a part in our split? No, not at all.

It certainly doesn't make a marriage any easier when you don't have common beliefs, but it CAN be done. I do not think anyone should convert for someone else. One should only convert when one truly believes another religion best serves their idea of the truth and the way to salvation, IMHO.

[salukigirl]

I totally agree with Perna. The religion seems like a vehicle for larger problems. If both people are passionate about their religion (or even if one is and the other isn't) it will cause problems. And, when religion is a major part of your life, as it is hers, it's pretty hard to work around those issues.

My ex bf's parents actually divorced over religion. They are good friends and like hanging out together but religion was such a big part of each of their lives that they couldn't do marriage together.

Not to mention, it doesn't sound like her religion is really the issue. It's the fact that she is blinded by it. Do you think you can be with someone forever who you consider to be "illogical". And it also sounds like you would be miserable in her religion if you chose to convert. I don't understand how someone can have such an opposite way of thinking than yourself but you still feel the need to marry her? Maybe it's just me. But, personally, I could NEVER marry a republican. Just can't do it. They could be the most awesome person, but I am too passionate about politics. And I find their "logic" to be kinda stupid. Sounds like it might be the same with you and her religion?

It also sounds like you are upset bc she only believes this bc her parents basically told her to. I can't stand that either. I want to be with someone who thinks independently and doesn't believe one way or another simply bc their parents do. So what I'm saying, is that this really sounds like personality differences...not religion. Bc if you were with a woman who still felt passionately about being mormon, but bc SHE had done the research and the self-exploration to decide on it.....this conversation wouldn't be happening.

I'm not trying to be harsh. Just, IMO, it sounds like you are a little more focused on being married than the real issues separating you two. I just hate seeing people make a life-long commitment when there are obvious real issues there and they do it just bc they think they should.

[Martina]

Let's just say, my new therapist says she has treated many "recovering Mormons" as she puts it. They brainwash you. Especially if you are talking about a girl who grew up in Utah, Idaho, Arizona, etc. She doesn't know how to think because everyone always told her how to think and what to believe. It's just what everyone else was doing, so she follows along, and doesn't want to be the one to go astray because heaven forbid you actually have your own brain and think differently than the herd.

Sorry.....can you tell I'm still a little bitter?

[distancedistressed]

Yeah... all of you have really made good points though. We know we're not ready for a commitment, it's just talk... sometimes I think like that, but in the end Ii don't thiink I'll convert.. she's not what one would call a typical mormon though... XD she just believes, and yet doesn't act on it. So yeah.. but I'll try to get her to research up on it so she can see what is so strange about it all... her personality is wonderful though! That's why I like her so much. Like I've said, religion isn't even one of those things we talk about, it's just occasionally come up and I ponder waaay too much. But thanks for all the comments. Neither of us are really super dedicated to our religions.. but I like mine... and I think it would be awesome if she converted. I'll work on it, and I'll come back to you guys with a response. Thanks for all the insight.

[(JD)]

This relationship won't work as a marriage, sorry to say. Trust me. Nothing's wrong with either one of you, but you won't be able to give up your religion, nor she hers and remain happy. It will come back to haunt you or her, and enter into fights and possibly hiddem animosity. When religion is a big part of someone's life, it has to be also considered in a marriage....that's one reason why counseling through the church is required before you can be married there.

This is why, though greatly attacked by non believers, some religions don't even want you dating someone outside of your own religion. It just doesn't work. Unless...you both give up your religion and have none or a new one together.

Perhaps you both need to agree to be just good friends, and forget any marriage ideas, saving you both heartache later?

[salukigirl]

distanced - I don't really think it's fair for you to have her research her own religion specifically to tell her it's illogical and stupid. That is you trying to change her. If she is not trying to do that to you, why try and do it to her? Sure my bf might think a certain way about things and I think that is stupid but I would never go out of my way to force him to change.

I hate to say it but I agree with JD. Unfortunately, organized religion causes unnecessary conflict. And it's not like these are two religions that are laid back....these are two up-tight religions. I'm catholic (non-practicing) and I had to watch my mom go through the whole annulment process and then watch my step-dad convert to catholicism just so they would be accepted by the catholic community! Depending on the sect of Mormonism she believes in.....they're just as bad, if not worse. You both will basically be ostracized from both communities no matter what happens. Neither of you can be married in a church of either faith unless someone converts. And, my guess is, her family will not be accepting of having a wedding outside a church.

Religion is a dangerous thing....especially when love is involved. I guess I'm having trouble understanding how you could be so against something so important to her and you basically said it was flat out stupid and ridiculous....yet you want to be with her?

[AvidReader]

Good luck to you, distancedistressed. You've gotten a lot of great advice on this thread. I'm Roman Catholic myself, and I lived in northeastern Nevada (just a couple of hours from Salt Lake City), where there were a lot of LDS folks, and boy, those are two religions that would be very hard to reconcile. Plus, it has been my own experience that there is quite a bit of animosity between the two denominations, at least in the region where I lived.

I would offer one word of caution, which you can feel free to take or leave: You mentioned perhaps letting any future children you may have choose their religion. This would be quite challenging when the religions involved are the Catholic Church and the LDS Church (e.g., what to do about baptism, First Communion, reconciliation?).

I know that's getting ahead of things since you are only at the serious-dating stage now, but it's something to keep in mind.

Best of luck to you.

[Martina]

AvidReader brings up an EXCELLENT point. I know you might think your teenage son or daughter could choose their religion with good thought.

But what about your infant child? Are you going to do a blessing in the LDS church, or a christening? The baby sure ain't going to decide.

What about your 8 year old child? Do they really know enough to choose between the two religions? That's when the LDS baptise.

I know nothing about first communion since I wasn't raised Catholic, but that happens somewhere in childhood too.

There's a lot to think about.

[distancedistressed]

I don't want to change her religion... or force anything on her... they're her beliefs........ you're right about that saluki, but I don't know what to think About breaking up with her.... I really really reallly like her...... we've got time to think about it... I don't know... I don't really think her religion all together is stupid and ridiculous.... but there are 1 or two things I don't like... I'm willing to accept her religion.. but I just don't know if inter marriage would work out... these are things my girlfriend and I will just have to decide on tofether... religion complicates relationships to a whole new level... <:/

[(JD)]

While you really, really like her, can you imagine really, really liking someone who ALSO shares your faith? Now THAT is really wonderful! Stay friends, just not lovers.

I suggest you both, each separately and perhaps together, go to the study groups of your faith(s) and learn what it is you really believe. It may not matter to you, and then again, it may.

My brother "converted/changed" his faith when he married a catholic girl. Yes, the children were forced to attend Catholic mass and catechism, but that was the end of their faith for my brother never really got involved. How sad for all of them, imo.

Adding the element of shared spirituality is something you can't understand until you have it. But don't pass it up, it's worth pursuing!

Marriages with shared spirituality do not end in divorce? Religion is often a deal breaker.

[salukigirl]

Another thing I forgot to mention....if you love each other and religion does not complicate things until marriage.....who says you HAVE to get married?

[with or without you]

My mom is a devout Catholic and dated a Jewish man for over 4 years in the '60s. She said they decided to go their separate ways because they just couldn't bridge the divide, so the speak. I don't know the exact reason, but I suspect it's not necessarily because he was Jewish, but that he was pretty much agnostic. If he was observant, maybe it would be another story. She said his family was very kind to her, though, and she went to his wedding. They still keep in touch once in a while, he's married with a few kids but not in the best of health right now.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

Another thing I forgot to mention....if you love each other and religion does not complicate things until marriage.....who says you HAVE to get married?

exactly.

[distancedistressed]

Noo... it still matters at least a little bit, people... we gotta get married.. :P

[with or without you]

btw, distancedistressed - if you two know in your hearts you REALLY love each other and you want to spend the rest of your lives with one another, you won't let this come between you. But if her religion is that important to her and she can't compromise her beliefs (and, which in this case means not only just attending services but an eventual attempt to convert you), then you should move on. Despite your sincere attempt to be open-minded and educate yourself about the LDS Church, you say you still find tenets of that faith to be ridiculous and you can't help feeling that way. You can't accept it, and that's OK. Anyway, I'm a non-practicing Catholic and that's what I would do if I were in your situation. Good luck...