[Omers]

I've seen a lot of posts lately where those in and around my age worry or have negative feelings about not having a partner. Just my $.02 but something to ponder....

We are still working, healing, growing, changing. Often I find that people who are attracted to me are either attracted to my woundedness or wounded themselves (not that that is a bad thing, just hard on a relationship). First, I think we need and deserve that "me" time we never got and get to know our new and healthy self. Second, if we start a relationship now, in the midst of our healing and growing is it going to be what we and our partners need and want in a relationship when we heal?

I know for me the kind of person I want to be in relationship with, the caliber of person I deserve is not attracted to me in that way YET. Don't get me wrong, they are loving compassionate people but they are healthy, stable people who want to be partnered with someone equally as healthy and strong. That isn't me... YET.

Dunno... for those of us on long, difficult, life changing journeys of healing wouldn't getting a partner now be kinda like getting married t 12? We don't know what beautiful being we WILL become yet.

I do not know if "healing" is the word I would use. In my view, feeling ready to take on the challenge of a relationship is the key. Some may never be healed, but may have reached a point of readiness.

[Leed]

Thanks for that Byzantine! Just my thoughts, but I don't think we EVER are fully healed. I don't think it's really possible with alot of us. Seems like so many of us have such deep seated problems, that even though we've learned how to deal/cope with them, we'll never fully get "rid" of them. They've been ingrained in our psyche' so long that they're just closeted in the basement cupboard and will hopefully stay there.

So I agree with you that we become 'ready' to take on the challenge of a relationship. Rather than being healed, we've become stronger and more prepared. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[missbelle]

you have such a good point in your journey towards healing. I attracted all the wrong men because I was not together as a person. I never could figure why...all these guys were attracted to me.......they were all needy and I had no self esteem and willing to take anyone who would pay attention to me.I would be their caregiver but when I needed them to care for me, they couldn't.....not their fault ...I was the one who sought out these men and then wanted them to change.....

I learned and grew and got much healthier but it hurt a lot of people including my own children.Now I attract healty people, men, and women and know immediately which ones I need to back away from. Lesson learned but I wish it happened much sooner then it did!!

[Omers]

dunno maybe I am nieve but I still believe that I will heal and that my diagnosis is "temporary" and doesn't define who I am or who I can become. And if I'm wrong... celibacy isn't so bad... thought about being a nun at one point anyway!

Setting goals and defining recovery may make a difference.

http://www.storiedmind.com/2010/09/1...ental-illness/
http://gmj.gallup.com/content/126884...?version=print
http://www.uic.edu/depts/wellctr/dimen.shtml
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/21307
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

[Omers]

Interesting group of articles to cite.
Just felt that some needed to be reminded that maybe being in a relationship wasn't right for them yet. Wasn't really trying to define "healed" as I think that is different for everyone.

[hoping4best]

I agree with u. I am myself not ready to be in a relationship of ANY sort with guys. Im not READY for it, and i consider myself in the process of HEALING. so i have decided not to go for a relationship just for the sake of it,and i'll wait and c what i'll become n want when im HEALED.

[Marie123]

I am alone at age 64 after living with an abuser for 31 years. It took all of my courage to get a divorce, seeing that being alone was my greatest fear in life.

The one sentence that pushed me forward: 'Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

We can only heal to a certain extent, then live with what is left and keep on going.

[2MuchCoffee]

Omers - What a great post!

I'm in the middle of this one right now. Separated for a year from a husband who was passive-aggressive, cold, non-intimate, withheld affection, and judged me for needing it. I spent almost 13 years thinking there was something wrong with me. It was so bad that when I found out he'd been having an affair for the first 3 years of our marriage - I stayed for almost another 10. wtf

So I know I have my issues, co-dependency from growing up in an alcoholic home, abandonment, fear of being alone, distrust, and others. But it seems to be too tall an order for me to heal all of that before finding a new relationship. I would be alone the rest of my life if that was the case.

SO, the key might be to figure out what is priority for me to get straight within myself before getting into another relationship and repeating mistakes of the past. I need to look for someone I can trust, who would care for me as I am while I work on the rest of me. I can hope.

[Omers]

For me the realization came when I was journaling on specific traits of what I want in a partner. So much of my "junk" would get in the way of them being who I wanted them to be! For example I want someone who appreciates things like art and opera but with my depression and anxiety I can't do those things right now.

I also looked around and found some of these people and it is like I am invisible to them IMO because we are in "different worlds". I have a couple that I am friends with and several that I am in professional relationships with. So... they see me just not always as friend or partner material. Not that they are stuck up or snobs but they are looking for a partner who can be with them and be their equal... right now I am not that.

((((((Omers)))))......things fall into place in their proper timing.

Forget about healing, i think i've just reached acceptance of who i am. I'm not going to be the person i fantasized about when i was younger, nor will i have that life.

But maybe my real life (dysfunctional as it is) is more interesting than a fantasy, and so am I.

[Miss Peculiar]

Originally Posted by Omers

I've seen a lot of posts lately where those in and around my age worry or have negative feelings about not having a partner. Just my $.02 but something to ponder....

We are still working, healing, growing, changing. Often I find that people who are attracted to me are either attracted to my woundedness or wounded themselves (not that that is a bad thing, just hard on a relationship). First, I think we need and deserve that "me" time we never got and get to know our new and healthy self. Second, if we start a relationship now, in the midst of our healing and growing is it going to be what we and our partners need and want in a relationship when we heal?

I know for me the kind of person I want to be in relationship with, the caliber of person I deserve is not attracted to me in that way YET. Don't get me wrong, they are loving compassionate people but they are healthy, stable people who want to be partnered with someone equally as healthy and strong. That isn't me... YET.

Dunno... for those of us on long, difficult, life changing journeys of healing wouldn't getting a partner now be kinda like getting married t 12? We don't know what beautiful being we WILL become yet.

I couldnt agree with you more, I was lucky that the man that married me 22years ago stuck with me while I healing, and believe me my problems where very deep seated and many. If I had to start a relationship BEFORE I had healed myself ( with help of cause and yes I said healed yay) I dont think I would have concentrated on myself enough to get to where I am today. The only reason I could concentrate on myself within my marriage is because we got together when we were kids and sort of grew up together.
I do believe you can heal the mind, it's that belief that got me to were I am today.

[Omers]

To me, IMO, Acceptance of who you are IS healing... at least most of it.