[parsifal]

Maybe I shouldn't have - maybe I"ve been thinking too much about this - but I took the Romantic Attachment Quiz on Dr. Grohol's site. My results said I'm "Intense and Preoccupied." While the initial part doesn't necessarily sound accurate, the second part definitely does:

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You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.

It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.

Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.

Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.

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Especially the part about my partner not feeling like I know her. This all makes me feel very anxious I'm willing to work on this, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend. She's gone right now (and I'm feeling abandoned since I haven't heard from her, but she may just trying to be on her own -- she's volunteering in New Orleans), so I can't talk with her about it. What should I do until then? Do you have any other advice?

[Myzen]

Hi Parsifal,

I have been in a situation that may have been like yours, and I still have to be careful with my own 'attachment style'.

My feeling is that we can't go wrong if we listen carefully to the other person, really listen, and try to show that we care about what they want. It's not easy to do, but it does pay dividends.

Good thoughts,

M

[JustBen]

I like Myzen's advice. Really making the effort to listen and be attentive will probably help. It's not as easy as it sounds. It takes real concentration to stay on track and not get lost in your own part of the conversation.

[LMo]

The "intense and preoccupied" boyfriend... from my own experiences, the most important thing you should do is be careful NOT to put words in her mouth or make assumptions about how she feels. Best of luck, Parsifal.

[parsifal]

Thanks for your comments :-)

I want to listen to her. I want to discover where my selfishness lies and how it has blocked me from seeing her as she is. I've written a lot of things down -- some things I'll cultivate and share, some perhaps not.

The only problem right now is that my girlfriend is in New Orleans doing volunteer work. I'm sure she wanted the break and enjoys feeling like she's on her own and escaped from everything else, but she has cut off contact, and either I don't remember us talking about that, or she has felt so committed to what she's doing that it has just seemed natural and assumed that she would be out of contact with everyone. But I've just had the fear (irrational, I assume) that she has discovered that she doesn't need me any more and will come back a completely different person. This scares me. I feel like it will all prove to be delusion and I'm suffering from low self-esteem (among other things), but there you have it. I'm trying to discover the nature of my love and attachment. It's hard to do all of this without being able to talk to her, though. But in a way I'm thankful for it, because I feel like I'm growing as a person.

Any advice?

[parsifal]

LMo,

Can you give me examples of assuming how she feels and putting words in her mouth?

[LMo]

You mean examples of YOU doing it, or examples of how other people do it?

[Myzen]

Parsifal,

Just another thought. If your girlfriend has cut off contact with you for now, that is a lonely place for you to be in. I'm afraid that it's no good trying to guess what's going on with her; now is a good time to work on your own situation, and coming to this forum is a really good place to start.

Being available for another person without putting pressure on them is a hard act, there's no denying it, and it takes quite a bit of maturity. IMHO you've done the right thing sharing your concerns with us.

Good thoughts, M

[parsifal]

LMo,

Oh, anyone; generic examples.

[LMo]

Ok - good - I hope it was clear that I wasn't trying to imply that you are DOING it. You haven't said enough for me to interpret your situation that way.

Generic examples (of how it's happened to me) are:
"I can tell... (insert assumption here. example: "...that you're pushing me away", "...that you're lying", etc)"
"Why don't you just go ahead and break up with me, since it's obvious that's what you're trying to do"
"that's not how you REALLY feel"
"you don't give a cr@p about me anyway"

etc.

I realize it's a matter of euphamisms, and maybe this is just my personal sore spot, but nothing pushes me away faster than someone telling ME how I feel, or people who lay a guilt trip on me for not feeling more than I do. My dad does this constantly, out of insecurity. It drives me batty. I also had two ex-boyfriends that got very negative when I asked for space, and the negativity made me even more sure that I was doing the right thing by distancing myself from them.

To turn it around and suggest what TO do instead of what NOT to do:

- say "it seems like you feel" instead of "you feel"
- only suggest an interpretation or assumption once. If the person denies it, then don't push. You can make up your mind that they are lying, or choose to believe them, but either way, the conversation won't get any better if you accuse them of lying
- be honest and open about your efforts to change, if you intend to do so
- communicate trust, or at least, desire to trust
- do not push

Myzen is right, though, that if your girlfriend has really cut off contact, that pushing the issue is a very bad idea.
Always, if one person pulls, then the other person pushing just makes it worse. If you love somebody, set them free, blah blah blah...

[Lexicon78]

I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to you. I'm also "intense and preoccupied" in my relationships. Try to look at the facts, not what you THINK are the facts. Don't think about your assumptions about them, this will only make things worse. Examine the facts and ways that you can possibly change how you are feeling.