Letting go of always wanting to be in control

After all the hard times that my bf and I have been going through together couples therapy has been working for us. I've realized alot of things about myself and I hope its been the same way for him. What Ive learned is that I do have a controlling issue so now when I get upset I always ask myself what is the root of why I'm so upset. Am I more upset bc I'm out in control or is it really bc I don't trust him. Its hard to tell the difference at times.

Pleae give me advice as I'm learning to change and let go of my ways of needing to be in control

Hello, Jenn1fer82. It seems you have a process that appears to be helpful already in place. The therapist ought to be able to help you too.

Sometimes its so hard bc when I feel the uneasiness rising and I'm about to get upset with my bf and wanting to questioning him about this and that, I back off and just let him be. I gather my thoughts together and question myself what is the best thing for me to do right now. Do I have the right to get upset or am I just upset bc I dont have control of the situation. I then internalize things to where Im filled with so many self doubts and it drives me crazy.

Sounds to me like you are doing a really good job of stepping back and thinking about why you are upset. I think that part of that process includes wondering about the self doubts and fears that have been present and usually drive one to try to control situations.

Maybe you can write these things down and bring it to therapy to discuss with the T. Again, it sounds like you are doing a great job. The hardest part of therapy is facing our fears and finding out why we behave in specific ways. Once we are aware, we can then begin the work to face those reasons and change our behaviors.

Please keep us updated on how things are progressing.

Really... I am doing the right thing and what I'm feeling is reasonable thing? I guess thats what I needed to hear the most is the reassurance that i'm not going crazy with the many self doubts and not sure what so do with myself. with all this new realization about myself I feel overwhelmed and not sure what to do with myself afterwards. My bf already sense that I'm not acting like myself bc he would typically expect me to accuse him of lying and to see me so angry but instead I didn't say much, not that I'm ignoring him, the situation or myself. I rather step back and let things sink in and reflect on them so that maybe I can figure out whats the best thing to do. ahh.... its all so complicated

i think when problems arise it's always going to a mixture of all - feeling out of control, loosing trust, and feeling self-doubt. if you are with someone that is constantly making you feel emotionally maxed out, that's not normal and that's not right. but stepping back before blowing up is wise. it's hard. be strong. if he messes up - then he messes up. breakups are difficult, but you will move on. peoples, places, things they are ephemeral ...that is life.

((Jenn1fer82))

It takes time to get to know what the root cause of the problem is.

It isn't right to blow up on your bf all of the time. That's a negative pattern that does need to be changed. Whether your bf is the "right" man for you is still unknown. That's something that you need to work on with your T.

I've been questioning myself and my actions for YEARS. Unfortunately, getting to know myself has not been an easy task. Instead, I'm focusing on living as best as I can now. In the moment. Working through past decisions that effect today's life does take time. That's my experience. I'm not the smartest cookie on the block though ~ it takes LOTS of repetition, cues, and writing things down.

Perhaps you may want to try working through your thoughts on paper? Different avenues sometimes can help us work through things more quickly.