[Perzephone]

Is it just me, or maybe because I am female... How is it that I can anticipate what other people need or want but they can't seem to do it for me? Why do I always have to ask my husband to do things around the house when I don't have time to do them myself, but I instinctively know what needs to be done & when? Why do I have to request that we go to the store after I get off work when he's been sitting at home on the couch all night or most of the day, knowing that we're out of (insert household need here)? How come I can get up, see he has an empty water glass & fill it, while mine will sit next to me for hours & he's gotten his own rations two or three times?

I've tried to explain to him 'what it is that I do' when I do things for him, but he just doesn't get it.

Any thoughts?

[lenjan]

Gf, if I had an answer for that I'd be the richest woman on earth. I actually had a fight about it once with a guy at work. He asked his wife for a list of stuff she wanted for Christmas. She was furious because "you should know what I like." Every female in the office took her side, and Glenn just couldn't figure it out. My stance is, if you LIVE with somebody, theoretically you know them pretty well, and already know what they like and need and stuff.

Sorry, hon -- men just aren't wired that way.

Hang in there.

[LMo]

I struggle with this, too. We talk about it a lot during therapy. I think what it boils down to is that we all have different sets of priorities. What is important to you is not automatically going to be important to your husband. And as candybear pointed out, people can't read minds.

Part of the problem in my relationship is that if I actually do spell it out for him, he responds as if I'm trying to tell him what to do. And I guess in a way, I am.

I'm working very hard on thinking about whether the household things I want him to do are to meet my standards because they are theoretically optional, or whether he really is shirking what are fair responsibilities that should be included in his sets of priorities.

[Myzen]

Hi folks,

I'm going to agree with the ladies on this one. I think of myself as a caring and thoughtful kind of guy but I'm still short in this department. It's like I don't think to ask the right questions.

Having said that, I know what my wife likes to eat, what kind of days out she likes, and her taste in movies, clothes etc . When I offer to go her way on something she is sooooooooooo happy, and that makes me feel guilt about all the times that I have just gone my way.

One simple question that applies in every relationship but is so rarely asked. 'What is it that you want?'

Cheers, M

P, for starters, quit filling his glass. leave the things that he needs for him to do. do what you need for yourself. slowly, he'll notice that his glass is empty,etc. if he says something...reply, sweetly, that you just couldn't get around to it and leave it at that. see what happens... i lived with one for 13 years and that helped him tremendously.

[Perzephone]

It's just ridiculous - we both live here in this house, yanno? We both go to the refrigerator, even though I do more with the contents of the fridge than he does - can he not see that the shelves are bare? Can he not see the burned out lightbulbs? Can he not smell the garbage that needs to go out?

I mean, yah, it's going on 13 years of this & I get so sick & tired of being a mom instead of a wife. I feel like all I do some days is follow him around telling him what to do & then having to ask him if he did it... Yeesh!!!

[LMo]

I hear you. Therapy has been soooooo helpful about this. I really have reached a more peaceful place now that I realize that my priorities are not automatically going to be his priorities. And, we fortunately have the means for now, so I hired a cleaning lady to come every 2 weeks. I'll save my battles for things that are more important, and the benefit is that *I* am less stressed out.

I know it's not the ideal solution in a perfect world, but it'll do. The important thing is that I don't let my resentment build up. He's more likely to be in tune with my needs and wants if I'm not a stressed out lunatic on a cleaning binge. He feels bewildered and guilty and overwhelmed in those situations -- anyone would, really. Can't blame him.

[kimmydawn]

I so understand what you're saying. Hubby was the same way until about the 15 year mark. I don't know what it was, but he's learned to appreciate me more. I was going out of town alot, and demanding that I return to the house the way that it was when I left it. He used the excuse, "I work." Well, I came back with, "I work too." HMMM. After about a year of me leaving town and him having more responsibility, he even helps with breakfast on Saturday mornings! It's kinda wild, actually.

There is hope. You'll pick that battle hopefully where something, somewhere clicks. Afterwards, it can be a pretty good place to be in.

I wish you so much luck.

KD

[seeker1950]

You know, this rings a BIG bell in regards to my 8 years of singlehood also. I was always the giving one...going the extra mile, giving little thoughtful gifts, while they sat there like lumps, taking it all in, and doing nothing! What's that about? Is it a male/female thing? If so, I'm better off alone and just taking care of my own needs!
Seeker