Help learning to trust

I am in a new relationship with a wonderful guy! He's everything I've ever wanted, smart, funny, cute, kind, caring and sensative!!! Anyhow, it seems that due to my past relationships I get these weird ideas in my head that he is going to leave me or doesn't love me. I feel badly because I don't try to have these feelings but they happen! He gets upset because he feels like I don't trust him...I'm just so used to people running away from me when they find out that I have "issues". He is not like that at all he's 100% there for me and lets me know that I can call him whenever and talk to him about ANYTHING. He also holds me when I cry and doesn't freak out when I do cry. Right now I want to stop the irrational fears that he's going to leave me. He's told me time and time again, that he never ever is going to leave me. Any suggestions?

A hard one...one thing that will help is time, I think. When he is there when you need him, it lets you know he is for real. And that everything else he says is also true. I don't have any better advice =/ but so glad you found a supportive guy!

Oh Spaz, new love is so exciting. Do you really have to put the pressure of "forever" on it? Recently there have been some posts about the fragility of life, how improtant it is to learn how to "be here now", or like the song says, "Live like you are dying". Sorta like, if you spend all your time worrying about tomorrow, you 'll miss today, and, today is what's happening.
Sometimes we set ourselves up so we don't have to learn to be so vulnerable as loving in the moment leaves us. It's safer to worry about will he love me tomorrow than it is to feel his love today. You've got your work cut out for you. Old head trips die hard. "Forever" and "Never" are set-up words that we're better off without. Start learning to trust the future by learning to trust the present. Ya know? Happy trails to you and you r sweetie.

I think that fear of abandonment is self-perpetuating to some extent. I mean, some partners can handle insecurity in the other, but some people just don't want to deal with it. By stating our insecurities, it's almost like we have a 2-part goal -- to either preempt them, or to get them to prove something to us. Either way, it is very frustrating to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't trust or who often implies that we intend to abandon them. Nobody likes having words (or motives) put in their mouth.

When I was a teenager (younger than you, of course), I was very insecure and did a lot of the things you described. Only after sufficiently annoying some of the guys I dated did I make a conscientious effort (per the advice of a woman I worked with) to force myself to not say the words or ask the questions. It seems like an oversimplification, but the less I showed my insecurity, the less it took over our conversations, thereby deemphasizing it. Secure people are far more attractive (and less likely to be abandoned) that insecure people... therefore whatever we need to do to gain security in ourselves is a smart way to go. I don't know... I don't have better words to describe it and the word "habit" sounds kind of generic, but I think that a lot of it has to do with breaking a habit of being insecure. I know, I know, I know... it does sound oversimplified, but again, I'm not articulating what I mean very well right now. More coffee needed, maybe. But it's something to think about until more people chime in, ok?

thanks! I do know what you mean, it's soo hard to stop vocalizing the questions and insecurities! But I shall try!

ok. cool. May the force be with you!

Dear Spazz, You explained your fears very nicely in your first post. Share that honestly with him. Let him know you are trying and that he may need to be a little patient with you. In time, you will grow to trust him because he sounds like a heck of a nice guy.

so glad you have found a supportive guy.... and not someone who accuses you of "whining"

don't you just love the judgemental ars****** out there

I'm glad you've found such a great guy! I don't know how much my advice will help since I have the same problem, but instead of telling yourself he's gonna run or leave you or whatever start telling yourself that he's gonna stay, that he's gonna be there for you.

I've been with my bf for over a year, and like you, I'm used to being left, being used, and being cheated on all the time. I'm just now beginning to think this guy isn't gonna do that. It takes time to heal and to trust. Just give it time as it will not happen overnight.

Have you told your new bf about what you're thinking? Let him reassure you that he won't do what you fear and let him be there for you. Just let him know that you need time to trust him.

I agree with Beautiful_Pain: I believe that one thing that definitely would help is time. Perhaps you just have defenses that simply aren't convinced so easily I don't think it's bad at all that you have these worries, and hopefully your boyfriend will understand them. And if he does, over time, then it seems to me that that trust would grow naturally. My advice would be to not wish so hard that you were different. You don't want guilt! But don't ignore all of this or follow it too much either. Just be honest with yourself without being judgmental, and be honest with your boyfriend about your worries, and your worries about your worries If he's understanding over time, I believe this will all calm down. It may make appearances from time to time as you grow together in this relationship, so just acknowledge that, and try and be calm and honest with yourself and him when that happens; don't be afraid of it and try to avoid it.

Just my thoughts

I think I might know what LMo is getting at, and I'll try to pick it up from there somewhat:

SpazKatt, one time sit down, comfortably, with your eyes closed and your body relaxed and still, and simply allow the fear of abandonment to come up in you. Allow yourself to feel it. And most importantly, don't judge it. Don't fear it this time. Don't say "here it comes.. I'm so sick of it, I want it to go away." These are your feelings -- they're a part of you, and only through loving yourself and approving of yourself can you hope to heal them. Just let the feeling be present and feel how it will feel. After the feeling subsides - and it definitely will, especially because you won't be fighting with it - notice how it felt, how it felt to just let it happen, and how you feel afterwards. And notice if you feel like you have new insights into the nature of this pain. You may or you may not after the first time of doing it, but approaching this problem with a clear head will give you a lot more room to feel, heal, and understand. Just remember that this pain, and your fear of having it, are two totally separate things.

Love is tough. It always comes with it's share of pain. Work on today. Love him as much as you can. Accept his love in return. Hope for the best and try to just assume that love will be there tomorrow. It is tough. We have all loved and lost. It isn't easy but the only losers in the love game are those who harden their hearts and refuse to chance hurt again. Oh, how they lose out in the beauty of living a wonderful and full life!<a target='_blank' href='http://www.mymailsignature.com'>
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Thank you all so much it is very helpful! I went to wisconsin with him this weekend to meet his family. His family on BOTH sides grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all. I had a really good time and he said he really really loves me and he was glad he could show me off. Although I was completely exhausted after the trip (I slept till 2pm today, although we did only get in this morning at 1am!)