[want2shine]

This is in addition to another post. My mother is visiting me at the moment, and I have noticed that (while I am truly happy to see her & have her with me) after a few days I become super quiet and unemotional and deadpan. I have become a little flat, and I'd like to post to see how I end up like this & perhaps there's something I can do to stop arriving at flatness & maintain vitality (around her & beyond). This is a common way of feeling when in my family of origin. Everyone seems to be much louder, fussing about & chatty, while I stay in the background mute; an observer.

Some of the feelings that lead to this are:
- frustration (a combination of many frustrations in relation to relating with her; one of this is that she is more deaf, but also I feel growing up with her she was already 'deaf' to me even before the physical deafness; the other is her over-fussing. So it's a kind of no-win situation... fluctuating between over-fussing yet not really 'hearing' or getting me.)
- disappointment (at lack of control I guess.. disappointment that she, or others, doesn't understand me or come to my level. I guess perhaps I expect her to be a mindreader.. or perhaps I have given up expressing myself to be understood?

Does anyone have similar experiences of feeling flat emotionally? Withdrawn in relationship? Does this sound to you like a control thing? Am I simply controlling? I know that she finds it disturbing when I am unresponsive; my mother in law finds it worrying too when I get quiet - she worries I'm not happy.

I do take my time to adjust to people, and I can run away from group situations. But I don't find anything so super wrong with this. But just want to be able to stop myself retracting internally (loss of vitality) & would like to understand what goes on perhaps between the feeling of stress and the instinct to clam up & just go through the external motions.

[Leed]

Hi ~ You say your family is much LOUDER when they get together. Perhaps the "noise" is a trigger for stress -- and you're pulling back because that's the only way you know how to cope. When things get too "chatty" and voices become louder, I tend to withdraw too -- I cannot stand loud voices!!! I know that comes from when my Mom & Dad would fight -- they had some real doozies!!! So now whenever things get too loud, I escape. It's just my coping mechanism.

Also, talking to someone who is deaf is very difficult. Won't she wear a hearing aid? Trying to carry on a conversation with a deaf person can be frustrating because they don't have a clue what you said unless you YELL at them -- and no one wants to do that. Encourage her to have her hearing checked and perhaps get a hearing aid. You've probably already done this, but keep it up! Maybe she'll give in. LOL

I don't think you're trying to be controlling. I just think that's how you cope. Perhaps talking with a therapist will help. It surely can't hurt. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

I think we retreat rather than deal with what comes up as it comes up. To be engaged, we have to stay engaged; if your mother is too loud (does she "know" it?) you have to remind her and figure out how to share that with her, maybe in a little humor so the two of you can let the other know when they can't hear/are too loud for comfort? When my parents got in their 70's the had a "signal" for when my father was telling the same joke too often to the same people :-) My mother would flash the hand signal and my father would know he had told that story to that person already.

I think helping the others we love can give us the best resolution possibilities for our own issues. Interacting with others is the only way we can learn their stories and what they like/dislike and how they feel. It is interesting you supposed your mother didn't "hear" you when you were growing up but why is that so? Only your mother can tell you what it was like for her, what her issues were at the time that may have helped her choose to be as she was; just like you "withdraw" now, she may have too, in her own way, because of her deafness and the enormous difficulties and expectations she might have had for herself, raising a hearing child?

So, when you catch yourself withdrawing, decide that is the time to try and connect! Ask your mother for a story about her trials and tribulations as she raised you; getting to know another's problems can make us feel closer to them and show us ways they are actually like us.

If another is too chatty, see if you can find someone not as chatty and go for a walk or do an activity with the chatty person that is difficult to chat during? Being "with" another is relating, they can't accuse you of withdrawing if you are physically present and participating? Create your own quiet spaces; do the dishes together with a chatter and let their words just roll over you, thinking your own thoughts and just giving them an "uh huh" every now and then or asking another question that will get them going? Noise (like in a public space) can provide intimacy as well as hurt us.

Try to notice when small things happen that are uncomfortable for you. It sounds like you have lots going on for several days and only gradually to they "gunk up" your interactions. See if you can express yourself, set and protect boundaries as things are happening. Don't just say "I'm fine" if you are not, try to stay "honest" and clue others in to what is happening with you as it is happening. Just make sure it is not open to "debate", what you are feeling. Keep to what you are feeling and away from "you are making me feel. . ." statements. "I am feeling stressed from the volume of conversation, does anyone want to go for a walk with me?" is better than, "Hey, Mom, you're talking too much and are too loud!" :-)

[want2shine]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ You say your family is much LOUDER when they get together. Perhaps the "noise" is a trigger for stress -- and you're pulling back because that's the only way you know how to cope. When things get too "chatty" and voices become louder, I tend to withdraw too -- I cannot stand loud voices!!! I know that comes from when my Mom & Dad would fight -- they had some real doozies!!! So now whenever things get too loud, I escape. It's just my coping mechanism.

Also, talking to someone who is deaf is very difficult. Won't she wear a hearing aid? Trying to carry on a conversation with a deaf person can be frustrating because they don't have a clue what you said unless you YELL at them -- and no one wants to do that. Encourage her to have her hearing checked and perhaps get a hearing aid. You've probably already done this, but keep it up! Maybe she'll give in. LOL

I don't think you're trying to be controlling. I just think that's how you cope. Perhaps talking with a therapist will help. It surely can't hurt. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thank you so much Lee. I really appreciate hearing your views. Funny that you mention chatty because as we were coming back home, I thought to myself the same thing: perhaps I'm just not good around chatty? All that conversation & all those words...! I wondered if words at times just seem superfluous to me. I actually like chatty people because they fill up the silence sometimes, but I wonder how the hell they do it? What do they find to talk about for so long?? It's admirable! hehe

But no, something is triggering how I react & of course it's not ever simple. I have had psychotherapy in the past, which I've found helpful, but here in a foreign land I haven't quite got the resources to do this & in general I do feel more stable than I did when I was attending twice weekly. Still, opening this conversation & feeling open to talk about it here in PC I'm sure can only but help. I feel ashamed & selfish about how I feel/am, but know accepting & understanding it is the only way to move forward.

Thank you

[want2shine]

[quote=Perna;2018297]

Thank you so much Perna, for your thoughts & sound advice. I completely understand & resonate with what you mean about 'staying engaged to stay engaged' & being 'honest'. I know that's what I find difficult because I think I'm being best if I am patient with the other person & put my own feelings second. But really those feelings of irritation don't go away & in the end I end up feeling internally quite aggressive & sullen & go off on my own to deal with these feelings until they subside. Perhaps I am afraid of confrontation too? Or perhaps I just am not able to handle expressing seemingly 'negative' or feelings/thoughts that oppose the other's? (hmm...might be onto something here). But I get the idea that humour could be a way around this, a way to express how I feel while at the same time acknowledgeing the other person's feelings... like a way to laugh at our differences (without judgement!). (hmm... perhaps I'm afraid of her reaction). I also appreciate your suggestion that when I feel myself withdrawing, to decide that it's the best time to connect. May give that a try next time... could be a way to bypass the instinct?

I like that your parents had their own little signal. I guess that could work too.. she could let me know when she is not hearing me well instead of pretending and I could let her know when i have something important I want to say.

With regard to helping others, yes that's true. As I say in my reply to Lee I do feel ashamed/selfish for feeling this way and for being this way.. that's why I want to do something about it. I know there is a sense of selfishness to it because the feeling is all-consuming & ego centric. Today however (remembering advice from my 1st post), in the company of a cousin I met for the first time I noticed myself starting to feel anxious & insecure. I took a deep breath & made myself direct my thoughts to her & how she is, and it helped. I can try this with mum. It must be frustrating for her I'm sure & I know she only wants the best for me, even if we don't have much in common. She's the kind of person that if you're thirsty she would stick a straw in her neck for you to drink from! And she has had a very hard life, I know that. She has done incredibly well to survive and be where she is today, and for my sister & I to be where we are today too because of her.

Thank you -- all good food for thought.

[Koko2]

Originally Posted by want2shine

Does anyone have similar experiences of feeling flat emotionally? Withdrawn in relationship? Does this sound to you like a control thing? Am I simply controlling? I know that she finds it disturbing when I am unresponsive; my mother in law finds it worrying too when I get quiet - she worries I'm not happy.

I do take my time to adjust to people, and I can run away from group situations. But I don't find anything so super wrong with this. But just want to be able to stop myself retracting internally (loss of vitality) & would like to understand what goes on perhaps between the feeling of stress and the instinct to clam up & just go through the external motions.

I'm the same way around family, and don't bother talking with my mother because she's selectively deaf and refuses a hearing aid, plus she takes everything I say seriously and literally. I've always been the "quiet one" around family, and was only talkative at school while growing up. I consider days spent with family as essentially wasted days.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by want2shine

Does anyone have similar experiences of feeling flat emotionally? Withdrawn in relationship? Does this sound to you like a control thing? Am I simply controlling? I know that she finds it disturbing when I am unresponsive; my mother in law finds it worrying too when I get quiet - she worries I'm not happy.

I do take my time to adjust to people, and I can run away from group situations. But I don't find anything so super wrong with this. But just want to be able to stop myself retracting internally (loss of vitality) & would like to understand what goes on perhaps between the feeling of stress and the instinct to clam up & just go through the external motions.

I can definitely relate to the feelings that you're struggling with, want2shine.

I have felt emotionally withdrawn, misunderstood, alone, and angry with my family for several years. There are extenuating circumstances, which complicate the issues. Of course! But, yeah, I've tried hard to understand my behavior.

For me, I needed to take space from my family. They have a tendency to make remarks about my disturbing memories from childhood, words that don't offer sympathy or regret. Instead, in their opinion, my "memories are all mixed up". I've been struggling with these memories ~ trying to repress and then dealing with flashbacks ~ for as long as I can recall! As a result, I cannot believe them when they say that they love me, that I'm beautiful or smart, whatever. To me, all of their words are lies. That's the core root of the tension I hold towards my family.

Point is, are there underlying hurts between you and your mom (and other family)? Things that they never really acknowledged or perhaps denied the event/s entirely?

Gentle hugs sent your way...