[SeptemberMorn]

Here are the emails between my "favorite" DIL and me since last night. She and David are VERY sensitive when it comes to me expressing my thoughts and feelings and most times, IMO, go way over the top in their response. (They don't know about STOP, THINK, ACT. )

What I need here is some input on my response to Davie. How would you reword it to minimize her reaction, which in turn, sets David off and his reaction is even worse than hers.

Keep in mind that I'm not on any antidepressants at the moment. However, I have tried to be as objective and CALM in what I've written as I could at the moment.

I'm open to all and any suggestions from you.



I'm in the mood for something really different for Christmas dinner along with the traditional turkey. You got any ideas?? What else for dessert besides pumpkin pie?

Here's some of mine:
Your baked sweet potatoes with the candy on the side for whoever wants it
Garlic Shrimp
Wild rice
Mashed potatoes (Gots ta have 'em!!)
Stove Top Stuffing

What about a salad and/or a vegetable... or something fruity??

For dessert, the usual pumpkin pie and a variety of home made cookies

Oh... and at our place? Sure! Why not? Three-ish.

Haven't talked to John yet, but we might as well count on them. Get back to me soon, ok? wooooohooooooooo I'm getting excited!

Response from Davie this morning:

Tomi:

Either place really is fine for us but I think 5:00 is
a lot better for us. That leaves time for a nap after
the morning (it's a tradition).

I was thinking of making tamales but if you would
rather do traditional that is okay too. If we do
traditional I will cover the turkey and rolls. If we
do mexican I will cover the tamales (chicken and pork)
and tortilla chips and rice or beans. For desert I
could do some cookies and fudge, etc...

Let me know what you decide!

Davie

My "proposed" answer:

Davie, I understand that you all might need a nap after all the doings in the morning, BUT.... and please bear with me. These are MY feelings and I take full responsibility for them. I can deal with them. By Christmas night, for me, I might as well not have had Christmas, ya know? It's like when I told Chuck when he was calling me the night of my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. It was over by then! My birthday may have been happier if he had called me the night before!

For how many years have you been having Christmas with Bob on Christmas Eve? For seven years, I was alone... one person but I was never invited to join you on Christmas morning so that I could enjoy the kids opening their gifts? That is what was so important to me was the excitement of the kids and all the hubbub. I'm beginning to get used to it by now. Please understand that I am not creating drama here. All I'm doing is telling you my feelings that I can and do deal with. It would just be nice to not be left for the very last when everybody is ready to put the Christmas festivities behind them. Please, just mull it around in your mind and please don't get upset. There really is no need. I am not asking for a drastic change for Christmas. My point is that five o'clock seems so late!

In last night's email, I said it in what I thought was a funny way, but I'm inviting you here, to my new place for Christmas.

I found a recipe that sounds yummy for the turkey and I want to fix that. Actually, I'm prepared to fix everything.

I asked you if ya'll eat shrimp. I know David ate fish like it was going out of style for a while until I guess he made himself sick on it and wouldn't eat it. Will all of you eat shrimp?? I don't want to go to the expense of buying it if most of you won't eat it. I'd like to share the recipe with you so you can tell me if it even sounds good to you.

When I mentioned your baked sweet potatoes, I thought you might fix them.

As for the bread, I've already bought enough Mama Bela's Texas Toast to go with the dinner.

I'd like to have your input on the rest of what I mentioned in my last email. Knowing what you know now about what I'm thinking for the menu, what are your ideas/thoughts?

In last night's email, I said it in what I thought was a funny way, but I'm inviting you here, to my new place for Christmas

That to me is the whole point.

They should've been gracious enough to accept the invitation and then offered to bring something.

I would (this is just me now, my own stuff) write back and say,

----------------------------------------

Sorry for the confusion, let me rephrase it.

I am inviting you to come to my new place to celebrate the holiday and have Christmas dinner with us.

We'll be eating a traditional turkey dinner around three o'clock with all the fixings. If you're coming, I'd love for you to bring your baked sweet potatoes with the candy on the side.

It would mean the world to me to share this holiday dinner with all of you. Please let me know ASAP.

[SeptemberMorn]

A flower after my own heart! So... I guess I don't need to explain anything?? It chaps my hide to be left to the very last of everything! Guess I should "deal," eh? ... at them, not you.

I guess I don't need to explain anything??

Not knowing them, but my guess would be it puts them on the defense. That's where things go sour. Me thinks you gotta stick to your guns. You are in control!

[h0kie]

I agree with Petunia. Let them know when you are planning to have your meal and then they can adjust accordingly. Even if they just come late. They can bring something or not. Make what you want to make and go from there. Buy less shrimp. If it is there for them to try when they get there, great! If not, sorry `bout your luck. I'm sure there will be plenty of other food.

It's your house.

I guess what I am saying is, pick your battles.

You seem to be making the effort to include them and they don't sound all that receptive. Again, I say, it's your house do what you like - they can like it or lump it.

By Christmas night, for me, I might as well not have had Christmas, ya know? It's like when I told Chuck when he was calling me the night of my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. It was over by then! My birthday may have been happier if he had called me the night before!

IMO, Christmas is just a day, honestly. It's the family togetherness that is important. Whether that occurs on the 25th, the 26th, or the 30th. At least that is what my mom says. As for the birthday thing, at least he cared enough to call, you know?

Good luck.

[SeptemberMorn]

Let me think about sticking to my guns. David is as stubborn and set in his ways as I am and his temper is worse than mine.

Ok... I'm the Mother, here! I am in control. It's MY invitation to MY house, right? ...

(Crap on a stick!! I used to NEVER bend. Now they've nearly broken me in half!! Would you believe I'm shaking inside??? Shame on me!! )

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))))

My opinon, I wouldnt explain anything to them. You are wanting to fix a nice Christmas dinner for them. They need to take into considerations your feelings. they need to realize that this is something you want to do for them and the whole family. Tell them that they are invited to come.. if they choose not to.... it is thier loss. You are a wonderful person and they would be fools not to want to be around you!!!!

[jmo531]

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mrb023077 said:
(((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))))

My opinon, I wouldnt explain anything to them. You are wanting to fix a nice Christmas dinner for them. They need to take into considerations your feelings. they need to realize that this is something you want to do for them and the whole family. Tell them that they are invited to come.. if they choose not to.... it is thier loss. You are a wonderful person and they would be fools not to want to be around you!!!!

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[SeptemberMorn]

Mel and Jen... you know what will happen if I stick to my guns? They won't show up until five and dinner will be cold AND I'll be pissed and hurt!

[jmo531]

You have to set "boundaries" here. You are making dinner at your home and you are in charge here. I understand your need to accomadate because I try and do the same thing. However, you have got to stop being broken in half because they continue to want to call the shots here. YOU CALL THE SHOTS.

Mama Tomi, Stay strong. I know how hard it can be.

((((((((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))))


Huggles,

jen

[jmo531]

Hope I dint sound too harsh. Sorry if I did.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}

Not AT ALL harsh!

[mrb020377]

well you are always telling me things and i have alot of trust in you. You most favorite line is : Take care of yourself!!! You have to do what you need to do for you. You alone can not please everyone in this world... I know that you want to, but honey it isnt possible. They are grown adults, They should know that if dinner is at 3 and they show up at 5 that it will be cold. Why cant they come take a nap on your coach????????

We all know that we cant control the way others act. I know that he is your son. I know that they way he treats you hurts, but bending over backwards for him is just allowing him to continue to step on you..... didnt you tell me that once???????

Not trying to hurt your feelings, cause you know i care...

[Beautiful_Pain]

Looks like you have lots of good advice, so I will just wish you the best and give supportive hugs =D {{{{{Tomi}}}}}

[SeptemberMorn]

Ok... here's the crux of the matter. Starting from the time my first kid got married, my daughter, she and the rest of us alternated Thanksgivings and Christmases. THAT is the way I think it should be! When David got married, suddenly it was done the way HE wanted it. Christmas Eve with his dad and family, Christmas morning David with HIS family that included his mother and then father in law. When Chuck got married, it didn't matter because he's in Oregon. When John got married, it was his WIFE'S way or not at all, which was Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning and Christmas "lunch" with HER parents. I didn't get MY turn until David said I got it, which USED to be at three pm on Christmas Day. NOW, David is pushing it back two more hours. John's inlaws have Christmas "lunch," but they are still full and aren't ready to eat at three... or four... or five, really! They're full for the rest of the day.

MY problem is this. I'M %#@&#! TIRED OF GETTING EVERYONE'S LEFTOVERS!!!!!

[Lexicon78]

Well, this is a tough one. Families can be so complicated, too. You gave out the invitation, right? So let it stand as is. If they can't accept the invitation as is, it's their problem. I know that this may be hard to do as we all want our families to be together, but we can't please everyone.

YOU are making the food, and it's YOUR house, and YOU'RE the one making the invitation. So if they can't accept that or respect you enough to be there, well, then what can you do really? Sounds like they're being very selfish if you ask me.

Umm, this kinda sounds like you are having trouble setting up boundaries, too. Is this the case with them? Just a thought.

[SeptemberMorn]

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Umm, this kinda sounds like you are having trouble setting up boundaries, too. Is this the case with them? Just a thought.

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It's more than a thought, Lex. It's a fact. I SO much want to have a good time and I SO much want to matter to my kids that I'll do almost anything to not cause waves. But enough is enough! I'm tired of coming in dead last, ya know?

[SeptemberMorn]

WHOA! I missed your post! I'm so sorry! It's just that I've been on one hairy rollercoaster today, trying to not be so pushy with the kids but feeling so bad that I don't seem to matter to them that much.

Did I mention that my youngest son isn't even talking to me? Not since the first of October. And it's so damn rediculous and stupid!!! If it wasn't that they're my kids, I'd say "Screw you!"

You know? If I wanted to make tamales, I've got two neighbors that have asked me if I'd like to make them with their help. It's tradition that the women all get together to make them because it's such a big, long drawn out process. I didn't want to make tamales this year... but for little or nothing, I might just invite these women over to my house and, by golly, we'll make tamales!! I'll bet ANYTHING that we could all find the time to share them at a decent hour on Christmas Day! We're not that close, either! I would classify them simply as "friendly neighbors."

I don't know... I don't understand...

[misty]

Gosh I remember the first time of coming to reality that my children have their own lives. It hurt when they made plans with significant others or other family first or decided to stay home on the holidays for what ever reason. I felt not important enough.
It dawned on me one day that my kids are exactly what I raised them to be..... Independant. Geesh!!!!!
I now plan what I plan, invite them and whoever shows up shows up. I tell them they can bring what ever they like and let them know what I make. If they show up late and hungry they know how to warm food up. It works out fine. I am grateful for the times our plans work out together. It is less than I'd like but I no longer fret over it. Phew!!!!!
Sounds like plans with your neighbors would be fun.
So sorry to hear that your youngest is not talking to you. ((((((((((((SeptemberMorn)))))))))))))) I know that hurts.
skylrks

[nothemama8]

Hey Sept, sometimes neighbors make better family members than blood family invite the neighbors to a Holiday Dinner and to blazes with the rest
Marie

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, BP. Those go a long way to making me feel better.

[SeptemberMorn]

You know, I realized that my kids have their own lives long ago. I, too, raised them to be independent and self-sufficient, but I also raised them to have strong family values and family ties, to be respectful and unselfish. Something else I've realized is that they are adults that have given up the family values they were raised with. They've moved away from what they were taught. It's their loss in the end, but damn, it's painful for me no matter how I look at it. We won't mention the issues from my childhood that it brings back. That is MY problem to deal with.

I'm glad for you that you can be happy with whatever happens. I'm not made that way. Since they've all grown up and moved on with their lives, I've had to change much of my own thinking. I've changed it so much that it feels like I could break in two from bending over backwards for them. I do everything within my power to not make waves and to go along with the program as much as possible. With my oldest son "pushing his options" a little bit further, I feel that I'm about to snap... maybe I'm about to snap back. We'll have to see. There's simply no good reason for me to take the back seat to everyone else, get everybody's left-overs time after time. Sorry, no can do.

[SeptemberMorn]

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Christmas is just a day, honestly.

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It's always been a Special day in our family.

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It's the family togetherness that is important.

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Exactly!! And I don't feel like I'm family. I feel like the maid that may or may not get remembered on a "family togetherness" day.

[SeptemberMorn]

Marie, I learned that lesson the hard way when I was almost homeless! My best friend was the one that was there for me for whatever. Maybe I'm forgetting that lesson now...

Yeah... there's nothing wrong with having some together time and some fun with my neighbor ladies!

[wisewoman]

Hi Tommy, My 2 cents here? Son, I have not been feeling all that well lately and I am needing to rest in the evenings. I am really excited to share my new home with you and the family. Dinner is at 3:00, I am making this, would you make that? And anything else you are interested in? Can't wait to see you. No battles