[pallycoo]

Ok here is the issue. Recently after a stupid fight my husband passworded his iPod touch from me. Our whole relationship he has never passworded things from me.

This is what the fight was over: My husband downloaded a browser to his ipod that was passworded originally he told me the password....then later I took the ipod to put music on. He asked what I was doing very quickly so it piqued my suspicions. I checked and he had changed the browser password. I asked him for the new one and he refused. This made me suspicious. I didnt want the password so I could snoop on him but him telling me it shows that he has nothing to hide.

He now has the entire ipod passworded from me. I dont think there should be secrets in a marriage. I am completly open and honest with him. He knows all my passwords and even though he never looks at my stuff its my way of saying you can trust me, i have nothing to hide. When he had his ipod shuffle he had no problem with me using it. the touch has internet access now all of a sudden he doesnt want me near it. And he used to let me use the touch if he wasnt and everything. I dont want his password so i can snoop, i just want it because that shows he can be open and honest with me, has nothing to hide and also because i want things to be the way they were before: when we were in the car I could pick songs from my playlist or OUR playlist, or if i want to surprise him by putting some pictures on his ipod for him. If he has nothing to hide from me then I dont see a reason for him to password me from the ipod. He is trying to say its because he doesnt want people in his electronics....but I am his wife....i believe we should share everything. I dont try to say well I bought this so you cant use it....thats not how it works.

And another thing it has made him act different around me....he wont use it if im around, he waits till i walk out of the room. The whole thing is ridiculous. Im told im hovering now when before I was doing nothing wrong.

You may receive alot of conflicting opinions on this...and since I can see all sides of every situation...I am not the person whose advice you should consider.But..on the one hand....being married doesn't mean you shouldn't also be a separate individual with your own private matters.To say...have a diary or anything which is part of you as an individual.On the other hand...the dramatic shift left him begging you to be suspect.Like a mouse teasing a cat.I can only say this...as when I don't know what I should do...I simply switch roles.I am them.What would I think was 'right' of the other person to do to me?IMHO...if I have nothing to hide...and you are my life mate...I could care less what you see of mine...when I have nothing to hide...I have no reason to hide.On the other hand...some relationships have evolved to include some hard feelings...some conflicts,some 'stages' that a person may be going through....or feelings of judgement coming from a spouse...leaving one to want to protect themselves from those things.It could be as simple as he has a diary discussing stuff from his teens...or as complicated as anything.But,I think the bottom line is...marriage doesn't entitle anyone to forfeit their right to privacy....and the good ole do unto others motto......jmo.~W~

[pallycoo]

I'm not trying to invade his privacy. It's an iPod that we used to share. There is no diary or anythin like that and if he did have one I have enough respect for him that I would not read something like that. Here's a good example of why this is distressing me: he had to go to another state for two weeks for training. When he came back his iPod was passworded, i asked for it and it was given with no issues. A day or so later said password was taken off. I asked him why he took the password off and his reply was that he was home there was no reason for the password. He only passworded to keep guys at work from messing with it.

Then I must restate....I'd be suspect...like a mouse teasing a cat.((((((Pallycoo)))))

[Perna]

He's allowed to not want you using "his" ipod anymore, maybe get your own? You are allowed to suspect him of hiding something and I would tell him that. It's up to him to try to ally your suspicions if he wants to but, they are your suspicions and just because he use to let you use the ipod and then got new online software and stopped letting you the next day, doesn't mean he is hiding something.

Other people do not have to play by our rules or be as open and easy around others/their spouses as we are. My husband and I are similar to what you would like but if my husband were to change his mind and not share a piece of electronics with me, that wouldn't concern me (unless it had our joint money/investment information on it :-)

Maybe he just wants his own songs on the ipod and doesn't want you putting stuff on there or maybe he likes songs he knows you do not and doesn't want to discuss it. He's allowed! My husband watches "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and other TV shows I don't like and I leave the room just as he does when I watch TV shows he can't stand. Your husband has changed the way he likes things, I would get another ipod for your own use.

[Leed]

All respect to the others, but I don't agree. You said your husband has even started acting different around you ~ acting almost secretive when you walk in the room. I'm sorry but I think he DOES have something to hide, and i wouldn't like it one little bit.

I'd keep a close eye on that one. Watch your phone bill, watch your credit card bill, just watch out all together. Something "seems" amiss here. When someone ACTS guilty, they usually are. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[salukigirl]

While I do believe he has something to hide....there are other possibilities. Like maybe he is feeling, for whatever reason, that he doesn't really have his own space or individuality anymore and just the simple act of asking makes him repel it. For example....have you ever been contemplating doing or saying something but the second someone TELLS you to do it you just don't want to anymore? Like I want to wash my car cause it's nasty....but the second my bf says "go wash your car" it flips a switch in my head and I just wont. I'm overly stubborn so that's why I'm thinking that could also be possible.

[purple rose]

On our desktop computer at home, we have three logins. Me, my husband, my daughter. Mostly so we can have our own programs and settings and files. But mine and his are both passworded. I don't get into his, he doesn't get into mine. Well, I get into his if I have to fix something....he's not a computer guru (neither am I, but I know more than him).

I also have many unfinished journals that I have been instructed to write in because of therapy, and I do NOT want him reading some of that stuff, especially some of the things I say about him that I could never say to his face.

So what I'm saying is, in a marriage it's okay to have a little bit of personal space and things that you don't necessarily share with your spouse. I actually think it's healthy.

However, if he gets rather upset about it - like you said he did - then maybe watch him for a little bit. Does he show any other signs of something going on that shouldn't be? Is he acting differently other than just when touching the iPod? Does his demeanor just seem different?

It could be anything, really. Maybe he was shopping online for a gift for you and didn't want to spoil the surprise. Maybe he's got into online gambling, or gaming. Maybe he spent a lot of money on Itunes and he's afraid you'll find out.

Or the worst maybe....he could be emailing or chatting with another woman.

But before you jump to the worst, explore all the options.

[pallycoo]

Our relationship is starting to change and for the worst, why fix something that isnt broken? And none of this was ever an issue until after that fight. Its getting down right ridiculous. Used to be at night he would put it on the bedside table now he sleeps with it in his pocket! There are no journals or such. I know its nothing to do with money as I have access to the accounts and manage the money and bills. I shouldnt have to feel unwelcome in my own bedroom because hes on the ipod. His attitude toward this whole thing has made things tense.

when we had the fight he has said he changed the password to see if i was checking up on him, which i wasnt. honestly had he not acted weird when I took it i wouldnt have even checked. But when he got defensive and wouldnt tell me the password that did nothing but make him look suspicious. Had he just be like the password is **** then I would have said thank you for being open and left it at that....i wouldnt have even put it in.

[WolfsGirl]

FWIW, my exdh decided I was having an affair, which I was not. So he insisted that I give him all my passwords to everything. I said there was no reason to b/c I was not having an affair. The more he pushed, the more I pushed back. Yes, it sounds like maybe your dh has something he's hiding. But how much do you want to know, and at what cost? Is there anyone else that can talk to him and get a feel for what's going on?

Good luck-

[pallycoo]

I don't want to know anything. This is not so I can go nosing around in his business.

[WolfsGirl]

Originally Posted by pallycoo

I don't want to know anything. This is not so I can go nosing around in his business.

I'm sorry. I didn't phrase that very well.... what I meant was how much do you want to know about what's going on in his head regarding the whole passwording the ipod thing. I'm sure there are other possibilities, but i can't think of anything he could say in way of explanation right now that wouldn't upset you further. So, that's what i meant by "at what cost".

[eskielover]

With access to the internet on that ipod, he may be accessing porn sites & doesn't want you to know what he's doing.....or as others said, he may be chatting with other's on sites that he doesn't want you to know about.
Or is could be absolutely NOTHING & he just wants his own space.

However, since he didn't act this way before & it's something that he has just started, I would definitely be very leary & feel that he is hiding something from you that he doesn't want you to know about.

I can understand private journals that we write in for therapy because that is a very personal thing & it doesn't involve anything outside of the marriage or anything that could hurt the marriage.....but when we start hiding things that are links to things outside of the marriage, then you can pretty much be able to bet that there is something going on there that if you knew about could have an effect on the marriage or he wouldn't be trying to be so secretive about it.

Think when our gut feeling waves a red flag, it's something we need to listen to. I know for me, every time I brush off a gut feeling, I regret it in the end.

[pallycoo]

something just doesnt feel right. along with everything else thats going on (in this post & on my other) he has now passworded his computer account from me and will most likely change every password i know. I ask him if hes hiding something from me and he of course says no. But his actions are showing otherwise.

[ChipmunkGal]

Pally - I am 100% on your side and agree with you. I do think something is going on otherwise he wouldnt be going into such trouble to keep everything a "secret" especially if he was open before. If he was always paranoid and private from the beginning, I'd completely understand his behavior but the fact that he changed from open and honest to protective and secretive that is a HUGE red flag. I'd encourage you to stand your ground on this one. Doesn't he realize that he is destroying the trust that you guys have? Once trust is destroyed, it's near impossible to obtain again. I hope he knows what he is doing. If he is innocent and being stubborn, then that is just immature on his part (he needs to consider your feelings). If he is guilty of some wrong doings, then he needs to stop and decide what he wants. Best of luck to you. ((((hugs))))