[bswc]

My husband (same sex) have been on a rocky road lately. We both come from abusive childhoods. He has a violent temper and has struck me on a few occasions and is always sorry after. He has started using fat burners and gym supplements which have high doses of caffeine and other things in it. There are times when he can be very loving and i think this is all i ever wanted and needed in this lifetime. But i worry about this. He can be verbally abusive in the meanest way, I am 40 and he is 30. He called me "old" and a "nothing". Said he can do better than me...and then cried like a baby. Is my marriage doomed? I am old fashioned and 100% committed to being with him forever...but yet i am terrified. Somebody please give me advise

[unaluna]

First of all, is this a legal marriage where you would have to get divorced, and if so, is there no-fault divorce available in your state (i think new york still requires fault).

The first time my relationships turned violent (2 straight marriages and a girlfriend), I was done, I was out of there. My mom and dad used to have "wrestling matches" where my mom would make my dad say uncle, but dad was clearly digging it (and yes, that's a whole nuther story). You may be from an abusive background but you don't have to live that legacy, and you sound like you can see the way to a saner, happier life for yourself, away from all this drama. There are TONS of great guys out there, just ask any single woman, she'll tell you they are all gay! Best of luck.

[Leed]

I'm sorry but if you stay in this relationship, you'll just be continuing the abuse that you grew up with. Once someone hits you, it seems to give them permission to hit you again -- and HE WILL. This verbal and physical abuse is going to continue -- and it will probably get worse unless he gets help for this. Abusers don't just STOP on their own -- they need therapy to figure out why they abuse.

It's great that you're committed to this relationship, but you COULD be signing your death sentence. Am I being dramatic? I don't think so. Abusers are dangerous people -- and if you stay in this relationship, you ARE going to get hurt. His "apologies" don't mean a thing, because he HAS to abuse in order to feel better about himself.

Get out now. Don't wait for it to happen again. I wish you the very best. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by bswc

My husband (same sex) have been on a rocky road lately. We both come from abusive childhoods. He has a violent temper and has struck me on a few occasions and is always sorry after. He has started using fat burners and gym supplements which have high doses of caffeine and other things in it. There are times when he can be very loving and i think this is all i ever wanted and needed in this lifetime. But i worry about this. He can be verbally abusive in the meanest way, I am 40 and he is 30. He called me "old" and a "nothing". Said he can do better than me...and then cried like a baby. Is my marriage doomed? I am old fashioned and 100% committed to being with him forever...but yet i am terrified. Somebody please give me advise

I think you posted in the new members forum some other information about your situation. If I am not remembering correctly, please forgive me. What I think, from what I think I remember and what you have posted here, is that you are a giving person with a soft heart but that you choose men who are tougher stuff and not always so nice. I think it is fine to be old fashioned and to believe in marriage as a forever thing. But that doesn't mean your spouse will think that way or even be invested in making your marriage a happy, life-long relationship, and no matter how much you want that with him, he has to want it also to make it happen. Hitting people and abusing them verbally is wrong, and you should not put up with that, and his abusive childhood is no excuse, although if he's on steroids, I wouldn't be surprised if those contribute to his volatile moods. Marriage counseling might be the best option for the both of you and I would further suggest that you get your own separate counseling to come to grips with your upbringing and how the choices you make today can be improved so that you can come closer to the ideal life you envision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being 40, particularly since it is a biological fact; as an outsider to your relationship, I'd point out to you that you chose someone who is 10 years younger than yourself, and your husband may intuit that you feel a sort of weakness about being older and he picks that as a weapon to use against you. Someone would pick on my age and I would laugh and say, "So, you didn't notice this before?!?!?" The way I see it, even though we may love people, they don't necessarily love us back or in the same way or with the same depth and breadth, or for the same reasons. You are a person of worth and value regardless of what your husband says and does, and the more quickly you start appreciating your own strengths and weaknesses, I think the better your choice in men will be.

[popeye]

If he is abusive ...I say move on...the abuse is not going to go away. I have been in abusive relationships before and I had the courage to dump them. Just do it. There are many more men like you out there that can give you the affection you need. You should no that by now.

[kaliope]

bswc
you are describing the classic cycle of abuse. google it. the abuser is abusive and afterward becomes very loving and apologetic to the victim to get them to stay. it is called the honeymoon period. it is not about love. it is about power and control. it will not change. he will continue to hit you. you are worth more than that. contact a domestic violence shelter for counseling and more information. keep yourself safe.

[sandworm]

Dear bswc. I agree with all the posts above, especially Leed's. I would say though
that my mom was in an abusive relationship, she choose to end that relationship
and began a new one. What she did was 'lay down the law' with my step dad and
let him know -NO MORE- then they got counseling. He stopped drinking and for the first time in 17 yrs gave me hugs. One would not recognize the two men, the step
dad before the ultimatum and the man afterwards. His problem was partly the drinking and partly his upbringing to view abuse as part of the male role.
I would share with you to have hope, but ONLY hope based solidly on reality and
very aggressive research and action for your best life.
wishing you all the best.
YOU deserve a better mate, whether it is a new HIM, or a new other man.

[bswc]

Thank you for all the replies. I know what everyone says is right...i just gotta find the strength to take a stand. Lord knows i cannot be battered and abused the way my mother was by my stepfather. I guess its gonna be a time for an ultimatum soon...he either goes for voluntary anger management and puts US first. Or...lose me. But its also the mixed signals all the time that drive me crazy. This afternoon he was weird and moody and distant...next thing loving and caring. Its messing with my mind

[unaluna]

That's intermittent reinforcement, it's the most powerful. You know, rat in a cage, pushing a lever for a pellet, sometimes it's successful, sometimes not, never knows what the result is going to be, it's not predictable dependent on his effort. It's the most addicting. Don't be that poor rat! Find a better "experiment" to be in! xxoo

[kykid]

If he is abusive, and you say yourself that he is, get out and get on with your life. I was also had a difficult childhood, saw my mom being abused by my alcoholic father, etc. but I have overcome this and you can too. My wife and I occasionally have an argument but have never let this get physical at any point. If that were to happen, I would have no alternative but to leave. Good luck.