I just happened to come across something I had written years ago, coming off the divorce from my last husband. (I've been married to my present-and-forever one for 2 1/2 years now, and we've been together for 4.)

I had forgotten writing it, after all this time, but I included an analogy to describe how being married to that man made me feel. Especially when dealing with his family and friends.

Imagine having your purse stolen, then going to the police where they tell you, "Well, you were carrying it wrong, so it's your own fault, and we're not going to do anything about it." Then a week later you run across that person who stole it, you take your purse back, and YOU are arrested. That's what I feel like.

Can anyone relate? Would you like to venture your own word pictures to describe how a relationship makes you feel?

Hey there,

Ah marriage to my man was screwy to say the least. We went round and round with the cycle of health and illness. he would nurse me back to health from bulimia and anorexia and then i would get better. once better he didn't know what to do with this new confident woman (nor did I) so he withdrew his love and affection and i got sick again. The only thing I can liken it to is cutting yourself while shaving. And I mean huge cuts tearing a strip of skin off. But you keep shaving because you don't want all that hair on your legs. After a few bloody legs i finally stopped shaving...

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[madisgram]

your analogy reminds me of how i felt when i was in an abusive marriage. he invalidated everything about me to the extent i didn't even know myself anymore.
now as soon as i see a red flag in a guy i RUN. never want to repeat my naivete. i've healed. no more will a spouse control me.

[DivorcedWoman]

Wow, that was very well written and I could totally relate. My ex-husband was very controlling and constantly battered my self-esteem and also didn't like the windows where I regained my self-confidence. He chose not to understand my illness and couldn't deal with the fact that I was imperfect anymore and when I had a bad manic attack he abandoned me. We have a son together and got into a fight the other day on the phone over a difference of opinion and I said that's one of the reasons we are not together any more. He yelled at me you know why were not together it's because of the things you did to me.

I've acknowledged what I did. I've apologized a million times and I said on the phone to him I'm sorry I was ill but I did not do those things to you intentionally. I am a good person and you made me feel like a piece of crap. I did tons of good things for you in our marriage and I am a good person. Of course he had nothing to say to me after that. I take ownership of what I did, but his personality type and not reading or truly supporting my illness caused a lot of stress for me which as we know is not good. He didn't go to the doctor with me or hold my hand. He supposedly told me I needed help which I don't recall, but I was going to my pdoc and therapist and they didn't say I had a problem. I was taking my meds. I'd never had a manic attack before so how was I to know or him for that matter, but when I was diagnosed we all went along with business as usual. The perfect little family with a big expensive house, expensive cars, a beautiful child, lots of friends, etc. Granted I didn't research my illness either other than reading a few books like Patty Duke and Kay Redfield Jamison so who is to blame. It can be a crappy disease but we sure are the whipping post when it comes to things. I mean come on how many times can we apologize. So is life some will chose to support and others will leave the "crazy" person. It is so hurtful. My dearest friends don't trust me to watch their children or so it appears to be that way. I've offered many times but I never get a response to my offer. I've been stable for 4 years now. I so try not to take these things personally but I do and it hurts. Sorry I'm a little off on a tangent but again your little story touched a nerve and was very well put.

[Perna]

I think if my purse was stolen, the first thing I would do is cancel my credit cards and driver's license, etc. and get new ones and give up any hope of getting any cash back. I would not want "that" purse back.

I'm reminded of when my husband and I were camping up in New Hampshire and they had a bear visiting the campground and had a trap set up in a site across from ours so the bear could be caught and released up in Canada, away from people. We were told another story by the Park Ranger about hikers, a couple guys, and they stopped for lunch and a bear came along and took one of the hiker's backpacks and the idiot hiker went after it! Needless to say, he was mauled and the bear had to be shot/killed.

I know sometimes it sounds like "sour grapes," but I never liked that particular purse anyway; I wouldn't want it back, especially from a thief who was able to take it from me in the first place and with police who didn't acknowledge it was mine. You might take my things from me but you can't take Me.

[fallfromgrace]

I can totally relate - sometime relationships seem like they're more trouble than they're worth! When my ex asked me out, a relationship was the last thing on Earth that I was looking for. I had just been diagnosed with BPII, and was scared out of my mind. But I said yes, and little by little came to depend on him for pretty much everything. Then when he suddenly dumped me after a bad manic attack, I felt like I was missing a part of me. It was kinda like growing a third arm; at first you don't really want it, but boy, is it ever useful! You get used to it, but when it gets amputated, you're at a loss. And that's where I am right now.

[lastyearisblank]

Yes

I deleted my own story relating to this...just because it seems so trivial compared to some peoples... but yeah... Def. know what you mean, and keep fighting the good fight to keep those boundaries in place!

(((Lovebirds)))

The analogy is an exemplar of why I have a difficult time communicating with some people. My communication ineptitude is not just with women. In fact, some of my woman friends can finish my sentences, a circumstance that further obnubilates what already is a source of obfuscation.

Is the analogy intended to convey a sense of powerlessness? Or, perhaps a manifestation of learned helplessness? Maybe soul murder in a more adult context?

''Soul murder is neither a diagnosis nor a condition,'' Dr. Shengold writes. ''It is a dramatic term for circumstances that eventuate in crime - the deliberate attempt to eradicate or compromise the separate identity of another person. The victims of soul murder remain in large part possessed by another, their souls in bondage to someone else."

http://www.nytimes.com/1989/11/21/bo...ted=all&src=pm

I love that "amputated third arm" analogy. A third arm is not necessary, but to have one grafted in and allowed to become part of you, to grow accustomed to it, and then to have it unexpectedly amputated is pretty much on par with what I was feeling.

My own analogy was meant to convey an "I can't win, no matter what" feeling. My ex, along with his family and friends, had their minds made up that everything I did was evil. Ex could do no wrong; I could do no right. If I was the victim of an injustice, I would be blamed, but then if I tried to stand up for myself, I suddenly became the aggressor. Anything and everything could be done to me, and that was perfectly fine. I do anything in response, and I'm called all kinds of filthy names.