[Blades]

Here’s the thing. I’m twenty four, I live in Australia and I’ve never really asked a girl out. My last girlfriend passed away when I was sixteen and she was also my best friend. Her name was Jessica. We knew each other since we were five and we were basically attached to each other. Our parents were best friends too and there was never a day where we weren’t together. As I got older I fell in love with her and I was afraid to tell her because I was worried it would ruin our friendship. I eventually wrote a poem with all my feelings and got a friend to give it to her at morning tea at school. I didn’t want to be there while she read it because I was worried what she would say but to my surprise she came looking for me and that’s when we had our first kiss.

It was the happiest day of my life and I remember how incredible it felt. We became even more inseparable from then on and every day was like a dream. I loved Jessica so much and I couldn’t believe she felt the same way as me. I wrote her poetry every day, sang songs to her and we'd perform songs on stage as a duo at our school. Jessica was an amazing singer while I did most of the backing and the writing when we did our own material. It might sound stupid because we were so young but I asked her to marry her when I was fourteen and she said yes. I thought I had my whole life set out in front of me until one day when she and her Father got involved in a car accident.

Jessica passed away and I blamed myself as did many of her friends because her father was driving her to my house. One of our closest friends (Carol) committed a month later and I dropped out of school and slipped into depression. I spent a year in my bedroom refusing to talk to my parents and I spent most of that time thinking about Jessica and crying. I tried to commit suicide but my father stopped me. Losing Jessica killed me I still feel a hole inside me to this day. I loved her more than anything in the world and to know that I could never talk to her again tore me apart.

I got a job working in a factory because I couldn't stay at home all the time even though I wished I would die so I could see her again. I met some blokes there who were what many would describe as the 'wrong crowd' and I starting drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I took up smoking too because I wanted to die and I'm still hooked. I became an alcoholic and I was addicted to cocaine. I tried to kill myself again one night when my parents went out by drinking as many different things as I could and they came home to find me passed out on the ground. I gave up drinking and drugs and it was difficult to say the least but I wanted to do something with my life.

I was made redundant when the factory I was working went broke and I decided to go to TAFE to get the certificates I missed out on. I wanted to be a writer and a music journalist and for a while I could write poetry and songs again and I even sold some to artists and bands. Nobody particularly famous but it gave me money. During the second year I become depressed again and I would leave classes to snort cocaine in the toilet. I had some left over from before that I couldn’t throw away. My grades began decreasing and for a while I nearly fell off the horse (so to speak) and I tried to kill myself again but somehow I put myself back together.

I completed TAFE and got Certificates two, three and four and that's when I met a woman named Rachel who became my best friend. I had a crush on her but she was a lesbian. I told her the way I felt and she said if she wasn't a lesbian she would have went out with me because I was different than most guys. She then kissed me and said one day I was going to make a woman really happy. She passed away in another car accident six months ago and I believe I have slipped into depression again but I am trying to be strong this time. I'm not drinking or taking drugs and I am trying to keep on the right track. I've had writer's block since then though and my writing skills have been detraining but I'm trying to get them back to become a music journalist. Music is the only thing that has never left me and it is the only thing that makes me happy these days.

Jessica's death still haunts me and I don't know what I did to deserve this but I want to move on. I'm twenty four and most of the guys I used to go to school with are married now. With the exception of Rachel I've never really asked out another woman because I didn't think they would want to waste their time on me. I know I might never find another love like the one I had with Jessica but I just want somebody I can talk to and hold. You know, somebody I could bring a little happiness to and could give me back some in return. I think it's the only way I'm going to cure my depression.

Should I try or am I too late? I'm twenty four and apart from a night I don’t even remember where I woke up next to a naked woman I'm still a virgin which is embarrassing to some people. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life alone because I couldn't stand another ten years of the same thing over again. Do women even go out with guys like me? I'm not the best looking bloke in the world but hopefully I'm not ugly or hideous. I was going to posts some pictures but can’t.

[Typo]

(((((((((((((((((Blades)))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for your loss. You asked if it was too late, it is never too late to find someone. My bf is 29 and he didn't have a relationship for almost over 4 years until we started dating. You had to have some time to grieve and cope with your loss and pain. Take things slow and at the pace you need to, you will find a special someone when the time is right. Peace and Serenity to you

[Purple Heart]

Hi

I'm in Australia too. You seem like a nice guy. Have you ever had therapy for the grief and loss you would have experienced of the loss of your gf? Depression can be anger turned inward. Maybe you still blame yourself for her death? These things can be explored further in therapy. Drugs are merely a bandaid but don't actually address the core issues. Your still young just don't be too upset about virginity it will happen in time. Many women want to meet a guy like you who is sensitive and intelligent. Give it time, be yourself.

[Leed]

Heavens NO it's not too late. It's never too late to find love. You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you!

I also agree that it might be beneficial to go to therapy -- it's possible you need help in accepting Jessica's death ~ and you also need to realize that NOTHING was your fault !!! Just because she was on her way to your house doesn't mean you have any responsibility for her death. You need to get rid of that guilt -- it doesn't belong to you.

Also, you seem to have very low self-esteem -- you're a nice guy -you've had some bumps in life, and they're very painful --- but that doesn't change who you are -- you're a good guy!!! You need some help in getting your self-esteem back.

Please look into therapy. It certainly has helped me! God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by Blades

Here’s the thing. I’m twenty four, I live in Australia and I’ve never really asked a girl out. My last girlfriend passed away when I was sixteen and she was also my best friend. Her name was Jessica. We knew each other since we were five and we were basically attached to each other. Our parents were best friends too and there was never a day where we weren’t together. As I got older I fell in love with her and I was afraid to tell her because I was worried it would ruin our friendship. I eventually wrote a poem with all my feelings and got a friend to give it to her at morning tea at school. I didn’t want to be there while she read it because I was worried what she would say but to my surprise she came looking for me and that’s when we had our first kiss.

It was the happiest day of my life and I remember how incredible it felt. We became even more inseparable from then on and every day was like a dream. I loved Jessica so much and I couldn’t believe she felt the same way as me. I wrote her poetry every day, sang songs to her and we'd perform songs on stage as a duo at our school. Jessica was an amazing singer while I did most of the backing and the writing when we did our own material. It might sound stupid because we were so young but I asked her to marry her when I was fourteen and she said yes. I thought I had my whole life set out in front of me until one day when she and her Father got involved in a car accident.

Jessica passed away and I blamed myself as did many of her friends because her father was driving her to my house. One of our closest friends (Carol) committed a month later and I dropped out of school and slipped into depression. I spent a year in my bedroom refusing to talk to my parents and I spent most of that time thinking about Jessica and crying. I tried to commit suicide but my father stopped me. Losing Jessica killed me I still feel a hole inside me to this day. I loved her more than anything in the world and to know that I could never talk to her again tore me apart.

I got a job working in a factory because I couldn't stay at home all the time even though I wished I would die so I could see her again. I met some blokes there who were what many would describe as the 'wrong crowd' and I starting drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I took up smoking too because I wanted to die and I'm still hooked. I became an alcoholic and I was addicted to cocaine. I tried to kill myself again one night when my parents went out by drinking as many different things as I could and they came home to find me passed out on the ground. I gave up drinking and drugs and it was difficult to say the least but I wanted to do something with my life.

I was made redundant when the factory I was working went broke and I decided to go to TAFE to get the certificates I missed out on. I wanted to be a writer and a music journalist and for a while I could write poetry and songs again and I even sold some to artists and bands. Nobody particularly famous but it gave me money. During the second year I become depressed again and I would leave classes to snort cocaine in the toilet. I had some left over from before that I couldn’t throw away. My grades began decreasing and for a while I nearly fell off the horse (so to speak) and I tried to kill myself again but somehow I put myself back together.

I completed TAFE and got Certificates two, three and four and that's when I met a woman named Rachel who became my best friend. I had a crush on her but she was a lesbian. I told her the way I felt and she said if she wasn't a lesbian she would have went out with me because I was different than most guys. She then kissed me and said one day I was going to make a woman really happy. She passed away in another car accident six months ago and I believe I have slipped into depression again but I am trying to be strong this time. I'm not drinking or taking drugs and I am trying to keep on the right track. I've had writer's block since then though and my writing skills have been detraining but I'm trying to get them back to become a music journalist. Music is the only thing that has never left me and it is the only thing that makes me happy these days.

Jessica's death still haunts me and I don't know what I did to deserve this but I want to move on. I'm twenty four and most of the guys I used to go to school with are married now. With the exception of Rachel I've never really asked out another woman because I didn't think they would want to waste their time on me. I know I might never find another love like the one I had with Jessica but I just want somebody I can talk to and hold. You know, somebody I could bring a little happiness to and could give me back some in return. I think it's the only way I'm going to cure my depression.

Should I try or am I too late? I'm twenty four and apart from a night I don’t even remember where I woke up next to a naked woman I'm still a virgin which is embarrassing to some people. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life alone because I couldn't stand another ten years of the same thing over again. Do women even go out with guys like me? I'm not the best looking bloke in the world but hopefully I'm not ugly or hideous. I was going to posts some pictures but can’t.

You don't need to show pictures to prove you are not ugly. Your heart sounds beautiful.

I really don't understand why people would be blaming you just because she was coming to your house. IF anyone was to blame you would think people would put it on the father because he was driving. That is neither here nor there though. You should NOT blame yourself!

Being a virgin is honorable in my eyes. I started having sex at 14 and wish that I had saved myself for someone who honestly cared about me.

Drugs are never the answer to any problem. They only postpone true happiness and progress. I know from experience. When I was 17 my father passed away and I started to use drugs heavily (everything from ecstasy, cocaine, crank, alcohol, anything I could get my hands on really) to numb myself and not think of it. It turned out that even when I was doped up I still felt my heart hurting and realized I had to just deal with the situation.

It is never too late to find someone to love and someone to love you. It is never to late to create the life that you want. I would not depend on a woman being in your life to pull you out of depression though. You need to find that strength from within yourself. Using this online community can help you find ways to bring that strength out.

[ladyjrnlist]

You are still very young. Don't worry so much about it. Give yourself time to recover first.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Blades,

Oh your story is so sad, a true love story. And you were very young when that happened, there was no way to understand or deal with that kind of loss. And it is no wonder you feel lost and depressed. You do have PTSD and that encompasses may emotions, all the emotions that you are describing. The depression is partly anger turned inward but also a deep loss of direction and meaning in your life.

And it sounds like you never really had a good therapist to help you work through all of these emotions and find ways to morn and understand that it really had nothing to do with you, it was an awful accident, no one is to blame. There are no drugs that can replace therapy and you have realized that you cannot run away either. No, you are going to have to learn how to heal and find strength and as you do that you will be better able to express those emotions that you have buried inside you and let them out.

One of the qualities that I do see is your ability to feel deep devotion and love for others. Though you may see it as a weekness it is a good quality to bring to a relationship. And Racheal was right, she called out your special quality and that it was very special. Within the ability to feel that depth of love for another human being also lies the down side of extreme grief when someone is lost or hurt. And that is why you like to write music and you could be a very good writer as you can tap on those deep feelings in finding ways to express them within a beautiful poem or story or words to a song. And the block is only a reflection of your sense of loss for direction and that doesn't mean the ability to express feelings and emotion are lost.

And that is not lost in you either Blades. One of my favorite artists is Elton John.
He didn't write the words to his music but once they were written he could express them to the depth of them with each effort to sing them. One of my favorites is about Marylynn Monroe.

You have a whole life ahead of you yet Blade, your still so young. And believe it or not there may be one young lady out there that you may love even more than the love you have experienced in the past. I know it sounds unlikely but you may be very surprised at what you may find in life. And don't worry about not having the experience sexually, if you find the right woman you will learn from her how to be intimate and she will appreciate that even more.

You need to spend time in therapy and work on rebuilding your inner core. As you begin to do that the writting will come. You have to work on yourself and that inner core has to be restored as it was very injured when you were only just discovering that core. But it is not destroyed Blades, it is still there waiting to be repaired. In that repair you will be better equipped to again offer that wonderful part of you to yet another woman who is somewhere waiting for someone like you. And when that happens you will write about that too.

Open Eyes

[Hope_Walker]

Hi Blades

As a guy who only started dating properly in my mid to late twenties I know the pain of the sadness and isolation you feel now. I also endured grinding depression for years from other causes while burying my head in books. I was an emotional zombie on the surface to others and offputting to women. You're not at alone in this and can indeed triumph over this adversity.

I realise that you also feel that frustrating sense of anguish from perpetually unmet desires for sex with a woman on a deeper level but that has to come later.

The paradox in seeking love and romantic companionship is that you need to love yourself first before another can love you. We all need company to some extent regardless but to find joy and happiness in another you must first have it within yourself so you can provide it to them too. In a sense you need to become 'stronger'. One after all cannot base their entire happiness on another being. For the 'interdependence' of love and a relationship the two must first be able to stand independently.

And it is very possible, in fact inevitable, if you can find that ability to push forward. But just like the ladies have said above, you need to heal within first and grow. It's a vague phrase because how each one does this is different. That can however mean confronting your trauma's, your inner emotional ghosts that torture you and finding your self worth as a man - not 'man' like in the testosterone aggro machismo of getting into barfights and sexist treatment of women - but as in your genuine confidence, warmth and feelings of self worth and self ease that make you proud to be a person.

Yes, this is something I also had to do too and it was indeed hard and very painful. But nothing worthwhile comes easy. You will also likely have to try interact with a number of women along the way to learn (but please notice - not try sleep with all of them as a 'pick up artist' mentality would).

I can also see the intensity within you through your writing here. Writing that is still a bit rough but already good and beyond the capability of many others. It can indeed grow and lead you to eventually becoming a writer but besides that, it's that intensity which can become the source of a wider drive and ambition for you.

I can't give you all the answers down pat as I don't know you personally, circumstances and people differ, meanings take a while to sink in for us and I'm not psychologist of any sort. You also need to discover some things your own way to 'claim them as yours' in a sense. But you do have what it takes to take the many small steps forward slowly as both healing and growing is like turning an enormous dial you can only turn a notch at a time. Indeed, one experience and one lesson at a time.

It's also critical that you seek out precious people first over women and not be afraid of therapy - it's important for turning that dial. Don't be hard on yourself either if you make mistakes and don't worry about trying to be perfect.

I suspect it may also seem unfair to be here because of what you've had to endure and where you've been left when others seem to be so much more fortunate. Yet you can become more than those others in the end.

Just never let go of your values. They're the bedrock of the courage you need to push through the fear of confronting the unknown in order to grow.

[Blades]

Thanks for all the comments. I don't want to give up. I'd love to get married to an amazing woman like Jessica or Rachel one day and have kids. I love kids and have always wanted a daughter. The past eight years of my life have been an absolute hell and I want to change that. I want to go on adventures and do crazy things and I just want somebody I can do it with. I thought I lost myself but when I met Rachel it changed and for a while it was like I was really ‘me’ again and I hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. I loved her and she said she loved me but not in the way I really wanted her to because she was a lesbian. She was an incredible woman and she also told me if she had met me a few years before she might never have become a lesbian.

Since losing her I seem to be falling apart again but I’m hanging on this time because I want to make something of myself and I want people to be proud of me. I like making people laugh and getting them to do crazy things they’ve never done before. I want to live life to the fullest and I don’t want others make the same mistakes as me. I have a darkness inside me that is not always easy to control but I believe the good inside me outweighs the bad. I know I have some low self esteems issues too but I am trying to deal with them because I want to get my life back on track.

Every time I get close to a woman these days it is like there is a voice inside me telling me they wouldn't want me after everything that’s happened. I guess what I am looking for is true love which some people might say doesn't exist in this modern age but I believe it does. I had it with Jessica and I felt it every time I held her in my arms and every time we kissed. I was pretty much the class clown when I was at school and that's what Jessica loved about me. She was incredibly beautiful and we always spent so much time together. We were together every day and would sleep over each other’s houses. When I lost Jessica I think I also lost a part of myself which I need to get back again.

[Blades]

Thanks for all the comments. I don't want to give up. I'd love to get married to an amazing woman like Jessica or Rachel one day and have kids. I love kids and have always wanted a daughter. The past eight years of my life have been an absolute hell and I want to change that. I want to go on adventures and do crazy things and I just want somebody I can do it with. I thought I lost myself but when I met Rachel it changed and for a while it was like I was really ‘me’ again and I hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. I loved her and she said she loved me but not in the way I really wanted her to because she was a lesbian. She was an incredible woman and she also told me if she had met me a few years before she might never have become a lesbian.

Since losing her I seem to be falling apart again but I’m hanging on this time because I want to make something of myself and I want people to be proud of me. I like making people laugh and getting them to do crazy things they’ve never done before. I want to live life to the fullest and I don’t want others make the same mistakes as me. I have a darkness inside me that is not always easy to control but I believe the good inside me outweighs the bad. I know I have some low self esteems issues too but I am trying to deal with them because I want to get my life back on track.

Every time I get close to a woman these days it is like there is a voice inside me telling me they wouldn't want me after everything that’s happened. I guess what I am looking for is true love which some people might say doesn't exist in this modern age but I believe it does. I had it with Jessica and I felt it every time I held her in my arms and every time we kissed. I was pretty much the class clown when I was at school and that's what Jessica loved about me. She was incredibly beautiful and we always spent so much time together. We were together every day and would sleep over each other’s houses. When I lost Jessica I think I also lost a part of myself which I need to get back again.

So I uploaded some photos to my profile. Be honest, did I get smacked in the face with a baseball bat (lol) or do I stand a chance with another girl?

[Open Eyes]

Well, what I see is a very handsome guy with very kind eyes. I don't see any signs or marks of a bat there. So it is not the outside that you have to worry about.

It is the heart that needs to be healed so it can take that kindness and share it with another person.

Open Eyes

[Hazel Glitter]

I agree with Open Eyes.

It does not appear that you have been hit with an ugly stick

Hang in there!

[Blades]

Thanks

I will hang in there and try to heal.