Sessions are getting too intense and I am not sure I can keep going on...

In the middle of working through my past.
At the stage where I have to tell what happened.
Couldn't really say anything last night because thoughts of being threatened kept flooding my mind.
I started to feel sick to my stomach. I started to have difficulty in breathing.
I felt so lost. I felt like my abuser knew what was going on and would be waiting for me.
I do want to heal. That is not a question.
But, in the midst of telling my story all I want to do is die.
I don't want to go back and revisit it anymore then the freaking flashbacks make me.
Little things can stir up major memories. Trying to actually converse about the things that were done seems impossible.
I slept like crap last night. I feel like lead this morning.
And right now there is only one way I think this can all go away.
I knew I was messed up in the head...but never thought I was messed up beyond total repair. Now I am seeing how damaged and rotten my soul is.
I am dirty. I am to blame.
I cannot go on like this.

((((((((((((((((((((((((sj0401))))))))))))))))))))

Your not dirty and you're not to blame. Working through this stuff can be really painful, but hang in there. We're all pulling for you.

(((((((((((((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))))))))))

I have faith in you to get through this.
You are NOT to blame or dirty or rotten but I know it feels that way

Love,
bsb

I'm sorry things are so tough for you sj...

You are standing in the hellish flames of healing.

Scream all you need too, it's excruciating.

Try to hang on to this truth; the fierce intensity and burning pain of these memories and emotions won't last forever.

The flames will subside.

Until then, keep talking to us.

Petunia

You need to let your therapist know what you are experiencing. When you get ready to talk about your experiences if it feels that overwhelming, maybe there is something that the therapist can do. I myself am a survivor of childhood incest and adult rape AND I am a sexual assault therapist. I am quite aware of what my clients are going through when they are sharing their stories for the first time. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt (literally). Sometimes doing a "grounding exercise" to get you back in the moment helps. Sometimes writing it out and "reading" it helps because it seems less like YOU are saying it. But in the end I have to say that sharing your story is beneficial. There comes a point where it doesn't cause anxiety attacks anymore, or feel like your tongue is going to swell up so big that you wont be able to ever speak again. It takes time. It took me a long time before I told anyone my whole story, but now I do presentations in front of groups of 200 people and can share my story without freaking out *beyond the stage fright thing that is*. It does get easier I promise.

Thanks for all your sharings.
My T is doing all the things you mentioned lothose. She has me breathing deeply at times and finding a safe place in my mind when I just cannot talk anymore.
I do really appreciate all the feedback.
This has been a journey through HELL!

At some point, please believe it, it gets easier to say the words out loud and stay in the same space with them. I wish for you to feel safe and nurtured so you can continue to grow past this nightmare. It can be done.

Already beginning to get sick to my stomach just thinking of the weekend ending and my t appt approaching Tues.
I don't think I can go through with it. I don't think I can tell my story. I don't think I can relive any more pain.
This is such pure Hell!