[thatPerson]

About a month ago I began having interests in a coworker of mine. We've spent quite of bit of time together but haven't gone on any official dates. She seems like such a great girl... but she insists that I'd be better off not having a relationship with her. She's disclosed to me a number of pyschological disorders and incidents from her past, including some problems with intimacy in prior relationships. From my understanding, she feels that she's been abandoned all her life. While I understand that may cause her to be hesitant and prejudice about starting a new relationship, I'm not really turned away at all... I've tried my best to assure her that I wouldn't leave her due to her past, and that my philosophy on dating doesn't require sex or even more than a kiss, and that I wouldn't make her do anything she wasn't comfortable with.

So I guess my questions are:
1) is there a different approach I should be taking?
2) am I wrong for even considering a relationship with her
3) should I just wait it out, and hope that our friendship transitions into something bigger on it's own?

[curlyq]

It sounds like you're doing just fine. I think many women would be glad to be treated so kindly. I would just let things take their course in time. It's up to the 2 of you whether to be friends or more, though. Maybe you can explore what both of you are looking for meaning friendship or beyond or friendship to begin with. Best wishes to you.

[thatPerson]

Thanks for the reply. It just doesn't seem how much I show that I care, it just isn't good enough.... I know beyond a doubt that she likes me just as much as I like her.... but I'm thinking she's trying to reject me to avoid the pain of another failed relationship.

Part of why I ask in the first place is that she is more than likely mentally unstable. She suffers from post traumatic stress disorder, disociative personality disorder, was abused both physicly and sexually (even raped)... among other things, and it seems that it's starting to take on toll on me now. I thought I could handle all of this crap.

In the past week I've been doing quite of bit of thinking, some research, and out of curiousity I took a few self-tests for a number of disorders. I've become more alert of problems I have in my life. In the self-tests I took (along with the descriptions of the disorders), I scored very high as attention deficit, obsessive compulsive, and avoidant/anti-social. Is it posible that I really do have mental problems of my own, only highly succeptible to suggestion, or just trying to find a way to relate with this girl to be accepted?

[curlyq]

Maybe you could go see a therapist to discuss the results of those tests you took. It could be you, too, have problems or something else. That would give you things in common with her. It's hard in relationships because at times the two people are at different places in life and self-discovery and more. You could try to relate to her as someone with problems just like you. I don't know what is taking it's toll on you because you haven't been specific. If she is sufferering from these illnesses she may need to just focus on getting better. You could just try to be friends and keep it on the lighter side if it's too intense for you. There is couples and relationship counseling, too. I know people who have benefitted from it. It takes time, like all worthwhile things. Sometimes getting away from it all helps me to see things in better perspective. Like taking a long drive away from it all by yourself. You need to take care of yourself first so you can function well. I hope this is of some help.

[thatPerson]

Thanks. I do think seeing a therapist wuuld be the best course of action before pursuing this relationship further, but I cannot afford it at this time. In the mean time I'm avoiding initiating contact with this girl. If she wants to talk/hang out she'll say so.

[curlyq]

There are places with free counseling or sliding scale fees for those who cannot afford it. You might want to look in your yellow pages under Social Services and call some places in your area to find out if there are free places. There often are. Maybe what you are doing is best for you now. Good luck to you.

[splash]

hello,

welcome to the forums. i'm no expert in relationships. in fact, the only ones i have are with fellow employees, and they're all platonic.

i have a question about dating a co-worker. do the two of you work closely together or are you in different departments? i have had friends who worked together and saw each other outside of work and it made things tough for both the work environment and off hours. i'm not saying this would be true for you or others, but it's just something to think about.

i am very much like this woman you speak of. i'm very afraid to be involved in a relationship for fear of abandonment. or worse, that i would let the other person down, that i'd do something awful. i often dream of someone being interested in me enough to have a relationship with me, but then i think that if it were real, i would probably sabotage it.

the only one who can answer your questions is you, of course. there might be another approach you could take. first, think of yourselves as already being in a relationship: a worker relationship, as co-workers. maybe there is a different approach you could take. i think that communication should be the cornerstone to that approach. as for considering having a relationship with her, beyond work, why would it be wrong for you to consider? because it may never happen? how much time are you willing to give it to find out? which leads to your last question: what would happen if you did give it more time to develop?

best wishes to you,

splash

[thatPerson]

We don't usually have any contact during work. We work in a deparment store, and usually the only time we see each other is durring heavy sale periods when we're required to run a register (we aren't cashiers...). We've both put in for transfers into another department where we would be together most of the day (because this other dept. was of much greater interest to us both). I can see how this might cause some tension if we aren't able to work things out to understanding.

Why do I question whether it is a good idea to date her to begin with? I don't know if her treatment is working, if I can devote enough time to her, or whether I'm feel there is anything I can do to help her... and most importantly, if it all turns out to have a negative impact on my life.

What would happen if I gave it time? I'm afraid that she may get over her problems enough to start a relationship, and that it might not be with me.

I shuldn't be relying on you guys to make my decisions for me... it's just too hard though. it's the most complex situation i've ever been in.

[splash]

I think that it's good to get feedback from others, so don't feel bad for posting and asking for our opinions. even if other people made suggestions, you're still ultimately the one who makes the decisions.

i give you lots of credit for wanting to think this through, talk it over with others. it's obviously very important to you. that's a good point you bring up, about her becoming well and then not wanting a relationship with you. rejection's tough, but you know what? i'm learning myself that anything worthwhile takes risk, so if we need to take risks in order to get what we want.

best wishes,

splash