In need of perspective

This made me cry (the fact that the people here saved your life. Isn't this site absolutely amazing?)! Yes, he's totally out of line. Totally - especially if your daughter is a sweet, loving, bubbly kid.

be strong, I hope you the best.

Update: He has agreed to counseling and even parenting classes. (I didn't tell him I already found therapists, though.) He says that he doesn't resent my daughter but that he knows he resents me for not disciplining her like he thinks I should. I feel guilty for saying that a little part of me was hoping he wouldn't agree to it and I could move on. I don't have much faith.

darling i know what u are going thru is tough esp with the children, my ex also did the exact same things pls read more about emotional abusers, their traits, and their apparent incurability. you are a great lady independent and deserve better and deserve to be able to give your children a future free of incomparable complexes to battle all their lives. pls do read up abt this less discussed form of abuse,emotional abuse.
pls talk with your children individually and together to assess their thoughts on this, they will atleast know they have an ally in you. thats better than not talking to them and build up and invisible wall of pretension between all concerned.take care. prayers with you.

My husband and I have been talking the last few days and he fails to realize he plays a role in his own behavior. He claims that his behavior is ALL his medicine and that is why he does and says what he says. He claims that he is going to try to get off of his pain medicine and then everything will be okay.

On a positive note, he did talk to my daughter about her not wanting to be around him because he is "mean" and says he is going to make an effort to spend quality, happy time with her. He even praised her about something yesterday and he made sure he pointed it out to me afterward that he said something good to her.

Well it is a start Hazel, but keep in mind that getting off the medication may bring out a more difficult side in him as he will go through withdrawl and that will mean that the pain will return. So you will now have to monitor him more than ever.

I hate to say it Hazel but you actually have four children, one being him. I had that too. I was in my thirties when I finally realized that and I did reach out to try to learn about how I HAD TO MANAGE THE FAMILY. And it was not easy because I had to learn how to not let my husband push my buttons to make me mother him. I know you are going to address that because of his relationship with his mother and how she always gave into him.

The upside is that your daughter will learn through your decision to not accept bad bahaviors and become a strong person and educate yourself on how to run the ship much better. And it will be a challenge for you as you will have to be very strong.
I recommend that you go to al-anon meetings to get some support as well as read more about how to run a productive family. I didn't really have that, I only got help here and there and did the best I could. Make sure you get the book "Codependent No More" as it will help you get the correct mindset in how to keep from falling into manipuation.

You are going to have to find support for yourself so make sure you find a good family therapist that can help guide you.

One of my rules that I sat down and made clear with my little family was "ABSOULTLY NO HITTING" was allowed. I made sure my husband and even daughter knew that hitting did not resolve problems and that we had to grow up and learn how to resolve issues in more productive ways. From now on it will be team work and if someone does not follow the rules they will get time out and discussions will take place on how it disrupted the family and a resolve will be set.

It is important to set up boundaries, can even write a list that everyone should follow. It is not just about SAYING that one will change, it is very important to LEARN just HOW TO MAKE CHANGES AND HAVING A GUIDE. And it is important that as a family there is a real STRUCTURE to follow, people are very comfortable with STRUCTURE as it allows them to understand their place in that family unit.

The best way to approach this with your husband is to make him understand that you will now work together in creating a better, healthier atmosphere for your family.
And it is important that he understand that HE is not the authoritarian, and he has to also partake in CONSTRUCTIVE SHARE TIME WITH EACH CHILD. And also there has to be a scheduled FAMILY TIME where constructive sharing time activities take place. And within those activities there has to form an understanding of sharing and respecting how to work together and that each person has to have respect and if that cannot happen the person that is not participating will have to have a time out.

This is something that you would have to do in any family situation HAZEL. You can take time to make it clear to your husband, It is not about running, it is about FINALLY LEARNING HOW TO MAKE IT WORK TOGETHER. If he can learn that it is not about repremanding him, but more about him becoming a partner in making it work, he will be more agreeable. If you can convey to him that you really want him and you to work at it and make it work together and it may be challenging, he may come around.

It is not going to happen overnight, it will take a conscious effort to build a workable structure. But if you can allow your husband to see how it will be the right way to raise children psychologically, and that you believe that the two of you can MAKE IT HAPPEN, he may be more willing.

Just remember it is going to take time and work and you will be working around his changing moods due to restructuring his medication.

The end result it that you will all gain in every aspect of your lives. I only had one child, and my husband. But I now see how positive the results of having a more productive family really helped my child and even my husband. My daughter does not accept the behaviors in others when it comes to manipulation and grandstanding or any form of abuse. Instead she practices very constructive behaviors and forms STRUCTURE where ever she goes. People end up being drawn to her as she is very confident in structure and I aways hear rave reviews of how confident and good it is to be around her. Even her animals fall in line around here LOL. And I have to say that my daughter carries an air about her that says, don't bother wynning and manipulating, it wont work with me. And it is an unspoken quality that others find very welcoming and want to be around her as they like the strength of the message and positive direction she sends.

It can be done Hazel, but it does take commitment and a clear decision on LEARNING HOW TO DO IT.

Open Eyes

I have my daughter who is six and my son that is two and then my husband. I don't think I could handle a third actual child. My brother lives with us also who is 18 so that is complicating things even more.

I found that book and put it on my wish list. I just have to get the money for it now.

All I can do now is roll up my sleeves and get down to the dirty work.

Thanks!

great! one step at a time.....be thankful, appreciative and expectant of consistant positive actions. be strong girl. the strength of a woman will fight the greatest of storms.
all the best with the house rule making!

Thank you!

hope u're doing well now hazel. sending you hugs...everyone needs a hug every once in a while....

Update: The bully is back. My husband is trying me mad. Yesterday was one of those days where I was ready to just leave him and be done with it.

1st situation: We are in Walmart and he decides to wonder off and tells me to wait there for a minute and he will be right back. I wait at the dressing room (because my brother needed to try some clothes on) for at least 5 minutes. I text him "WTF? Where are you? He needs to try on his clothes." This is something that is common vocabulary for him to say all the time. He sends me a text back saying "watch your mouth" and was mad at me the entire time we were in the store because he said I shouldn't talk to him like that (yet he says that all the time). I was trying to get him to hurry up so the kids could take a nap before we went to a wedding and we would have time to get a bite to eat.

2nd situation: We are at the wedding and I had bought my daughter the wrong size shoes. They started giving her blisters on her heals so I put band-aids on them. The more she walked the band-aids were peeling off because she wasn't wearing stockings. I told her as long as she was sitting at the table she could take her shoes off. She got up to wave to my husband who was letting our son play on the dance floor and he told her to put her shoes on. I told him that I told her it was okay to keep them off. He tells her to put them on and she starts crying and lays her head down on the table. He leans over and says "If you don't stop crying, I am going to take you to the bathroom and give you something to cry about." He then walks away. I comfort her and let her sit on my lap. Meanwhile, my son hits his head on something on the other side of the room. My husband walks over with our son in his arms and says "See. He has a reason to be crying". I said so does she". She got her feelings hurt and has blisters on her feet. He said "Keep it up and I'll go sit in the car." He stomps out and goes to the front of the building and is smoking. I walk out there and says she is getting what she wants by seeing us argue. I go back inside and as the night goes on he acts like nothing ever happened.

It's like he sees blood and then goes in for the kill. He will see her crying and then keep on her until she is broken. I feel like he attacks her and I have to intervene because he just doesn't know when to stop.

Since I have told him that I feel like he is emotionally abusive towards us, he makes smart remarks now like "yeah, because I am so mean to her" or "yeah, because I abuse you". He doesn't even take me seriously.

I don't even want to try anymore.

hazel, it's time regardless of finances or lack thereof for you to go to individual therapy, imho. i wish i could offer you hope re your hubby. some are willing to meet their spouses in the middle. your hubby has multiple traits that are hindering a loving, communicative relationship. i could offer you advice re his abusive nature but i feel your situation and marriage has gone beyond that. recommended reading men who hate women, and the women who love them, by dr. susan forward.
libarary and/or barnes and noble will have it.
this my take:
he's emotionally abusive to you and your daughter.
he abuses medication-much of the time it appears he's under the skewed influence of drug addiction thus has inappropriate/abusive behaviors.
he doesn't try to meet you in the middle re family concerns, financial responsibility and child rearing.
he is very inconsistant with his tryng to change or improve.

i know you already are aware of my thoughts and opinions. i'm not a therapist so heed my opinions cautiously. i don't know the whole picture. what i do know however is that you've reached out for help here at pc. that is a positive thing and a willingness to look at the relationship and improve your llife.
you deserve a harmonic life. we all do. the fears you may have re leaving him, financial, etc. can be planned out to empower you to possibly move on.
hope my comments may help. please consider/go to therapy.
site to consider
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com...nd.aspx?page=1

Having read your post, but not all the responses, I have this to say: If you leave your husband, do it for yourself & your children. Do NOT leave because you may have regrets about the other guy. If you leave for the other guy, that's bound to not work out because you are going to have too much going on to be able to focus on a new relationship.

Also, if your husband is being verbally abusive to your children AND on pills for anxiety, etcetera, is it possible he has a diagnosable mental illness such as, bipolar.

I don't know you or your husband & I'm certainly not one to say whether this man is right for you or not, but again, don't leave for another man/relationship. Don't stay because of the kids....especially if he's verbally abusing them which it sounds like he is.

If you decide to leave your marriage, do it for YOU. Don't worry about other men or relationships or what your husband says he'll do to make you stay. If something is unhealthy & not working, find a way to make it work for YOU...& of course, your children. Weigh the pros& cons. Leave money & all that kind of stuff out of it too. I stayed in a bad marriage just for that & it was a mistake. In the end, even broke, I was better off. My ex husband did the same thing to my son that your husband is doing to your daughter. I regret not leaving before I did.

Not trying to tell you to end your marriage, but a lot of times these kinds of things only get worse before they get better.

Take care of YOU & your children first & foremost.

We got into an argument last night and he said that he realizes I don't want to married anymore and that if that is what I want then fine. He says it is all my daughter's grandparents fault because she gets her way over there and then she comes home and thinks she can run the house here too. She only goes over there 1 day and 1 night a week. He said that over the last few weeks I have been trying to make him look like the big bad wolf and he is tired of it. He said he has been the same person since we got together and there was never a problem. Now all of a sudden there is a problem. In the same conversation he says that he knows we have had the same issue with daughter come up for years now. Wouldn't that tell you that I have had problems for years. I told him that I didn't have this issue until our son was born. He used to spend time with my daughter and do things with her and love her. He was talking really loud even though we were in the other room and I know my daughter could hear us. I told him to lower his voice because she could hear him. He said "Good! Let her hear me. This is what she wants. She wants us to argue so then you will baby her." I asked why he thought it was okay for her to hear us arguing and he said not to change the subject. That it was his house and he can talk as loud as he wanted to. He said I was ordering him around and talking to him like a child. I said fine "can you please lower your voice so she doesn't hear us?" He said that was better. I said apparently if we have been arguing for years over the same subject that the problem is not getting resolved. He said he thinks all of a sudden I don't want to be married anymore. That is half way true. What is that saying "I can do bad all by myself". At this point I don't want to be with any man. I guess I thought my husbands behavior was just short term and that after me bringing it up so many times we would correct it and realize it really is a problem to me. Instead he blames me for making him act that way by not disciplining her enough. That if he could use actions instead of words she wouldn't be the way she is now. SHE IS NOT A BAD KID. She does normal six year old things. He thinks she knows everything she is doing. I told him that she is not emotionally mature as an adult. He said "she knows what she is doing". Like she is some sabotaging spy or something. I am so angry. We have been together for almost 5 years and married for only a year. If I had known it was going to be like this I would have stayed a single mother.

Does your son still have a relationship with your ex? If so, what is it like? Do you have other kids involved?