Troubled Friendship

I guess I'm freaking out on the inside but, remaining composed and collected on the outside...Basically, I thought I could fix a friendship...and all of a sudden felt bad for abandoning the guy...so, despite the advice from my therapist, best friend, and my own mother I text the guy ( yes, we know what people are thinking... this is already a bad sign! wow.) All I say is hello, after reading some of his facebook, I just didn't want him to think I hate him..

I have problems with him but, I don't hate him. Anywho, a couple minutes later my phone rings...to make a long story short... this is my guy friend who basically gets upset with me for telling him we can never be alone again....and upset with me because I say NO to his idea of us being friends with benefits.

Here's the part that is worrisome:

He says,
"you know, we're going to have sex eventually...Don't make me sound like a horrible person, because I know I won't end up forcing you, it will probably end up being mutual and you will like it."

well, I don't want to have sex with him but, the part that is interesting to me is he spent a long time telling me/trying to convince me to make out with him...and he was right.. for a while....he was just all talk but, eventually he ended up forcing me...

How can I trust that he would never force me to have sex if he has already forced me to make out with him?
it just sounds way to hypocritical.
I mean, he can be a fun person but, then he can just be a jerk.
To me, this situation just reminds me of the many times he pressured me to make out with him and then eventually he just made me...
I feel like this is the same thing.

. I was friends with him for over 2 years before this whole situation got complicated, so its hard to let go of who he USED to be.!

blah.

I don't understand why you go around the guy.If you have these thoughts and he "Forced" you to kiss him...why hang out with him at all?You say "pressured you to kiss him",....more than once?.How does that happen?If you felt "forced" once...why do you continue going near him?Sounds like you are sending him mixed signals.Is this a court case waiting to happen? If you feel that something will happen where you will feel "raped"...yet you keep going around him....I feel sorry for the guy.Just stay away from him and stop giving him mixed signals.This is exactly how men end up in court.Just stay away from him.You are setting him up.Pressuring and forcing are two different things.One is rape...the other is you needing to draw distinct boundaries.JMO...sorry but I have three sons and I find this disturbing to think that women can throw this word around in such loose form.

Obviously he ruined the relationship by ruining your trust in him, why should you feel guilty for this? If he's capable of forcing himself upon you and over stepping boundaries in the way you described he could probably do worse. Not a definite, but possibly. You need to watch your own back in this situation. Don't feel guilty for his behavior.

"...the (many times he pressured me) to make out with him then eventually made me..."
I understand vulnerable.I think it's great you are working on boundaries.Girls need to say very clear...no is no.I'm sorry you "offended me with a word"? Oh OK...well I am pretty confident so I'll live.Yes ,we post here because we have issues...but also because we want a reply.Please clarify whether you prefer a reply when you post?I worry alot about this situation arising in my sons lives.So I am reiterating ....be very clear verbally with males."Despite the advice of ...my mom,my T ,and my best friend....I texted the guy."I really would listen to the advice you are getting...but that's me.I agree don't feel guilty for his behavior.
Take good care of yourself
Wolf

p.s. sometimes as people we know that certain things are bad for us, yet we have a hard time letting those things go,
thats why people do drugs...have addictions...etc..... its a common issue.

Yes, I should say No.
Yes, I should listen and many times I have.
Yes, I plan on working on setting proper boundaries.

however, there's a lot more to this issue then any one post could possibly say.......

done talking about it though.

he sounds like he is manipulating you into raping you without you even knowing it. because he has convinced you that you wanted it. what a horrible thing. please dont feel bad for him, he is using you, id say you cannot be friends with someone like this

I'll be frank and this will probably sound mean.

You know he doesn't give a damn about your boundaries and he doesn't respect your comfort levels. He has already made it very clear that he plans to have sex with you and in that statement he's pretty much saying again he doesn't care about your boundaries.

Yes, continuing to see him will send mixed signals and if you continue sending these mixed signals you are bound to get hurt. Unless you are willing to be extremely, EXTREMELY assertive and indefinitely keep to the rule of not hanging out with him alone then you are going to end up getting hurt.

You need to make decisions to protect yourself and if you already feel threatened by this guy then you should steer clear.

So you are comparing your friendship with him to a drug addiction. You are aware that drug addictions kill people right? And knowingly signing yourself up for one is just kind of stupid. (hey I warned I'd be mean) Also in saying that we do things that are bad for us, that is really a problem for each individual and people don't always recognize that their addictions are bad. But you do.

There may be more to this issue but obviously it is making you uncomfortable and he doesn't care about your boundaries. He has made that perfectly clear. If you're going to continue seeing him with this knowledge then you know what's going to end up happening. You need to protect yourself. If he's forcing himself on you then he is not a real friend and is using and manipulating you.

You also don't seem to actually care about your friend, if you cared about him you'd keep away from him so he doesn't end up in your mind "raping" you and then you'll feel the repercussions of rape; trauma, you'll have difficulty getting close to anyone and that's not even the half of it. And then what if you decide to press charges? You're going to end up hurting yourself and this boy.

Good job smacky....this is a toxic relationship.....but you have been warned and you still proceeded.....why and what do you get out of it? You seem to be punishing yourself! Don't!

Rape wasn't a good term to use. All of this, even my therapist said would probably be considered PRESSURE//MANIPULATION...i don't see the guy in person however....i haven't seen him in months... i accidentally erased a previous comment that stated that I haven't seen him in months and this post was actually formed over a phone conversation. I've actually managed to not see him in person....and stay away from him in that context. The next boundary i haven't quite got down is having COMPLETE separation from him....which would include ignoring his phone calls...really, my issue with boundaries has been prevalent my whole life...i was sexually violated when i was 10 years old and when I was about 16. The inability/difficulty in saying NO started young but, I'm doing what I can now because I believe I am old enough to change/ defend myself, I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm 21.
...so as for warned and still proceeded... I'm working on it.

p.s. thanks for being mean. you make valid points.

Well Jazzy, you can guarantee I'll never bull**** you when it comes to your safety

I'm sorry that you've been hurt in the past, that's a rough start for anybody. But like you said, you're grown up now and you can defend yourself. Saying no is hard sometimes but you can do it! Stomp your feet if you have to!

Oh! I'm 21 too! Yay for being 21!

If this shithead ever did go too far, which it sounds like is most likely, you could have a hard time pressing charges because of your history with him, ongoing relationship and communication with him. Sad but true. And if he got away with it with you, guarantee he'd do it again to someone else. This needs to stop.

Protect yourself. His feelings be damned, he obviously doesn't care about yours. Stay away. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this!

(This is coming from someone who has personal experience being sexually abused as a child, not knowing how to say "no", starving for affection from men, everything you're talking about. I paid a personal price, and continue to every day, for not saying "no" soon enough and getting away from an unhealthy/dangerous situation.)

((((Terribly sorry anyone has been hurt))))

Part of growing up is learning how to know your values, set your boundaries according to them & NOT BE FLEXIBLE on those values. Not to let pier pressure or even the low moral society values that have taken over pressure you either. Holding onto your values & beliefs is the most important thing we can learn to take care of ourselves in this life.