Don't understand dad.

The relationship we had when I was growing up was not a good one. I believe he has NPD and that my mother is codependent. This has been brought up by several mental health professionals over the years, based on my descriptions of my father's behaviour and my parents' relationship and mine with them, and also my own relationships, which I'm just beginning to sort out in therapy.

I get very angry when I think about all the things that have happened, and for a while my dad seemed to be getting a lot better. But then he had a mild stroke a few years ago and regressed and became worse than he was before, and is now even more illogical about it. The things he does and says make no sense and there's no talking to him about it. For a while I politely refused to ride in his truck because he was lashing himself to the middle seat belt because the driver's side didn't work, and then expecting me to sit in the middle seat belt. He thinks that a solution to this is to take a needle and thread and sew old parts of the seat belt together, ie. if it looks fine it must be fine. It takes very little to set him off and make me, or anyone else who contradicts or even appears to him to be contradictory, the bad guy.

After a small breakdown this summer, I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I can feel better in my own life if I avoid the situation all together, and remind myself when I see him bullying someone that they are a grown up and can handle it in their own way. There's nothing I can do to change him, or help others deal with their choices in their relationships with him. All I can take care of is me, but that's getting trickier by the day.

The immediate problem is that he is alienating family members, and cutting off opportunities for me to see them because if he doesn't like them - and I am a an extension of him and therefore my desires or opinions do not even exist - I can't see them either, or will simply not be told that there is or was an opportunity. I have only recently realized that this has happened for my entire life, that he has always decided for me what relationships I will have with my family, and that there was a whole side of the family that I didn't get to know because he has no respect for my mother's family. He has become a perpetually sulking four year old. Anything I do is aggravating, I'm not allowed to see certain family members, or can only do so on his terms (I'm 30!).

And now my brother and I have planned a 60th birthday party for him on Saturday, and called my aunt to invite her and my uncle (his brother) and my cousin. My aunt told me that my father told my grandmother that my uncle was not welcome at the cottage this summer (it's my grandmother's cottage!), and that he is sure that my uncle doesn't want to see him any more than he wants to see my uncle. I have no idea what this is about, and neither does my aunt or anyone else. I'm shocked. She thinks it might have something to do with his behaviour at my parents' annual new year's day dinner, when my father sat sulking in front of the television in his living room while everyone else sat in the rec room and enjoyed each other's company. I didn't understand it then, and I'm even more confused now.

I'm tired of his constant drama and need to be the center of attention and everyone should do what he wants and feel what he feels and think what he thinks, and everything is everyone else's fault.

My grandmother brought a large envelope of old family photos so that I could borrow them and scan them into my computer and make copies for people. My father started to get upset about this because he had borrowed some of these pictures several years ago and apparently used photo editing software to clean them up, so I guess he's mad because I'm borrowing them now? And also, "In five hundred years, no one is going to care that any of these people existed", so it's stupid that I'm bothering to copy photos of the family I care about and whose history interests me. And as we were looking through the photos he went on this rant about one of my grandmother's sister's husbands, who apparently didn't get along with my grandfather (he was the same as my dad, go figure) and according to my dad, said something rude at my grandfather's funeral.

I'm also finding out that a lot of people in the family are avoiding my dad now, so I'm also cut out because he's my father. I missed an opportunity to get to know a wonderful lady who was his cousin, who passed away a couple of years ago. No one even told him when she died because people are sick of his crap. I'm really upset that he is doing this to the family, and I don't know how much of his behaviour I can forgive or chalk up to the stroke (we tend to do that these days, I don't know how my mother bears it), since he was always like this, just not as bad.

This is really sad to say, and sounds pretty mean, but when my grandfather died, the family had a sigh of relief, except for my father who I suppose couldn't fault him because he's exactly the same. So now my father is the squeaky wheel that's threatening to tip the whole cart, and if I say anything to disturb it and it tips, it's all because of me. My fault for not putting up with his crap like everyone else does just to keep the peace.

His birthday party is on Saturday and I know certain people will be there and certain people won't, and I feel awful about the whole thing I love my family but the time I have to spend with my father is very uncomfortable, always has been, and is now worse because as an adult I can see what's happening and get told things by other family members.

I don't know how to deal with him. I'm torn between keeping the peace by keeping my mouth shut, or telling him what I really think and risk my relationships with everyone else - I'll be a bully if I call him a bully, that's how the logic goes. There wouldn't be much of a relationship to lose with my dad, but I don't want to upset everyone else.

Hello, Believe me, I understand exactly how you feel because my mother has NPD. I remember one Christmas I had to work. Now, I'm an RN and you have to take your turn working holidays. I called my mother and her reaction was to be furious at me. No empathy or concern about what I was feeling about being stuck in a hospital xmas day. I was suddenly overcome with sadness, realizing I had never really had a mother. I felt sadness and loss thinking about how different things could have been if I had a mother capable of really loving another person.
I share this only because the situation made me realize I needed to grieve.

Also in my family the unspoken rule is that noone upset my mother. But, sometimes a person needs to set boundaries and just let other people feel what they will feel. Peoples' reactions are their choice.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time right now.

Hi Visioneer,

I can relate to your dilemma. It sounds like you understand your dad quite well. Fighting fire with fire obviously doesn't work with these people. You are an adult now and he has always been a child who will take his ball home if you don't play by his rules. So you just don't play with him. You have to find ways to work around him to get your needs met and remove yourself from his presence as much as possible. You have to shut out his crazy making behavior. Good luck with the party.

Hi ~ I agree with "strongerman" -- you don't have to play by his rules.

You're an adult -- you are able to make your OWN CHOICES about things. You don't have to put yourself in his company if you choose not to. Avoid him, and just mingle with the rest of the family. They understand your father, and they feel the same as you do. You don't have to make excuses for him, you don't have to subject yourself to his abuse -- just stay clear.

He obviously needs help, but it sounds like he's not agreeable to it -- so that's not your fault. You have your own life to live -- you don't have to be under his thumb anymore!

I wish you the best -- I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. It sounds like you're making a lot of progress. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

hi visioneer, i agree you are an adult and can see or do what you want. your dad has no right to dictate to you in any circumstance. this includes your right to see family members, etc. i get the impression you live with your dad. is there any way you can move out and live on your own? if not here is a site to reference found at bottom of article-
Coping Tips
Here are some tips on how to cope with the person in your life who processes the narcissistic style. Sometimes the best way to deal with extreme narcissistic behavior is to end the relationship. But since this solution isn’t always possible, I can only offer you some survival techniques…
It is important to set boundaries. Decide which demands you can meet or how much approval you’re willing to give to this person, and then stick to your decision. Also, terminate a self-centered conversation if you can, or at least set a time limit on how long you’ll listen.
Support yourself. If your resistance to them draws their anger or blame, refuse to be emotionally blackmailed. Remember that your time and feelings are not important in this person’s eyes. This can help remove your guilt.
Use bargaining chips. If you have something they want, such as a special expertise or solutions to problems—share it sparingly to keep their worst behavior under control. Be aware that when you no longer satisfy them, their old ways will resurface.
Avoid anger. Any confrontation should be conducted quietly and with control. But even a tactful approach may be greeted with anger or sometimes-frightening rage. Very likely, you’ll hear that the difficult situation is your problem and there’s something wrong with you. Arguing will only make you feel like you will want to blow your brains out. Be careful not to expect accommodation from the other person, but do give yourself points for standing up for your rights.
Finally, know when to leave. Dealing with this personality disorder can undermine your own sense of self. Ask yourself some questions…Do I continually feel depressed, irritable, devalued and worthless? Does my anger and resentment carry over into other relationships? Have I stopped supporting myself in general, not treating myself well or allowing others to coerce me? Bottom line: If you find yourself answering yes too frequently, you must examine the pay-off or importance of your relationship with this person.
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/a...cissistic.html

Madisgram; I haven't lived with my parents for seven years, and at the point that I left, I would have gone completely crazy if I hadn't. Even when things have looked dire and I wasn't sure where I would live, moving back in with my parents is absolutely not an option. I'll do a lot of things before I'd ever live there again.

He is, and always has been, absolutely maddening. He actually grabbed me and spanked me once when I was 18 years old for something I said, I don't even remember what it was, but I laughed... I was thinking, "are you serious?" what a ridiculous thing to do. He always used scare tactics when we were kids, and obviously, he was a big scary person when we were little. But we got so jaded by the time our early teens hit, we were no longer afraid of him... well, we were afraid, we were just tired of being afraid and resigned to it rather than fighting it. He'd make horrible grimacing faces, even make threatening moves or say he would hit us, but didn't (not me, anyway). We laughed at his tempers, and he turned us into the bad guys, and we just went "OK, I'm a bad guy," basically. We defied him to do something worse, kind of masochistic. It never stopped hurting, though. Mostly, I was trying to figure out "why" and how I could make it all better, on my own, for the entire family, when no one else tried at all, and I was exhausted. That's how I ended up in psychiatric care at 14, but there's a whole different can of worms. Once, when he was being really cruel to me and twisting my words around into something horrible and every single thing I said became something it wasn't, I banged my mug on the table and the handle broke off (I wasn't trying to break it, I was just losing my mind not being able to understand why he was doing this to me and trying to explain to him, over and over, in a way that he couldn't mutilate every idea), so he tackled me onto the floor and wouldn't let me up. There are only two people in the world who have ever made me feel completely insane and powerless, and those are my father and the man I almost married when I was 19. Thank goodness I'm not in either of those situations anymore, and hopefully never will be again.

Those are all good tips. My brother has always handled this stuff a lot better than I have. I was always hoping for my father's understanding, and hoping that he would just be honest about his feelings instead of making everything into something convoluted so we could actually communicate, and it hurt that it never happened. But my brother let it roll off. I don't know how he does it. But I'm trying to learn how to do what he does, and those tips are a good thing to add to my repertiore of defense strategies. I guess it's like mental Judo. Anger does me no service, and while I'm still upset about the way things were, it's almost like a chapter has closed and I want to do things differently now. The realization that all of these things make sense if they are looked at as a disorder somehow makes it easier for me to deal with; knowing that I am powerless means I don't have to try to fix it anymore. And I'm feeling better about that. That's been a common theme for me lately, learning to let go, and stop trying to help everyone else when I'm the one who needs to dig out for the first time in my life. Actually talk about me when I go to therapy. It's just dealing with him when I have no other choice that's the problem, because staying away from him certainly makes me feel better. I just don't know how to cope with the rude things he says, it's so hard to ignore, especially when he's saying things that he knows are bothering me, or someone else (like my mom) on purpose. I have realized that trying to explain how the things he says and does make me or other people feel will be fruitless, and only lead to more pain.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I appreciate it. And thanks for wishing me luck on Saturday I'm not going to put myself in this position again if I can help it at all.