[TonySG]

Hi, I never know if I'm posting in the right forum. So please correct me if i'm wrong.

My story is that I am a 30-year-old male who has been through therapy for a bout 12months. I have made some good progress but at the moment I can not afford to keep seeing a therapist so I'm trying my best to learn as much as I can about myself.

After going through my troubled childhood with a therapist and a hypnotherapist I thought I had resolved alot of my issues from my past which include a alcoholic father and a co-dependent, over-protective mother. Even though I felt like I was making good progress something kept holding me back. After doing sufficient research I have come to the conclusion that deep down I have a narcissitic personality disorder (NPD) and this is the reason I keep getting pulled back when I feel i'm making good progress. I believe I need to deal with the NPD to make further progress because I feel I have dealt with alot of my other issues. NPD especially effects me at work, where on some level I think I'm better than others and I dont like it when someone else performs better than me, infact I feel envy and hate towards them. I sometimes feel that I am 'special' and where I work would struggle without me, I also see now how I try to control certain people aswell. I guess recognising these behaviours is the first step to dealing with them!

From the research I have done, I have come to the conclusion that my NPD developed from my over-protective mother, who bascially did everything for me, I even slept in the same bed as her till I was about 13. I was painfully shy growing up, until my early 20's but I am a more confident person now. I do see that even though my mum is a nice person, she is also controlling and due to her over-parenting perhaps that made me feel on some deep level that I was/am better than other people around me. Is this one of the primary reasons NPD can develop?

From what I understand, NPD can develop very early in a childs development even before the age of three thats why it can be so difficult to treat and overcome. But, I am very determined and I am convinced I'll deal with this!!

I also have trouble with promiscouisty and intamicy. If anyone can recommend any books or give me any advice on dealing with this then that would be great Even though I cant afford to see a therapist anymore, I feel better writing about how I feel.

Thanks for reading!!

[lynn P.]

I think its great you want to improve yourself. Reading books and articles on the subject would be good and work on thinking about others - fostering empathy and less selfish acts.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36.htm

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/resear...l-narcissists/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/resear...l-narcissists/

http://psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/dir/...issism&x=0&y=0

[Soul Quake]

Emotion Regulation

(use the next arrows at the top of each page)

[StrongerMan]

Hi,

Were you diagnosed with NPD or you just have strong narcissistic traits? Please know that true NPD's don't seek professional help out of genuine consideration for those they've abused. They just want to find a reason or excuse for why they have been suffering pitfalls or setbacks in life or to prove that it really is everyone else's fault after all. It is all about THEM. They are always the victim of other people or some malady. It is merely a means of regaining or maintaining control over the situation that is uncomfortable for them..in other words, shaming. If they are diagnosed with NPD or ADD/ADHD, or what have you, they will soon return to their dysfunctional, abusive, approval (supply) demanding behavior once they are back on their feet. Only now they have a clinical diagnosis to blame in addition to another person. Kudos to you if you truly understand how your faulty behavior hurts those around you and you wish to change... yourself.

You may want to look into community outreach/family counseling programs in your area and a sliding scale fee for therapy. I once did this while unemployed and only paid $25 per visit.

[seeker1950]

What Strongerman says: read it again!

[TonySG]

I havent been 'diagnosed' with NPD. Maybe I dont have the full disorder but I feel I display some traits of the disorder. I could be mildy narcissitic (if thats possible). I havent abused anyone, infact most people say I'm a nice guy. But, I would like to change my controlling behaviour and to stop feeling that I am better than certain people for whatever reason. I either accept of reject people for no real valid reason. If I accept them I become very friendly with them but if I reject them I don't give them the slightest thought. For example, their is a girl at my works, who comes across as emotionally weak and has low self-esteem, I can see her flaws and I dont like them, so I just ignore her. Obviously my behaviour wont make her feel any better.

I know real self-esteem doesnt come from thinking you are better than others but respecting and accepting that even though everyone is different, we are all equal - I just need to drill this into myself on a deeper level!!

[StrongerMan]

It sounds to me that you are a very insightful and introspective guy. So you have a great foundation for healing to build upon. My childhood was actually similar to yours. So I can relate. Can I ask you if other people in your life have expressed dissatisfaction in how you treat them? Do THEY tell you they feel rejected, controlled, or tell you that you act better than everyone else? Or is this something you mainly get the feeling that you are doing? I think it would be most helpful for you to take a deeper look what makes up who you are as person. That is, what aspects of your personality (good or bad) have been formed in your childhood upbringing (nurture) vs. those that are innately yours (nature). If you've never done any of the personality tests such as Myers-Briggs or Keirsey Temperament, I recommend you do so. This has helped me to understand why I think and act the way I do in certain situations. Sometimes what we believe to be a weakness can actually be a positive if we learn how to view it in a new light, manage and use it to our advantage. As an example, my hypercritical, alcoholic father made me feel as though I was never good enough, leaving me with a deficit in confidence and self esteem. I learned from him that the reward of taking risks in life was not worth the prospect of failure and subsequent scrutiny and criticism. In the same token, I was labeled as a child as shy, too quiet, less likeable, not a "people person". I won the "Silent Sam" award in elementary school once. I always felt ashamed for being this way. Indeed, different is often tantamount to being weird or defective. But I have grown over the years to understand that this is just my nature. I AM different and that is a good thing. I think before I act, I am not impulsive, I am not a quick decision maker but usually make the right one the first time, I "measure twice and cut once". I really am a people person but deal better one on one or in small groups vs. crowds. I don't have to be ashamed of who I am. As you can see, things that are ingrained in us during a childhood marked by dysfunction and abuse can hinder our growth as adults. Learning who we really are can pay huge dividends in living a more healthy and happy life.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TonySG

For example, their is a girl at my works, who comes across as emotionally weak and has low self-esteem, I can see her flaws and I dont like them, so I just ignore her. Obviously my behaviour wont make her feel any better.

Not kidding, with your background, you should be congratulating yourself on having this good of boundaries. Unless you are secretly attracted to her and that is why you mentioned her. You don't SOUND as messed up as you say, is what I think people are saying here (i get that too (okay quit laughing you lot) you eventually pick up a british accent here) but that doesn't mean we don't have major problems getting along in life, just because we can talk good and be quiet in school. I found some al-anon groups to be pretty helpful as "free" therapy for a while. also just hanging out here has been great, I recommend it, you can learn a lot.

[TonySG]

Originally Posted by StrongerMan

Can I ask you if other people in your life have expressed dissatisfaction in how you treat them? Do THEY tell you they feel rejected, controlled, or tell you that you act better than everyone else? Or is this something you mainly get the feeling that you are doing?

Yes, my little sister finds me abit 'full-on' when I'm having discussions or arguments. I sometimes struggle to take another persons point on-board and always believe I am correct. But, this is something I am now consious of and try my best to listen to another person in a discussion.

Off the top of my head this is the only real time I remember anyone saying I try to control. But, I think doing subtle things that go unnoticed such as ignoring people for no real reason is a form of control. Considering I was extremely shy growing up, I am quite the opposite now. I guess I would just like to be able to get on with everyone. But, thats probs never going to happen!

[StrongerMan]

That is where learning your temperament can be helpful. I am introverted. I know I need to have my alone time to recharge. If someone called and invited me out during one of these times, I would have to decline the invitation or just not answer a phone call. Part of me used to feel guilty as if I was letting people down and being mean to them for not wanting to join them or even acknowledge them. This sometimes depressed me. But I have since come to know that it's ok for me to feel this way. It is as much a part of me as my blue eyes. So now I will answer the phone and just explain that I am feeling tired and will meet them out next time. The person is understanding the vast majority of the time. We sometimes judge ourselves too harshly because society beats it into us that we have to be or act a certain way.