[NSH4]

Okay, so before the typical answers of “Insert disrespectful phrase here” start flooding this question I have a girlfriend that I’ve been with for a month. Two weeks into our relationship she got pregnant. We both agreed that we did not want a kid cause it was wayyyyyy to soon but the day the positive sign was on the test poof her mind changed. Don’t get me wrong I am thrilled to have a kid also, I understand “sex = baby” and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to get rid of it while it seemed her mind was made up until she seen results on the test.

My father left me when I was young and I want to be anything but some messed up duchbag that left his kid but it seems that all me and my girlfriend do is argue and I don’t know how to try to compromise any more than I do. We fight over how to discipline her current child, a Beautiful 2yr old girl who gets her way with everything every time she cries. So I sat down with her and we talked about how she wants her child disciplined. And things have been fine since. (We also agreed that we will discipline our kid how we both want. I do understand I am not her father but I def am going to be her something aren’t I?

We argue over stupid little things as well such as she leaves her clothes everywhere, she never takes out the trash, she waits till I complain about how she hasn’t shaved her legs or arm pits, and believe me it’s a lot more than stubble… stubble I can deal with. Never rinses out her dishes that I wash, and always seems to hold things in instead of talking about things with me; or at least arguing it out so we can feel better after. And on top of all of this she gets mad when she goes to bed at 10 or 9 at night and I don’t go to bed with her because she is tired. And I’ve tried to talk to her about this too and it always turns into arguments because were both thick headed and say things wrong to each other. (Were both offensive and easily offended.)

I know it’s not all her and I will admit that I am unemployed currently and watch her daughter while looking for work, cleaning, cooking and pretty much doing anything she needs such as running to the store or bringing her lunch. I even sold my car because her baby daddy can’t be man enough to buy his daughter things. I am a also a fulltime college student on top of that, She buys me cigarettes all the time and she does pay all the bills herself which I do feel bad for because I am doing my best to get a job anywhere even fast food if needed. I love that she helps me, but I never got a chance to get to know her we were just being rabbits and now that we are living together I honestly don’t see things working because I hate to argue, but I am not looking to be a lap dog either and do whatever she wants her way I am looking for a 50/50 situation and it seems like either it’s her way or she is mad.

Am I doing something wrong? I am trying to be a man and be here for my kid, because I hate what happened to me. I am trying to work things out with her while cleaning, cooking, looking for work, and doing school work. But things just don’t seem to get better. Is there any advice for a situation like this? And if I sound selfish believe me I am trying to be anything but that hence why I am asking for help. I want to work things out for my kid more than anything but I would like us to either get along and want some kind of relationship or move on before we both get real hurt from forcing something that is not going to happen.

[Soul Quake]

So you sold your car to take care of a kid who is not yours? What about the father paying child support?

Does your girlfriend's place of work provide her with benefits that can enable you two to undergo relationship counseling?

[NSH4]

I did, and no he doesn’t. ("SHE IS WORKING ON IT") It’s not fair to my girlfriend’s daughter that her dad don’t want to take care of her. My girlfriend tries a lot to make sure that she can see her dad. Usually he is the one who just decides not to at the last minute. And I do want things to work, I know I am not happy because things seem to be going nowhere; but is this just because we never got to know each other any other way?

I don’t want to leave my kid and I feel if we can just find ways to get along maybe things could work? I understand this is a part of life, being responsible and “Maning up” so to speak. But when you’re doing your best and it doesn’t seem good enough what do you do then?

I am trying for two reasons:

1) I don’t want to be a father paying child support and seeing my kid on weekends. I always told myself I would be a better father than that. (I hate that my father did it to me; and I was stupid enough to try and give him a second chance when I was 18 and he blew me off again.)

2) I Un-happy because it seems no matter what I do to try to work on things it just simply doesn’t work.

I don’t mean to whine about this either but if I were in a similar situation without having a child involved in the mix and I seen things weren’t working because apparently were both to “Headstrong” then I usually break things off at this point after trying. But knowing I have a kid on the way and knowing that if we just took the time to work on things maybe things could impove keeps me here.

I am not looking to change her or be changed I’m looking for a way were we can work on things, and sadly her job has no benefits at all and I would only feel worse making her pay for something else. It’s bad enough that there are times when we are arguing and it’s like “You’re not her dad” which I understand but It leads me to thinking even though I’m not, I’ll be dammed if I’m going to be disrespected by someone I help raise. And “This isn’t your house” cause I don’t pay bills.

Another great example of the types of arguments we have is how I want to grow out my hair and she threatens to leave me if I do so… (To me this shows she is no way committed to the person but the appearance of the person and she’s already stated I’m the best looking boyfriend she has had.) It just makes me question things.

I am clueless with all of this and just don’t know what to do. It may be something petty but I don’t know I just feel like other then knowing all of this happened to soon… its always going to be an uphill battle.

[IceCreamKid]

First of all you have two jobs already: being a student and taking care of a household. For paying work, make sure you look at whatever jobs are available through your university, too. A two year old has little self-discipline and is still mostly baby. While it is good to reinforce "say please!" or "you may have 1 cookie" when kids are that little they require patience from mom and dad more than anything, and you will end up repeating "say please" but if you do, eventually you will have a child who will say please (and thank you and excuse me, etc) unprompted. Consistency is the key. The absolute best thing you can do for the tot is to model good manners and cooperation and self discipline. The next best thing is making sure she has a regular bedtime. Since you are going to have two babies in the house the more quickly you and your girlfriend stop sweating the small stuff the better. If her hairy armpits or legs offend you, set out the razor, a towel and some nice lotion and say, "I want to pamper you" and shave 'em yourself. Since you have not had a good role model in husbanding and parenting, any counseling you can get free or low cost should be all to the good and might be available through your university, local child welfare agencies, religious institutions or even the local hospital. The people here are nice and should have loads of other ideas for you. I send you and your girlfriend and her baby and your baby love.

[NSH4]

I thank you for your advice, I am glad I joined this site today. I understand I am not perfect and I don’t want to be I just would like some guidance from time to time. Things don’t need to be crazy and I know that so I simply want to work on improving things.

[Caretaker Leo]

NSH4 - Sincere and caring questions coming...

2 weeks in and she is pregnant. Are you absolutely sure it is your child?
How old are each of you?

From what you have shared with us - I get the impression that you are both still pretty young, haven't finished school and are still questioning what/who you want to become in life. If that is the case - no, you aren't being selfish. There is a vision ahead of you that may still be many years off - and you are aiming for it.

As a person who married too young and went through a divorce - I hope you are able to consult with professionals for guidance. As difficult as it might feel - it would possibly be best for the unborn child to be put up for adoption.

The job of being a parent is not easy. From my own experience, it was and still is the hardest job of my life. (My sons are all adults - but they still come back to me to parent them - once a parent - always a parent).

[RomanSunburn]

You university will definitely have mental health services on campus, so that is something you should look into. They can also give you a list of off campus therapists and psychiatrists that would probably have sliding scale fees for low income families. And any public library will have a good collection of parenting books, if you're interested in looking at those too.

I think you and your girlfriend need to decide if you want to stay together for reasons other than a child. If the two of you stay together just because of the baby you have together, you're relationship could be very volatile and unstable, eventually causing more emotional/mental harm to your kid than good. You can still be there for your child as a father without having to stay with your girlfriend if the relationship isn't going to be healthy or positive. I think because she got pregnant so early on it's going to change dynamics completely and make this a lot more difficult than if she wasn't. The relationship won't get to progress naturally; you'll both feel a lot of pressure. If you do think this is a relationship that you'd be interested in continuing, with or without the child, then I think counseling for one or both of you could be very beneficial. A therapist can help you learn to communicate with one another, as well as teach you how to balance the stress of being a new parent and the up and down's of being in a new relationship. Also, compromising would be something to work on. I like the idea of offering to pamper her (bubble bath, shaving her legs, lotion). Maybe you could suggest a few nights a week, the two of you go to bed together and the other nights you get to stay up late without a fight. Or maybe you could read in bed when she's going to sleep.

I think you're doing a great job. Going to school full time while making sure the household is running smoothly is a lot of work! Don't sell yourself short. Make sure you fill out the FAFSA; you might be able to get some work study on campus next year.

Good luck!! I'm sending positive thoughts your way

[picklepuss]

Trust your gut instincts... if you are getting weaker as yourself in this relationship, then stay out of it. Children need your strenghth... They aren't glue.... they require your ability to be supportive... they won't fix your relationship. Just be the best Father you can be, without using them as a reason to stay trapped.