[jamesH]

have this friend ive known for a year or two, the loyal kind you could trust. i do not believe i am gay, and ive entertained the possibility, but its weird...i find myself with just the name in my mind of this kid, i dont think about him, what he does, anything like that....i swear the name comes in my mind and it is as if some aspect of my mind put it there to drive the other aspects of my mind nuts.

i have tried to fantasize about him to see if i like it, and i dont, i dont get turned on or anything. however, i am not strong enough to purge the possibility that i am gay and this is what bothers me most.

today, i talked to a girl in one of my classes...she was from russia, and i liked her instantly. ive been thinking about her all day even though i said not too much to her and chickened out on talking after class. i dont like anyone getting close to me, not anyone. i screw up relationships, and i dont keep friends...thats my saga to date. i suppose the combination of me being petrified to act like myself around a girl i like, and the never ending antagonizing of my mind causes me to want to just beat myself in the head until it would be serene and quiet so i could focus on something.

i dont know why this bothers me so much. im obsessed maybe? sometimes though, its not like this at all. i believe i do this just to bother me, and i cant stop it, but it does drive me to enraged extremes when i cant stop the voices antagonizing me in my head. theyll tell me to consider this scenario, to picture this, or to see if i would potentially be into this.........all the while i have arrived at the answer of no, not really, or something like that. i will be convinced i am not into homosexuality and then the next day i will do it all over again and want to beat myself in the head for it to stop.

i was reading some things on sexuality on this website the other day. i completely purged this kids name, and i was content and my mind was silent, i was thinking of myself being with a girl i know if i remember correctly. then, perhaps an hour or so later, i lost it again.

often the thoughs associated with this kid are me doing something and extrapolating what his response would be, for approval maybe. i have emotional and mental conditions perhaps, and im seeking help for this, so i dont know if this has to do with anything.

maybe his name comes into my mind just as several other things in a day do, but his sticks because i know it will agitate me and ultimately enrage me because of constant inner conflict within my mind. its like a never ending war, nothing is ever settled in my head.

i may have answered my own question, but whoever reads this has just taken a journey with me through an iteration of my mind, and you can see how agitating it is.

my main concern i have with me questioning my sexuality, is my antagonizing mind for one, but also because i have miserable success with women lately. im so scared and i dont know what of or why, i can picture myself with this girl i mentioned today and yet so little has happened in person....it would take such control on my part to be able to talk in person with an agenda.

there was this one girl not too long ago and i liked her a bunch you could say....i thought it was going to get really serious....but after some sex and some lies, she left me in a seriously bad emotional state/ or rather i tried to leave her for lying, and i couldnt, but she had, so i was left for screwed. my point is, i fell into this girl because she was substandard in most people's eyes, but she was easy even though i liked her. i have no confidence to approach the ones i want....

i feel threatened by the idea of homosexuality, but not always. some days i am comfortable with myself, others i become paranoid.

i cant say im repressing feelings or anything, i look everywhere else for some conclusion to this because i cant do it in my head because it will always be one or the other and i cant stop the antagonizing.

on my best days when i feel most like myself, i dont worry about a thing or hate anyone for any reason....im a charmer to the girls i see, im comfortable in my skin, and im friendly to my peers. its like how i used to be all the time, now all i am is a walking conflict in my head, but i dont even know what the conflict is.

can anyone make sense of this?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

(( james )) I don't have any answers...I think a T would after a while...to ME it sounds like maybe some obsessive thinking maybe fears of being gay kicks it up....OCD can go that way...focus is on the thing feared...and too you have voices I have seen you post on so you may need a PDOC to get some AP meds..It will be ok just get someome to help you on this

[jamesH]

what is a pcod? here is a much more illustrative approace to whats going on right now, i posted this on another forum.

im very confused right now, and i think i have been for years. i am 20 now, and ever since about high school things went sour for me. i may have multiple mental/emotional conditions such as schizophrenia, add, depression, bi-polar disorder, and social phobia so i can be happy or a wreck or either in no time. so understanding my feelings is very hard.

i feel very threatened by women getting close to me. i think they are beautiful, i think they have things to offer emotionally that i need, i like sex and my dominant role in it, etc. most girls do not seem my type, but there are those to whom im very attracted...inexplicably so. this may be significant because i generally dont think things through with these kinds of girls, im hesitant with anyone else.

as for guys, sometimes gay porn is exciting online, but so is animals midgets or what have you, so i dont know if i use this as an indicator. Actually doing something homosexual in real life has seemed intriguing at times but not so much as of late. i have run it through my head, and i dont think i would want to do anything with anyone else. its just not appealing to me

heres what i cant explain: good looking men kind of threaten me, like i dont want to make eye contact and i dont always know how to act around males. i have a so so relationship with my dad, nothing ever really close on an emotional level. im not really interested in making one now anyway, guess i could use some more respect and some more fear of me, rather than me being afraid of him (sort of). so i dont know who thinks that is significant, but im sure that has something to do with how i act now/or dont act now.

i have a few core friends that i am fine around (remember i said i am socially phobic, and this is almost a definate). i had this one friend where i used to live, and of the two of my friends from where i used to live, they are different. its like the one kid is more emotional, and deep, weak, things like that. but different. he might be gay i dont know, i know he doesnt have luck with women.

this other friend i have now...hes the kind of friend you connect with, that you trust and share a good deal with at your core. i have run the scenario through my head of sexual relations with this kid, and it does not interest me. yet when we chill sometimes i feel nervous and then other times i dont. you could almost liken it to me feeling confident and secure in myself, and others me seeking reassurance from others (which i dont like, i lead and not follow). i think i seek things from friends that some people arent willing to offer, i think i am a deep person, so i like to know how people are feeling on an emotional level, and it seems like most people are only interested in surface level discussions. i dont go around talking about the universe to anyone, its just good to know people that if you wanted to you could.

the thing is though, im not completely comfortable with where things are right now with him and i. we are friends sure, but something about it bothers me. i dont know how to explain it. this all could be in my head though, i mentioned above i have issues. because when i do chill with him its just cool you know, i dont desire anything more than what it is. i think i want him to think that i am cool too, but that is not a topic exclusive to this situation i dont believe. i have problems with showing off and not living for myself.

the strongest feelings of security are when i am my own man and dont require any crutches, i have no doubts, and i like being who i am. when im like this, people just look up to me and i make friends. the other me is a scared individual who doesnt know how to look at himself in the mirror, who cant look other men in the eye, who assumes inferiority rather than asserting dominance in any situation (such as a social event, work, etc).

you know, as im writing this i feel 15 times better than i did before i started, and i cant explain that either. i feel comfortable with who i am, i know where my friendships lay and what they mean, and i have compassion for women. yet tomorrow, i know this will be gone, perhaps sooner in 20 minutes it will be gone. thats why im so frustrated. i guess you could say im never in a good mood when i am considering where my sexuality lies. no matter how far i stretch my imagination of who i could be inside, it doesnt end up being comfortable if i imagine myself as being homosexual or bisexual even. i will have to accept who i am, but im only stating what i think i am ok with.

i get overly paranoid and think that almost certainly trivial things mean way more than they probably do. like ut oh you thought this that means you must be gay, and in the end i just get very mad at myself and my mind will not calm down because im constantly antagonizing myself about anything and everything. i really cant be too specific about anything because my entire outlook changes, daily (possibly bi-polar like i said), so my emotions change, my decisions, life goals, everything. its like im a new person every few days, and now and then i completely uproot my core understanding of self. so its hard to get a grasp and feel comfortable with the things i do. its hard for me to say right now, i could be repressing something i dont even see in myself or i could just be paranoid and seeking reassurance from people i dont know online....

i want to be honest, so i will say i am afraid of being gay (whether i am or not) i have a predisposed idea of not liking it. apart from that i would miss things that girls have to offer. i am going to see a therapist next week to go over my possible issues, maybe i will print this out for him to see what he thinks.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hey James I have read and seen your other posts in here,..I do not always comment cause sometimes I have nothing to say that matters...or someone beats me to what I would say...I am thinking you need a PDOC that is a psychiarist they do the meds best and can DX you rather fast and well....I think meds would help with the circle thinking, paranoia and voices....and new SI..see I DO read all....
On the gay fears....ya know you MAY??? may be... bi or bi CURIOUS and thats way normal if normal is real...I know a lotta folks who have been or are bi curious....Be easy on yourself

HUGS

[jamesH]

i dont even know how to be bi-curious. i just know people getting close to me bothers me, i dont know how to have friendships and my relationships lately are about sex that i dont even want to have without the underlying principles. its almost as if i have to stop thinking completely and just fall into a girl, its like i cover my emotions for women because i cant handle it. i dont feel like i could be in a relationship with a guy, and the idea of being in between doesnt sit with me. i do know i hate this feeling, its like im dead.

you really, really, really need to talk to a therapist and you would benefit from going to a Pdoc (psychiatrist) for some meds that could help clear some of the constant thinking around and around and around. talking about all of this would help you clarify some of your questions about yourself and relieve some of the doubts that you have about your sexuality. you need some therapy...xoxoxo pat

[jamesH]

the more i have been analyzing this, im realizing i have a serious problem with getting close to people and letting emotions out. im almost found a niche in being in solitude.

i think i have general discomfort around both genders when i dont know them, but women are more comfortable to me although sometimes its the other way around.

i think this is something unique, i hope to gain insight into it after i talk to a T