[markyman]

Hello

Before I begin I'd like to say that I realize full well that this may seem stupid and unorthodox, but it's bothering me a lot.

I'll start by saying that I am and always have been a quiet, shy young man who has always had trouble talking to girls D: I spend a lot of my time playing games, which is where my problems start.

One of my guilty pleasures is roleplaying (not sexual roleplay, of course). For those who don't know, you basically create a character and roleplay the character as a seperate person with other people. It's not the coolest thing to do, I know, but I like writing and it lets me be creative, so I enjoy it. I used to play as the same character on the same game server with the same people.

Up until last summer, my roleplay experiences had been entirely innocent. Then I started roleplaying with a girl!!! This roleplay quickly got romantic. It wasn't my intention, as I always looked down upon people who roleplayed sexually and romantically as pathetic, but I enjoyed it (not just in a sexual way, I promise!). It was especially fun because I liked the online company of the girl I was roleplaying with. Naturally (at least for a romantically and sexually inexperienced young man such as myself), this roleplay turned into me developing feelings for the girl behind the character. We got closer and eventually ended up in a long-distance relationship.

We've been in this relationship for almost half a year now, and I've developed very strong feelings for her. One thing I've discovered from this, however, is that I am a very possessive, needy and jealous lover.

Throughout our relationship, she had been doing romantic and sexual roleplay with other people. I always felt jealous, as that was our only kind of intimacy and I was afraid she would enjoy herself more with other people and replace me, or something stupid like that. One day I told her how I felt, and she promised not to do it with other people. We spent a lot of time together online, as we usually did, and got even closer.

She stayed true to her promise mostly, but the feelings of jealousy never left me. I've constantly been suspicious of her, confronting her about going behind my back. I'd pester her with melodramatic questions, asking if she was getting bored of me, etc. Basically I've been clinging to her too much. She always told me she liked me being clingy, but just recently it became a problem.

One day I decided to confront her about going behind my back. I was only acting on suspicion and impulse, and we broke it off for a day. She said she was happy being single, but I wasn't. I apologized and now we're back together, but we're not nearly as close as we once were. We don't talk much anymore and she's made it clear that if she wants to roleplay with people romantically, she will, which is fair enough. This was 3 days ago.

The only problem in our relationship has been jealousy, in my opinion. We both get along very well. I just want to know how to make it up to her for being so jealous and clingy. We hardly talk now, and when we do it's awkward and tense. She told me I was the only one she could trust and that I was the only one she didn't have to be careful about saying anything around, so the fact that she's no longer comfortable talking to me really hurts. She wants space, but I miss talking to her and it makes me sad to know that she's ignoring me to get intimate with other people, even if I might deserve it. I'm on thin ice and I don't know if being affectionate will make her want to stay with me. I really do have very strong feelings for her and I want to make things better so that we can move on and go back to loving each other again!

Again, I know how this will read to a lot of people. It may seem pathetic, trivial, sad, whatever. Just please have some respect and realize that I wouldn't be posting this if it wasn't bothering me a lot. Thank you

[markyman]

help!!!

[jerrymichele]

I would also have a problem with that too. Someone who is in a committed relationship shouldn't be having any desire to be with anyone else. I'm sorry that it hurts you. I really can't say what you should do, but if it were me I would leave her alone.

Totally understand the games...iknow people that play them for hours, get totally involved, i know you can meet people like this, but

have you actually met this woman? Spent physical time with her, not just virtual roleplaying time with her?

The person/character online, could be very different than the real thing.
And also, you seem to already know this, but the more jealous you act, the more insecure you seem, which is not attractive to a woman.

I'm going to guess that the character you played was not jealous or insecure, which is why she found you attractive in the first place, and the types of people she is seeking to role play with. Play is the operative word. This is still a game, and I think to have a better relationship with someone, there needs to be some flesh and blood involved as well as the mind.

Good luck!

[Gilead]

Markyman,

Can you go back to the days and mindset when you were cultivating the friendship? The long-distance nature of your relationship I think will always cause some jealously on your part. Try to put aside your deeper feelings and go back to being friends and let things grow from there.

If you can't do that then maybe you do need to let go of her.

It's not pathetic or trivial. Your feelings are involved and those are never pathetic or trivial - but it is sad because you are somewhere that many of us have been under different circumstances.

I'm sorry I have no other ideas for you...

[Perna]

Yes, if you want a relationship with this woman, you need to meet and talk to her in person, get to know the real her or your spats and jealousies are just imaginary too (since both of your characters are). Make something real of this relationship, even if it ends up not being what you imagined or hoped for. The problem with online relationships is that your head can turn them into anything at all as there are no real boundaries imposed by another real person.

[lynn P.]

I agree with everyone and especially Perna. Establishing boundaries online are very difficult. I think it would help if you understand you see this connection differently than she does. Let me explain - you happened to fall into this by accident and you started having some very 'real feelings' in this 'make believe' connection. Remember you're attracted to an online character that might not be anything like this IRL. It sounds like she was more experienced and did this as a hobby - she enjoys this flirtateous game playing with guys. To her this was a game but I think it was more for you.

Game playing is fine but I think you need to think if this is a good way to spend the majority of your time. You're young.....you should be in a real life relationship. It can be very confusing and risky to blend fantasy with reality - but remember online relationships can be very deceiving, therefore invest only a small part of yourself. Do you want to be sitting there playing games 5 years from now?

[madisgram]

i checked out your profile, marky. if you're comfortable telling us, what are your phobias? my guess is one of them is with in real life social situations. i agree with others here, work to feel more comfortable with ppl in person. online is far removed from real relationships.

[markyman]

I should have mentioned that the roleplay aspect wasn't the entirety of our relationship. It was how we met, and it turned into how we got intimate with each other, but I wasn't falling in love with characters.

She asked me to start an online relationship with her, and we both understood that we were romancing each other, not each other's characters. If this was anything less than an expressed relationship I wouldn't have such a big problem.

I thank you guys for your help, you're making a lot of sense. I don't want to just move on though, because we've been doing this for about half a year now and we got really really close and did a lot of things together... even if it was just chatting online, I've fallen in love with her!

I'm a shy, anxious person. I always have been. I wouldn't say I was afraid of being social, I just don't know how to do it well. I stick to my circle of friends and I don't get close to many other people. My main phobia now is infidelity. I never knew I had this phobia until I started this relationship, but I'd definitely call it a phobia now. I obsess about it, and it obviously went too far this time. At first she said it was cute, but it's obviously gone too far now. She said I need to grow up and stop putting so much emotional significance on what she does, but right now it's all we have. If we had a physical relationship I could maybe see what she was saying, but right now that's the only way we can be intimate and it hurts me that she'd rather do it with other people. Part of being in a relationship is feeling special to someone, right? It doesn't make me feel special if she's going off with other people.

I don't know if how I'm feeling is normal, or if I'm actually an overbearing and overly jealous boyfriend. Like I said, I'm new to this. Sorry if I'm ranting, but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this before and I'm getting a lot of things off my chest.

[texas2011]

Hi,
I am new to this so please bear with me. I am having problems in my relationship, I too have jealousy issues. I realize I need to stop before it destroys my relationship. I though maybe if I had someone to talk to maybe I can work thought this without having to seek a counseling service.

[distancedistressed]

Hey, I'm also in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who moved away... however, we've been long distance partners for over almost a year now, and we've come to realize that trust and overcoming jealousy is a bigfactor in making it work. Both my partner and I have major feelings for each other, and some jealousy is of course natural. But if you really want to make a long distance relationship to work, you have to be able to trust her a little more. I have to be honest, your story is somewhat amusing. But, I shouldn't talk, afterall, my girlfriend and I met after one of her friends gave her my number. For the first 2 months of knowing each other we only texted, but really hit it off.. XJ anyway, after we finally started dating, but she was forced to move because of her parents' jobs conflicting... now she's in Texas... buuut, we still manage to get by. Although it is very complicated. Video chat can really help strengthen a long distance relationship. If you want to continue your relationship, try to broaden out how you two communicate rather than just by playing an RPG. Thanks for reading (: