[Distressed2010]

Hello,

My past history: child abuse, psychological and emotional, my sisters were very very mean, and SA of 7 years from my brother in law.

Present: my father is very ill, he wont live many days.

In this situation, I have come to my parents house where my family has come together and I just don't know how to cope with this all.

On one side i have "losing my dad" and on the other i have my sisters who are still mean to me which constantly takes me to the past and i can't get out of it.

My eldest sister wants me to give her this "title" that in my culture you call someone older. I don't want to call her with this title anymore, i don't feel like it, she's so mean to me, belittles me constantly.. and shouts if i just call her by her name.. why do i have to do what she wants me to do? if i ever go against her will, she says i have bad behavior. i'm so sick of it.

if i say why doesnt the other sister call you this, she starts shouting.. and basically whenever I'm in my family, my sisters and everyone, i'm given no respect at all.

If i'm speaking to the doctor, I'm interrupted by them and told to shut up..

How do i cope with this all? I feel so stuck, iw ant to spend time with my father who i dont know how long will live, and on the other side I have this stress to deal with the dysfunctionalities of my family...

I probably played the scapegoat and lost child one and off throughout my childhood.
I'm so mentally exhausted I can't tell you... today they even said, oh she (me) can't do much regarding xyz cos no one will take her seriously. I'm almost 30 years old. I feel so alone. I'm afraid of intimacy. My relationships suck.

[Elana05]

(((Distressed2010)))

I hear you... I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so sad, hurt, angry.
How awful it sounds with everyone yelling or making comments, putting you down. Please try to keep in mind that you don't deserve this. You are a strong person who is owed respect, indeed the same respect each person owes each other person.
But if they don't get this, they just don't get it and it will always be that way. No arguing will convince them, so I would say just shrug or nod, do what they want.
I know you are in a very conservative environment. But is there ANY way you could move out? Is there any way to find a church or organization where you can take a room - or try to raise money to plan to move out at a given time? It sounds like they will drive you crazy! You are old enough now to move on. I know it's hard. Can you sit down and make some plans (on paper or in your mind) about how you can move out? Take care of yourself. Be gentle with you. Even when the others are being mean, just roll your eyes to yourself and ignore them. If your sister "NEEDS" you to call her by that name, maybe you should just do it - you don't have to mean it in your heart... You know, do whatever you can to keep the peace. Just try to figure out how to free yourself!
(Those are my thoughts...) I am sending many supportive thoughts your way.
Hugs.
Elana

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Elana05

(((Distressed2010)))

I hear you... I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so sad, hurt, angry.
How awful it sounds with everyone yelling or making comments, putting you down. Please try to keep in mind that you don't deserve this. You are a strong person who is owed respect, indeed the same respect each person owes each other person.
But if they don't get this, they just don't get it and it will always be that way. No arguing will convince them, so I would say just shrug or nod, do what they want.
I know you are in a very conservative environment. But is there ANY way you could move out? Is there any way to find a church or organization where you can take a room - or try to raise money to plan to move out at a given time? It sounds like they will drive you crazy! You are old enough now to move on. I know it's hard. Can you sit down and make some plans (on paper or in your mind) about how you can move out? Take care of yourself. Be gentle with you. Even when the others are being mean, just roll your eyes to yourself and ignore them. If your sister "NEEDS" you to call her by that name, maybe you should just do it - you don't have to mean it in your heart... You know, do whatever you can to keep the peace. Just try to figure out how to free yourself!
(Those are my thoughts...) I am sending many supportive thoughts your way.
Hugs.
Elana

Hi Elana,

Thanks for responding . I don't live with my parents anymore, I moved to another city earlier this year , months back but Im' back here because my father is critically ill and won't survive much longer..

I don't understand. Did you mean to say "do what they want", or was that a typo?

I normally do follow their plans like sometimes from the hospital we go to my sisters house, and I do go.. but they find any and every reason to shout at me for the smallest things, my anxiety level and shouting and anger level is so high when I'm around my family, its never there around other people.

Also, I just can't take calling her by that title because I feel then rules should be for everyone and my other sister should also use that title. And this is not common in all families of this culture.. its just that I feel she wants me to cater to her all the time, and I don't like doing it anymore.

I feel like I'm doing injustice to myself by giving her the title I never wanted to give since childhood, she had forced me to give it by constantly creating drama whenever i never used the title...

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

...Im' back here because my father is critically ill and won't survive much longer...

This must be very hard. My thoughts are with you.

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Did you mean to say "do what they want", or was that a typo?

No, it wasn't a typo. I suppose I was just thinking it might be easier to begrudgingly go along with your family while you are there, rather than argue. I am coming from a biased perspective because I have been put in this situation with my own mom. When I visit her I find it easier to just go along with her rather than argue... But the stress is still there.
I'm glad to hear you were able to leave and are now living on your own.
With your father ill, I imagine everyone is even more stressed than usual. But it is no reason to treat you, or anyone else with disrespect. I see what you mean about not wanting to call your sister by this particular name, if your other sister doesn't do it either. It sounds like a hard situation. Abuse gets passed along in families in insidious ways.
It sounds like you are there to help out as your father is in critical care. You will not have to stay thank god. Keep taking deep breaths.
I wish I had more helpful advice. All I can say is I hear you...

Elana

[Distressed2010]

Hi Elana, thanks so much.

I understand what you're trying to say now, to avoid drama and to keep the peace, just go with it. I used to do that, but its just reached a point i no longer can.

Also, my mom always taught me to go with whatever they(my sisters) used to demand of me, so the peace would remain and my "relationship" would stay with them. When i used to tell her, they're being unjust to me, she'd get angry and shout at me and say "then do whatever you want! you'll be left all alone if you dont learn to keep relationships!". So for a long time I did try to keep the relationship by being nice, then i realized I was being overly nice and stepping all over myself to make them happy and still things wouldn't change.

So now, at the age of 28 i've reached a point where I don't want to do this and I also don't want to follow the footsteps of my mother, Ive seen her avoid any issue/problem that comes up... and i don't want to adopt that strategy.

I know there is stress by calling her by that name, but i think i might have more internal stress if i let her have her way. I'm sort of tired of it.

Especially when I see her being SUPERNICE to her fiance, yet she takes out all her stress at me. In front of her fiance (they met 3 months back), she's super sweet, wont yell at me, wont say anything. As soon as he's not there, its like her other side pops out.

Thanks for reading, I wrote all this not really as a response to Elana, but maybe I'm just venting or posing my view.

Thankyou Elana for always being there