[spaceid]

I am currently in an undefined relationship with someone who I really like. However, he doesn't want a girlfriend and I'm not sure what to do about that. This is a new situation for me to be in so I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this and what to do.

It sounds like a simple situation, if I want a relationship, but he doesn't then I should just break away from him. However, my experience in relationships is very limited. I am 28 years old and this is the first relationship I have ever been in besides one when I was 15. When I was a teenager that relationship lasted 3 months and we never even kissed. We were just shy high schoolers. The one I am in now is very different. We are intimate with each other, see each other everyday, and have even gone on vacation together. However, I know that he is not my boyfriend and sometimes this is very hard for me to deal with.

My question though is about how I feel like this is my only chance to be in a relationship. Intellectually I know it sounds silly to say that this is my only chance at having a relationship, but for some reason I feel very strongly that when this is over that I will never meet anyone else. Maybe I have low self-esteem? Maybe I am just picky? I very rarely meet a guy that I am interested in who is also interested in me. The number of guys who have shown interest in me I can count on two hands. The number of guys I have been interested in I can count on one. This guy I am with now I have such strong feelings for. I have never felt like this. But I am not going to fool myself into thinking that he will be my boyfriend one day. I don't know what will happen in the future. He is already making plans for us to go on a trip a year from today to take me to my favorite restaurant, which just confuses me more. Recently we just came back from a trip to a city he used to live in. He showed me around to all the places he used to live, his favorite restaurants, and even his favorite parks that he would run in. I'm the only girl he has ever done this for. Even though these types of things sound like he wants to have a future with me I am not placing any type of bets on that happening.

I got a little off topic, but my main point is that I feel like I will never have this again with anyone. I don't know why I feel this way. I feel very lucky to have met him even though he is not perfect. I am a loner and like to spend most of my time by myself, but I can spend every second of the day with him and it doesn't bother me. I have never felt that way about anyone. Has anyone felt like this before? My mind tells me that this will pass and I may meet someone else who will want to be my boyfriend, but I cannot feel it in my heart.

[palemoss]

you should play it cool. just try to keep the relationship alive no matter what. boyfriend/girlfriend, friend/friend...whatever just be nice and keep it alive. so long as you are keeping your emotions in check and are nice, boosting his ego - he'll seem like an asshole for doing anything mean.

on a side note - you do seem like you have low self esteem and suffer from very rigid thinking. i do not think this will be the last relationship for you - open up, put energy into your social life, give others a chance....

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by spaceid

he doesn't want a girlfriend

Why not?

It is possible he has specific concerns about what might be involved in getting involved with anyone - and he may not need to have these concerns with you.

[with or without you]

Maybe he just doesn't like the words "girlfriend/boyfriend"?

[popeye]

Take it one day at a time....tell him how you feel. It sounds to me that he is very interested in you.....so he should know what you feel.

[AAAAA]

On one hand I say if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck its a duck even if you call it a frog. As long as you continue to be happy in this relationship and it works for you then enjoy! If you find yourself compromising who you are and your happiness then I would walk away. Is the relationship honest and open? Are you able to communicate with him about your feelings and desires?

[StrongerMan]

I know exactly how you feel. Fostering relationships doesn't come easy to me (I am an introvert) and even a toxic one was difficult for me to let go of. And it sometimes bothers me to this day that this person was unable to give me what I needed. But I was never more alone than when I was with her.

If this is a "friends with benefits" situation and you are not happy, then you have to do what is best for you. And that may mean telling him that you can be just platonic friends or bf/gf but not in limbo as you are now. You must be true to yourself. There is nothing selfish about that. That said, you should communicate to him in no uncertain terms that you need things to move to the next level. That it is a must for you. There is risk involved but the things most worth doing are often the hardest, as they say.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by StrongerMan

I know exactly how you feel. Fostering relationships doesn't come easy to me (I am an introvert) and even a toxic one was difficult for me to let go of. And it sometimes bothers me to this day that this person was unable to give me what I needed. But I was never more alone than when I was with her.

If this is a "friends with benefits" situation and you are not happy, then you have to do what is best for you. And that may mean telling him that you can be just platonic friends or bf/gf but not in limbo as you are now. You must be true to yourself. There is nothing selfish about that. That said, you should communicate to him in no uncertain terms that you need things to move to the next level. That it is a must for you. There is risk involved but the things most worth doing are often the hardest, as they say.

I know for a fact that if I said we can either be bf/gf or just friends then he would say just friends. He doesn't want a girlfriend for various reasons, but I don't see how we are much different from being bf/gf already. I don't understand what the problem is about being in a defined relationship.

I also know that I cannot be platonic friends with him even though he has become one of my best friends. Everytime I would see him it would just be a reminder of rejection. So I don't want to pressure him because I don't want to lose him completely. I feel like I am miserable no matter what situation I am in. So if I'm miserable without him, I might as well keep how things are going now because at least this way I am not miserable all the time. I enjoy his company and we have fun together. But I just feel like if he doesn't want a gf then why bother spending time with me? I guess I feel like I am in a lose lose situation and I'm just picking the side that isn't as bad. Maybe this situation is best for me because I have a lot going on in my life too. Maybe I don't have time for a bf either. I just hate being so inexperienced and always feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.

[Jenn1fer82]

Hi space,

I can understand the feeling of loneliness and believing that "is this the best I can get?" Space, you have to give yourself that chance to be happy and no one, NO ONE should ever settle for less. He is very honest with you and you will not change his mind. No matter how good you are to him, he's already told you that he doesn't want a committed relationship. You're slowing giving your time and precious part of yourself to a relationship that will end in disappointment. Find someone who will appreciate you and is also looking for a committed relationship.

You will find that someone who will fit your dreams so don't waste your time with this guy bc every moment you're with this guy who doesn't want the same things as you, you can be missing out on a opportunity to meet the right guy who will make you happy. You're precious, your time is valuable so don't give that to just anyone. You say this is your last chance to have a relationship but hun, he's already told you he doesn't want a relationship so what's there to miss out on. You guys are just playing house and he's stringing you along so why play by his rules. You're important space, value you that bc this guy isn't there to stay. I know you enjoy the time and moments you spend with his guy and its a new experience so its exciting but at the end Happiness is the true excitement: not trips, restaurants, or cuddling.

If you don't see that for yourself to be loved, respected and that you deserve to have that chance to be happy then this guy won't see it either. Don't play house with this guy. I wish the best for you. You deserve the real thing.

[IceCreamKid]

You have your whole life ahead of you. How do you know you are the only woman this man has shown his childhood haunts to? Did he tell you that in addition to telling you he didn't want you to be his girlfriend? Yet you are having sex with this man? You call yourself a loner. I say this with respect: decide in your own mind what you want and then accept no less. If you want a loving, exclusive relationship with someone who will identify as boyfriend don 't accept anything less. There are many men (and women, don't want to be sexist) who will not only take and take and take from others, but some who will deliberately maneuver others into giving them what they want (sex, money, attention) with no intention of forming a loving bond. If you want a loving bond, accept nothing less.