[rudereds]

Let me apologise in advance for the length of this message:


I was in a 10 yr relationship with the father of my child until last yr in May when he left me for a girl he met via bbm (they had known each other for 3 wks before he decided she was the love of his life). I took it really hard. I did all the wrong things. I begged him to change his mind and when I realised that wasn't working I got into a relationship with somebody else in July even though I knew I hadn't gotten over him (that ended in September). He was pretty mean to me during all this time (he'd curse me and tell me the most hurtful things). I'll admit that I was stupid enough to believe him when he spoke to me nicely to get something he wanted and so he was able to use me to an extent. In December the girl left him. In January of this yr I met somebody else and was contemplating a new relationship. However, 3 wks after meeting this person, my ex asked me 2 try working things out. I told him I was seeing somebody else but he asked 4 a next chance and I agreed. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. He wanted to get rid of the baby but I told him I wasn't doing that so he eventually said he'll support us and we'll work things out.
I'm now 8 months pregnant. He doesn't support me at all. He keeps saying he has no money but every week he goes out with the boys so I've been spending all the money for ultrasounds and doctor's visits. He curses me, humiliates me, calls me the worst names and when I tell him about it, he says it's my fault because I'm such a nag. If I call him and he's busy or eating, he'll scream or curse at me and hang up. If I call him and he thinks I'm talking too long, he'll hang up on me. When I call back and tell him I was still talking, he'll say I'm nagging him. If our son and I go by his house (he lives houses away from me), he'll ignore me completely and talk to our son. If I'm speaking, he'll cut me off midsentence and start talking to our son. If he's leaving to go to work, he'll tell my son 'bye' and ignore me. If he passes us in the road, he'll talk to our son and ignore me. He doesn't care who's around when he's screaming and cursing at me. He even told me in front of our son that he wishes I'd just kill myself and make everybody else happy. If I tell him the baby is kicking he'll just say 'ok' and continue doing what he's doing. He even told me when he got angry he has no proof the baby is his. When I try talking to him, he says that he'll never get back in a relationship with me. If I ask him if he has somebody else, he says that's not my business cuz we're not together. He lies about where he is all the time. I'll see his clothes and know he went out the night before and he'll deny it. He went red bull flugtag in July and when I called him, he told me he wasn't there even though I was hearing the announcer and other people in the background. The list of what horrible things he does goes on and on. We had our problems but two years b4 he left last yr, he had settled down and was basically a great bf and dad (this happened after I left him 4 a while). I know I should leave but it's like I don't have the strength.
Yesterday a 19 yo girl who I suspected he was seeing 4 a while now called me apologizing because she had just found out from her father about me and my pregnancy. When she found out and confronted him about it, he even claimed he’s not sure the child is his own. When I asked him about it, he told me stop minding his business. He keeps saying he hates me. He has recently started saying he wants to get a DNA test to make sure the baby is his even though he knew I wasn’t doing anything with anyone else.
Now I don’t know what he has told her but after saying she was done with him for good, I saw msgs between them on twitter and she has been saying some really bad things about me on both twitter and fb.
I’m so tired of this. I’m so fed up of crying and his total disrespect towards me. What do I do?

[PBJandPICKLES]

Warning: about to judge the man you claim to love AND I feel like a hypocrite.

Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap!!!!!! Can we swear on here? ... this man (and I use the term man as loosely as is possible)... is the poster child of a LOSER. I hate him for you. You do not need to defend him as I know what you are going through. I am going through it too - right now. I even have the same problem of extremely close proximity.

It's hard... to figure out what is making us feel we are weak or deserve such s hit . We do NOT deserve this horrible, less than sub-human treatment.

Think about how you feel when he cuts you off & hangs up on you - by doing that he is saying that you mean so little to him that you are not even worth listening to... That the hamburger he is stuffing into his ugly mug at the time is worth more to him than you are. Does he kick the dog too as he walks by I wonder? He is feeding off upsetting you. You are getting nothing out of this except pain and wasting your time. Your one life that you get to live and be happy - wasting it on this soul sucker.

He does not deserve to be called a man. He is a mean, angry, hateful individual that learned to use other people for his own whims and amusement. Before I came to this site I did not know what a Narcissist was. I think you'd better look it up. It will bring you GREAT comfort! This is not your fault and there is NOTHING you can do to make him better.

We forgive people when an illness causes bad behavior but when the behavior becomes a constant, accepted norm, without any attempt at reform or regret, then what is there to forgive? Save yourself and your children. Your son will treat women the way this guy is treating you if you do not teach him it is wrong.

All the drama he is manufacturing in your life, controlling you, making you cry, disrespecting you, outright hating you... think about it THINK about it, what is there to love? Just turn your back to it and walk away. Think about how exciting it is to have a new life to look forward to. The opportunity to find a real man that will love you truly. To have fun and laugh and make love and play and SMILE again!

I believe that you believe you love him. I understand that so much it hurts and I hate to admit it.... but here's the eye opener... do they love us??????? No. They love to abuse us - it's what gets them off - constant conflict makes 'em hard. Let's choose to take our lives back. It's frickin' scary as hell I know.

Run and don't look back and we'll all be here to hold your hand when you're feeling like you're gonna break. Let's save each other.

[PBJandPICKLES]

P.S. the length of your message is fine. You needed to get it all out and tell us what is hurting you.

I have a hard time reading condensed text though and was wondering if you would you do me a favor next time and break it up with paragraphs? Hope that's o.k. to ask.

The Enter key twice will put a space in between paragraphs for you. Thanks in advance. I really look forward to hearing from you.

[IceCreamKid]

What do you love about a man who spits hateful, frightening comments about hoping you die in front of the son you two share? Your son deserves better than to witness those sort of scenes. Your crawling back to this man over and over taking his abuse is teaching your son that's the way to treat a) his mother and b) any woman.Where is real love in any of that?

[PBJandPICKLES]

also... since he is not providing any actual support, do you have the means to move? Family, friends, anything?????

[fallingiris]

I was in a relationship for way too many years with a "man" who was abusive, compulsive liar, demeaning, etc., etc. I am a "caretaker" and it took me a long time to realize the lies were really lies and to not be intimidated by him.....this helped me leave. Unfortunately, the harm had already been done to my children by being around a person like this. He intimidated and scared them. Something I will never forgive myself my children (who are adults now) went through.

You have the strength within you, trust me you do. Walk away now. It's easier than you think. He is teaching your son to disrespect women and to follow in his footsteps.

All my best,
Iris

[vanessaG]

Wow. I mean honestly you can make excuses for him and his behavior all you want but the reality is this guy has no respect, morals or from the sounds of it anything good. I think u and your child would be better off having as little contact with him as possible!! Besides the way he is speaking to u, which is horrible, what about your child??? U can preach later on how he should treat women ans people all you want...but how he grows up and what he lives ansd sees- those are the things that ate gonna stay with him. Children ARE sponges. They not only pick up on all the negativity and abuse, but can feel the tension and later on will act out in different ways. I would keep as much distance as you absolutley can from him and concentrate a peaceful life with you and your son.

[turquoisesea]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As to how not to love someone, or something for that matter, anymore I am hopeless. We don't control our feelings only our reactions to our feelings. Sometimes we have to make judgement calls - even if you love someone very much, if they are making you suffer, if they are causing your health to suffer, if the relationship with that person is unhealthy you HAVE TO consider finding a way to cut them out of your life.

In this case, with this guy blatently emotionally harming you not to mention not supporting your children... .... and with no promise of change. I think you need to protect yourself even if it hurts it's important for you to be ok, and to be able to be there for your children. And the unborn one... if this child comes into contact with this man, and the man is harmful emotionally to the child that will be a problem too.

So I do think cutting him out of your life as much as possible (minus child costs) would be a good idea.

take care, I wish you luck and keep posting here if it helps!