[todayistheday]

just throwing this out there to see if anyone has had a similar situation and/or advice on how to move past this...

in a nutshell, a couple years ago my husband's female co-worker began having a closer friendship with my husband. She began sending him instant messages at night while he was working on his laptop in our bed. Intimate discussions of her then husband. My husband is a good listenter and gives sound advice. He didn't hide his conversations with her and when I asked he woudl share what she was saying. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt and therefore thought nothing more than friendship was her intentions with my husband. More and more she moved into our lives, befriending my kids (she has a son from previous marriage), asking my husband to help her move to a new house (he was gone all day helping on a weekend day), asking him to help her learn photography (he is a pro photographer), etc. I questioned her intentions when I realized she was more and more doing and asking things with/of my husband that were NOT work related at all. And then her work position changed and last year she began sharing an enclosed, small/cozy office with my husband.

So I asked a good friend if this was just me being paranoid, and she instantly said "NO" and gave me the definition of "emotional cheating" - how he should not be talking about/doing things with the co-worker that he would normally be doing/talking about with me, his wife.

I approached my husband about it and he was truly taken by surprise that I would think his co-worker's intentions were anything but for friendship. He said doing things for her and listening were ways of maintaining a good working relationship. Isn't that what her girl friends are for? She has a flock of college friends she is close with. Our talk about it ended with him saying he would try not to do anything extra-cirriular, unrelated to work, with her. I truly believe he did not think he or she was doing anything "wrong". He has told me that she is not aware of my concerns. I'm not sure about that. If he isn't doing anything non-work related with her, don't you think she'd wonder why all of a sudden he has cut her out of his personal life?

I digress for a moment. Pertinent to this issue is that I suffer from depression, have all my life. I am in recovery, since 2/24/11, the day I came out of the fog so to speak. I have worked VERY hard to be where I am today - my depression controlled, I am happy, and my husband and I have a much better relationship emotionally and physically. However, because of what I did to my husband and our relationship for over ten years (my depression), one of his coping mechanisms was to just do what he needs to do and not tell me. I am a sensitive person and when my depression was out of control I would be overly sensitive and take everything the wrong way. Therefore, he learned to not tell me things that might upset me. The last seven months of my recovery has really helped him to move forward with me and begin to believe in our relationship again.

So I do trust my husband, it's the co-worker I am having a really hard time trusting. I feel she took advantage my husband and I -and she REALLY overstepped the boundaries with a married man. Apparently she is dating someone now. And I really hope I am wrong that she ever had romantic intentions toward my husband. I don't know why I can't get past this. Every time he mentions her name my mind starts thinking things it shouldn't! And when he gpes into work on the weekend for a few hours, is she there too? I question if he is doing things with/for her, unrealted to work, and not telling me so I don't get upset - even though I have grown imensely the last 7 months in my recovery, I question whether he will ever see my side of this - that him having a relationship with a co-worker of the opposite sex outside of the workplace really hurts me.

Maybe I just need to give it time. She's not going anywhere. But neither am I. So how do I get over this and move on?

THAT WAS SO NOT A NUTSHELL!!! If anyone stuck with my ramblings, thank you and please feel free to comment/give advice. Much appreciated!

[Leed]

Hi ~ I find her action inappropriate. She is relying on your husband MUCH too much.

In order to get your husband to understand how you feel, I think I'd ask him to turn the situation around -- what if it was YOU having this kind of relationship with another man?? Would HE mind? Wouldn't it bother him that you were spending so much time with him? I think it would -- and he would ask you to knock it off!!

Remind him that you're still vulnerable in your recovery -- and that you're not trying to "make" trouble, but it just seems out of line to you. I would raise cain if it were my husband!!!

I wish you the best of luck -- I hope your recovery from depression keeps going well. God bless & please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[PBJandPICKLES]

Asking him to turn it around is an idea... what will you say if he doesn't mind?

You must be in therapy. What does your T say about this? It sounds like you have some sort of deeper insecurity and that you are placing the burden of it on your husband (which isn't fair) to quash this fear inside you. I say this because it sounds as though you believe your husband is not actually doing anything with this over stepping woman but your own fears are causing your anxiey and worries. Usually the fears are so deeply embedded in the fiber of our being that we don't realize they're there or where they're coming from or how they are effecting our behavior, thoughts, and feelings.

Forget the stupid woman all together. Trust your husband - that's really all you can do. Cuz you can't stop anyone from doing anything and without trust you have nothing anyway. Talk to your therapist about Attachment Hunger and how it relates to you.

[todayistheday]

Leed and PBJandPICKLES -

First and foremost, thank you for replying to my post. It really means a lot to me that you took the time and you both are truly insightful and very helpful.

I did actually turn it around for him and he said "if that's what you feel you need to do..." meaning if I was the one with an overstepping coworker it would be my choice if I let things go too far. However, this was a year ago when I initially questioned him about the coworker, and several months before my depression recovery began. If I asked him that question now I think I would get a different answer.

I am in therapy. Great T. I do have deeper insecurities - grew up with little confidence and self esteem and developed an unhealthy need for acceptance and affirmations. It is very hard sometimes to recognize the "deeply embedded fears" when they rear their ugly head. My T has helped me to recognize them and cope.

And yes, truer words were never spoken (written in this case!) - Forget the stupid woman all together. Trust your husband - that's really all you can do. Cuz you can't stop anyone from doing anything and without trust you have nothing anyway.

Thank you both so much!