[jlock4507]

My husband and I have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. Between him joining the Army and getting deployed, and his drinking, things have not been the best. He recently started a new job, and I am proud of him for it, but the shift that he is working is killing our relationship. He's the type of guy that prefers to be awake at night, and it's hard because the kids and I barely every see him. It's very stressful. He wakes up at 2pm, gets ready for work, then leaves for work. He gets home at midnight when the kids and I are asleep, then he stays up all hours of the night, to sleep till it's time to go to work again. The weekends are no better. The kids and I wake up around 7, and he usually sleeps until 5 pm. It's sooo sooo frustrating. Then when I talk to him about it, he gets cranky and says that he can't wind down after work, so that's why he stays up. I, personally believe that if he didn't sleep until 2 in the afternoon, he wouldn't we so wide awake after work. It's not fair to our children. They are both already complete mamas babies because of him being away during his years in the Army. He always said he wanted to make up for the lost time while he was away, but he is not doing that. He chooses sleep or video games over family time....I'm not sure what to do anymore, it's really taking a toll on me, and it's hard that the kids only want me. If he tries to hold our 9 month old son, he just sceams. That is my husband's own fault, he's not very hands on...ugh.....

[Visioneer]

Complaining that he can't wind down after work is a bit of a cop-out, when it comes to taking care of the kids. He's a dad, so there's a lot of responsibility and time investment that comes with the territory. Only knowing the tiny bit you've said about your relationship, I would say that his shift, if he does have the choice to change it, is a good way for him to hide from life in the home. His drinking is could be a way of hiding from everything. Has he ever had personal counseling? Did he drink before he was deployed? Could any of his recent behaviour be due to stress from his work in the military? Or was this behaviour and attitude apparent when you met?

We don't always have a choice what shift we work, though, and jobs are hard to come by in most parts. I had to take a pay cut to switch shifts after waiting several years, and finally getting sick of waiting. Not everyone can afford to make the choice that I did. Shift work is very hard on people mentally and physically, and it makes living like a day-time person almost impossible. My dad has worked nights for 11 years and he stays up in the morning and sleeps in the afternoon to be at work by 10pm. When I worked afternoons, I stayed up all night as well, for the same reason - couldn't wind down that fast after working - and got up just before work. It's not an ideal situation, and I understand that it's difficult for him, but there are priorities that he's maybe not paying attention to right now.

Is there anyone else that can take some of the pressure off of you in taking care of the kids? It's not healthy to be doing everything yourself, for the sake of you or the kids. You can't do everything, and it's human to be overwhelmed by that. Is there any family or friends who can take a day or an afternoon here and there to give you a break?

[jlock4507]

To answer some of your questions. He has kind of always been a night owl, but he has always told me he would work on that, he has, but it only lasts about a week, then he back to being up all night. he didn't really drink before the army. He didn't see war, but I think the deployment with all his single buddies around had him used to doing what he wanted when he wanted, and all there was to do there, was drink with friends. It's not that he drinks that often, but when he does, he has to get drink. he's more of a binge drinker. i know when he's had one too many because he gets very moody and lashes out at me emotionally. It's hard.
to answer the question about whether or not there is anyone to help with the kids, the answer is no. we only have one car, and our family lives 2 hours away, so it's just meand the kiddos mosrt days. I'm starting to feel like i don't have a husband, it feels more like he's a visitor in our home, that's how little i see him.

[Visioneer]

Check out the internet to see if there are any local playgroups or support groups you could be involved with with the kids. Sometimes it helps to know that you are not the only parent who feels overwhelmed by pretty much parenting alone, even in a relationship or marriage. There might be something in your community that can help take the pressure off, give you an outlet, and maybe you and other people can talk about coping strategies for your situation.

Have you been in the parenting forum at all?
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=52
You might find something here that could be helpful, if you haven't already been there.

I don't really know know what to say about your husband. I hope that his drinking doesn't become more serious. It could be true that he got into the habit with his army buddies, and maybe he's even trying to hold onto that lifestyle a bit. I don't know a lot about your relationship dynamic, so I don't know how comfortable you are having frank discussions about how you are feeling right now. He doesn't seem that willing to work on things on a permanent basis. I guess you have to decide what you're willing and not willing to put up with, and make your feelings and intentions really clear. It's kind of up to him whether or not he puts an effort into improving things. I'm really sorry about your situation. You need his support, but he seems to be a bit self absorbed right now. I hope he smartens up.

[AAAAA]

First off may I say thank you to your husband, yourself and your children for the sacrifices you have made to ensure my freedoms and comfort. Truly.

I have also been a nightowl my whole life, and I do not believe it is a cop out that you need to unwind after work. You do not come home from a day shift job and jump right into bed. That being said there has to be some compromises made. Shift work is hard. It’s hard on the body and you do need more sleep. I am lucky, my husband and kids are also night owls. On summer vacations we are all up until 5 am and sleep until 2 pm.

That being said, many people do not realize that when you are raising children you need a break too. They think you can just plop the kid in front of the TV and you can take your bubble bath eating bon bons reading People Magazine. They do not realize the emotional toll it takes on you to be the sole care giver 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

It sounds very much like he’s avoiding you all. It also sounds like you need a few honest conversations. The next time he’s off have a friend look after the kids so you can sit down and talk. Not attack, but talk. I think you have to do some thinking first. What do you think would be fair and reasonable? Get to the core of the problem? It sounds like you are most concerned that your husband is not bonding with you or his children. Would you really care if he spent all night playing video games to wake up and take the kids to the park?

Ask him flat out if he realizes that he’s avoiding you. Ask him what HE thinks would be fair and reasonable regarding family time. He gets x amount of hours a week just him and his video games, you should get some down time too. It’s not tit for tat.

I admit that I hesitate to judge your husband too harshly. He’s seen things that no one should see. I have seen those scars in my own loved ones. In our case we just took the bits offered and were grateful for them. However I do know that I would not tolerate that in a husband. When I had children it was with the understanding that I had a parenting partner. Not to mention it is sad that he is missing this precious time he will never get back.

I do not know what part of WI you are in, but there should be some VA programs out there to help him deal with readjusting. It is a good idea for him to sign up now anyway, some parts of the state have huge waiting lists. I keep nagging my husband to do it now before he needs it, but I digress. I truly hope that you can come to a solution that will work for you all.