[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">I would like to know if anyone can relate to this or has any input....

I do not associate sex with love or really any emotional connection. This upsets my husband deeply. I have tried to explain to him that it is not against him, that it is me. It is how I have always viewed sex. I have told him that I view love differently. I show love by doing kind, thoughtful, and spontaneous things for him. Or by poems or letters. This is also how I in-turn feel love, when he does the same for me: even if it is doing the dishes for me, to me it is a sign of affection where as sex is not. Sex is just an activity, something fun to do, but to him sex is very much a love connection. I feel I have come a long way regarding this because for a long time sex made me feel dirty and sick. I use to be one of those people that could take it or leave it. Then I went thru a personal change, and am now able to enjoy it without those feelings, well as long as I keep my eyes shut, and I have become a very sexual person, just without the association of that is love. I have talked with therapists about it before but I really don’t get much feedback, other than that it is most likely caused from the sexual assault I have experienced in the past.

Can anyone else relate to this or am I the only one?

Melinda
</font>

[parsifal]

Melinda,

Recently I went from considering sex to be just a fun thing to do, to being more about love. My ex-girlfriend had quite often said that she feels sex is about love and feeling connected, and I acknowledged it, but I never felt like I understood what she meant. Meanwhile sex was kind of scary for me in that I had issues about wanting to do it "right" -- e.g. I'd be afraid I wouldn't be able to stay aroused all the time, and that I'd not be able to finish, etc.

But recently I was thinking things over, and it occurred to me that sex could be a really good way to show love. Let me paste you an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my ex-girlfriend recently (before we broke up):

"I feel like I understand the whole sex thing better now. I feel like it can be a really good way to establish and reinforce this strong, trusting friendship. It can be a place where we're both totally dedicated to making each other happy, and we're not thinking or worrying about anything else. It's a place to remember what we feel for each other -- it's a place to retreat to. And it should be a place where our trust and care for each other is obvious and felt strongly. And if you feel that way, then having me violate that would undermine everything. So I no longer miss sex as simply a "fun" thing. I understand what it means when it's no longer there. It hurts."

[MacD]

I understand....and maybe your husband might understand more if sex were put in the "loving activity" category instead of the "recreational".....I'm a firm believer that we all possess our own individual "talents" regarding expressing our deepest love for someone. Just point out to him that while sex is certainly a loving activity (w/him of course)....that you feel your expression of deepest love from other gestures.....no problem there....just a difference between you two...Hang in there.grace

[SerenitysWave]

Fury posted:
I don't know exactly what to reply to that. What I CAN tell you is that while I don't KNOW what you're going through with this, I understand what you're saying. I will do what I can to find you some information on this.

<font color="purple">I apprecaite your honesty Fury. It is a difficult situation to comprehend as it is to explain any repsonse. I have been struggling for days on how to present this to the forum. My friends dont know what to make of it, they dont understand the concept at all.

I cant begin to understand how my husband feels. I try very hard to assure him of my love, and I believe he knows I love him dearly regardless. I wish I felt that connection....

Love is another issue/concept I have...Working on it, have improved some, but still way to hard to explain though, cant even explain it to myself, LOL...
Melinda
</font>

[MacD]

Every relationship is a work in progress.....always.....
grace

[bebop]

me personally I believe sex is sex...making love is a whole different thing. sex is the act without intimacy. I believe when we get really intimate is when we make love. to me totally different things

[SerenitysWave]

parsifa wrote:
l Recently I went from considering sex to be just a fun thing to do, to being more about love. My ex-girlfriend had quite often said that she feels sex is about love and feeling connected, and I acknowledged it, but I never felt like I understood what she meant. Meanwhile sex was kind of scary for me in that I had issues about wanting to do it "right" -- e.g. I'd be afraid I wouldn't be able to stay aroused all the time, and that I'd not be able to finish, etc.

But recently I was thinking things over, and it occurred to me that sex could be a really good way to show love. Let me paste you an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my ex-girlfriend recently (before we broke up):

"I feel like I understand the whole sex thing better now. I feel like it can be a really good way to establish and reinforce this strong, trusting friendship. It can be a place where we're both totally dedicated to making each other happy, and we're not thinking or worrying about anything else. It's a place to remember what we feel for each other -- it's a place to retreat to. And it should be a place where our trust and care for each other is obvious and felt strongly. And if you feel that way, then having me violate that would undermine everything. So I no longer miss sex as simply a "fun" thing. I understand what it means when it's no longer there. It hurts."

<font color="purple">Thank you for sharing your experience with this.
I dont worry about doing it right or anything like that. I am not self concious at all about sex. I do sometimes feel like there is something wrong woth me because I dont have the view most have regarding sex/intimacy as a gesture of love. When I try to do so, I feel disgusted, I actually feel like it is wrong for me to feel like it is an expression of my love, that it is dirty. But at the same time I feel like it is worng for me to feel the way I do about it with the disconnection. I dont really know what to do, I dont want my husband to continue feeling like it is personal against him . I cant make him understand, and I understand what he and most people say about it, I just dont happen to have that in me or feel it....

I feel the emotional connection we have with each other is much stronger, and more like love making than sex.
I am sorry if I am not explaining this well.

Thank you for sharing the excerpt of the letter you wrote to your g/f. I have tried training my thinking to feel that way, didnt work for me, I felt nasty....

melinda
</font>

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
me personally I believe sex is sex...making love is a whole different thing. sex is the act without intimacy. I believe when we get really intimate is when we make love. to me totally different things

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple">I certainly understand that and agree that they are two different things, but making love does not involve sex for me.... </font>

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">Thank you Grace. I get what you are saying, even though it is not how I feel, I do understand that for him it is a loving expression of our love and marriage.

I guess I will just have to leave it at that. I will try not to bring it up to him because it is his feelings that get hurt, not mine. When I go back to therapy next month I will try to re-examine this issue with my therapist.

Melinda</font>

[crazyashell]

Wow, it all gets to be pretty deep when you start taking it all apart, doesn't it ! <a target='_blank' href='http://www.mymailsignature.com'>
</a>

[lincoln]

Hi, I read this and thought well yeah, a ton of people have this same thing. The I read the replies and noone seemed to really "know" what you were saying. Which both surprised and scared me because I "know" exactly what you are saying. But unfortuantely do not have thoughts as to why it is this way or what to do about it. Maybe just knowing I know what you are saying is something.

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
lincoln said:
Hi, I read this and thought well yeah, a ton of people have this same thing. The I read the replies and noone seemed to really "know" what you were saying. Which both surprised and scared me because I "know" exactly what you are saying. But unfortuantely do not have thoughts as to why it is this way or what to do about it. Maybe just knowing I know what you are saying is something.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple">Yes it does help, thank you. I did have a private responder that understood completely. I am saddened and comforted at the same time that someone relates to what I am saying. But thru this I also was able to allow myself to think long and hard last night. And while snuggling with my husband I recognized something: Making love for me is kissing, holding hands, snuggling (w/o expectation of sex), its all a mental conncetion for me.... And sex, is just a physical pleasurable activity. So I figured out that I just think differently and that is ok, I feel good about knowing that . I am no longer going to force a concept upon myself just because it doesnt fit with the "norm" anymore. In this I also answered another question of mine about love. I do know what it is and what it feels like and that is a huge break through for me. It may be in a different context but I believe the outcome is the same feeling and I am going to celebrate that!!

>>>> I do want to thank all that have responded, it opened thought provoking insight within myself, if that made sense? LOL.

Melinda</font>

[Rhapsody]

Sex was created by God to be one of the greatest forms of expression of His LOVE for his children and what better way to express that LOVE than to see it between a man and a woman joined in holy matrimony?

Now while SEX should and is a form of bonding between two souls, it can also be a sign of mistrust or the loss of intimacy when that love has been wounded, either by the spouse or by another person in our past (broken trust or abuse). When Gods GIFT to us as married people is defiled through abuse then our out look of its true nature is warped... no longer seen as good or beautiful.

Some people cannot see SEX as a form of LOVE & INTIMACY for they are sacred of..... love, intimacy, being close, people they care for, sharing their wounded heart and/ or of their self.
Sex brings these things (feelings) out in us when they are shared with some one we love, therefore, if we are scared we will flee from the source of our fear, that which resonates deep with in us.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I 100% relate to what you said I love sex but to me it has zero to do with love..it just feels very good and that's it...I think we may be in a rare minority..I can %#@&#! a stranger and enjoy it as much as someone I am in love with..The kiss is better with one I love but the rest is all the same..I just want the O

[curley]

I think actions other then sexual, such as the ones you have mentioned are the real proof of love. Giving the last glass of milk. Washing the dishes for. Shining their shoes. Making them more comfortable, even if you are a little uncomfortable. Thinking of them first. These to me are great examples of the things we do when we love someone. Sex is great when you are in love with someone. But sex can also be great when you are not in love. I also feel that in a Love relationship sex is very important. But in a relationship if all you have is sex, you have nothing!

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
curley said:
I think actions other then sexual, such as the ones you have mentioned are the real proof of love. Giving the last glass of milk. Washing the dishes for. Shining their shoes. Making them more comfortable, even if you are a little uncomfortable. Thinking of them first. These to me are great examples of the things we do when we love someone. Sex is great when you are in love with someone. But sex can also be great when you are not in love. I also feel that in a Love relationship sex is very important. But in a relationship if all you have is sex, you have nothing!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wise words and I agree

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
I 100% relate to what you said I love sex but to me it has zero to do with love..it just feels very good and that's it...I think we may be in a rare minority..I can %#@&#! a stranger and enjoy it as much as someone I am in love with..The kiss is better with one I love but the rest is all the same..I just want the O

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple"> That is exactly how I feel....

I also feel a kiss is much more intimate then sex...

The more I think of this the more I beleive that I am more emotionally disconnected than I thought. </font>

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
curley said:
I think actions other then sexual, such as the ones you have mentioned are the real proof of love. Giving the last glass of milk. Washing the dishes for. Shining their shoes. Making them more comfortable, even if you are a little uncomfortable. Thinking of them first. These to me are great examples of the things we do when we love someone. Sex is great when you are in love with someone. But sex can also be great when you are not in love. I also feel that in a Love relationship sex is very important. But in a relationship if all you have is sex, you have nothing!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wise words and I agree

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple">Ditto! </font>

[Lexicon78]

I'm just the opposite of you. I believe sex is love...sex is sacred and it's the ultimate way to show someone you love them. I don't have sex with anyone I don't love. Sure sex feels good, but so does love...so to me it makes sense that sex is love (in my eyes).

Just my opinion.

[LMo]

For me, the distinction is how close are you AFTER sex, not DURING sex...

[Rhapsody]

I agree with LEX here.... SEX is LOVE and disconnected sex only serves as a symptom of a much deeper emotional issue, that which lies from with in us.

SEX has always been the guidance to which all relationships are gauged.... and while it is not the most important part it does show what shape the relationship is or is not in.

BTW – some people have sex to feel good while others have sex to bond, but no matter how you look at it, they both equal emotions (connection), which in turn in a human need that is fulfilled through this action. So no matter what your reason is… I say: GO FOR IT!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody –

P.S.
Some times I want sex to bond with my husband and at other times I just want to ENJOY that unmistakable feeling….

[lincoln]

I did leave out something in my last post. As I said I do not relate sex to love in any way AND at the same time I do not like, want or enjoy sex in any way. I hear that it is a basic human need, but I do not seem to need it because I am still living. I'm not sure if this changes anything about what I had originally posted, or if it changes anything on the reason why i do not believe sex and love are related. The whole concept of needing sex baffles me, as I know my not needing and wanting sex baffles others. I do however need to be loved. Does this make me in some way selfish?

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple"> I have been trying to figure out a way to respond to this without being disrespectful. I hope I am able to explain my disagreements politely. Please remember that I am only answering in how I feel it pertains to me and what I beleive to be true within me and my situation </font>

I agree with LEX here.... SEX is LOVE and disconnected sex only serves as a symptom of a much deeper emotional issue, that which lies from with in us.

<font color="purple">I agree that disconnected sex is a sympton of a much deeper emotional issue but I do not agree that sex is love though. </font>

SEX has always been the guidance to which all relationships are gauged.... and while it is not the most important part it does show what shape the relationship is or is not in.

<font color="purple"> I do agree with this for the most part, but I must add that I do not beleive that in my situation with my husband that it is an indicator of what shape our relationship is in. </font>

BTW – some people have sex to feel good while others have sex to bond, but no matter how you look at it, they both equal emotions (connection), which in turn in a human need that is fulfilled through this action. So no matter what your reason is… I say: GO FOR IT!!!

<font color="purple"> I like how you used the word bond instead of connected. For me it still doesnt exist though. I also don't feel that just because I enjoy sex and all that it is a emotional connection b/cI can have sex while I am angry, sad, happy , etc... Sex does not spark any emotional reaction, just physical in me. But I could be confusing physical feeling and emotional feeling too, I dont know... </font>

[SerenitysWave]

I do however need to be loved. Does this make me in some way selfish?

<font color="purple">No I do not beleive that makes you selfish in anyway, lincoln. I honestly believe that that is one thing that everyone yearns for. To be loved, feel loved, know love, accept love, give love, recieve love.... It is very importnat I believe. </font>

[Rhapsody]

Dear SW -

I am replying back to your last post out of the experience I have gone through myself with sex and always wanting it to feel good... I was ADDICTED to the chemical high that sex gave me (my drug of choice) and even though I only had sex with my husband, it was still a DRUG used to medicate the emotional pain that was still inside of me (sex was my happiness in life).... a way to escape without having to die.

Please keep in mind that while most males give love in order to obtain sex and most females give sex in order to obtain love.... they are both needed and craved for the exact same reason.... emotional bonding.

Check out this website (i love it) - http://4-womenonly.com/home.aspx
Become a member and read the many extra articles.... I am a member here.
The book for MEN ONLY coming out in April of this year....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))