[lastyearisblank]

I need a little advice about something and would appreciate some feedback.

This boyfriend that I've been with is really serious, we are planning to move in together. He is a student, no job, and a year to go before graduation, but I have been willing to consider a future with him because he has been extremely loving, kind, and supportive in amazing ways. I have never been so completely alive with someone. Similarly he seems to feel the same about me. He has proved his caring time and time again. Oh by the way we have only been dating for only like 5 months.

Yesterday, thanksgiving, we had a nearly 24 hour fight. I was at home visiting family and having a hard time dealing with my mom-- was pretty much hysterical. BF was planning to go have a traditional thanksgiving with his family and I had said no to spend time w/ my own family. Well things got tough here, so I called him, sobbing (I know bad idea), saying I could go after all. He said well we're almost leaving it's too late (they were going to drive to someone's house and they wanted to get an early start leaving by three). I said oh b/c I didn't want to hold him and his family up for 30 minutes.

Long story short I spent thanksgiving in a succession of bars crying for basically 9 hours feeling so stupid and gross for being the girl nobody could love, basically estranged from both my family and my boyfriend's family. This is someone I thought of as a future life partner. I know that's not a productive way to spend one's time but bars were the only places open around here. At 7 I used a pay phone to call my boyfriend (he'd asked me to b/c he was worried), and he sounded annoyed saying they were trying to eat.

I don't know why but psychologically this was hard on me. I am having a lot of doubts about our relationship now. Please no comments on the rest of the story, I have a lot of other stuff going on obviously-- but what should I do about this dude? I love him I really do and he is convinced that I am the "most important person in his life" and this was an abberation and he wants to keep spending every day together. I told him I need a break but he wants to keep plugging along. In a really practical sense, i don't know what we're going to do this week-- we usually spend every minute of every day together. Should I just take the break I need? How does this come off to other people? Am I overreacting or is it important to be able to go to ones partner when in distress (this is the first time it happened, he sees me as happy).

Thank you in advance

[Yoda]

I can't really advise you because I don't know the totality of your situation but I had the experience of becoming engaged after a few months and then wanted to delay the marriage until I had finished college. My fiance pressured me and I gave in because I had already committed and I deeply regret that I didn't wait and probably would not have married him.

You need to consider more than just one bad day. How does he treat you other days? There is no rush to marry or move in together. After you have recovered from your really crappy day you can put things in perspective better and think about what is best for you.

[kaliope]

Im just going on what you have posted. Everything in the relationship was spectacular. BF wasnt able to change his T-day plans at the last minute to accomodate you. Stings a bit, but you agree you didnt want to hold them up. He was unable to talk because he was eating dinner.

Your questions and insecurities about the relationship came up during a 9 hour alcohol fueled haze at a time you were feeling rejected by family, lost, alone and vulnerable. How could you accurately assess your relationship during that time?

You talk so highly of this relationship, but he has let you down. You are setting a precedent for how you are going to handle problems in the future. Take a break or communicate?

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by kaliope

You are setting a precedent for how you are going to handle problems in the future. Take a break or communicate?

This is exactly what concerns me. I tried to communicate with my boyfriend for most of the day. I need to spend the next week applying for graduate schools and most of the time communicating with him takes precedence even over that. When I am with my boyfriend I instinctively focus on what he needs and if he is hungry, or something like that, we go get food. I never leave him alone. I am in a headspace where I am not even applying to graduate schools that are more than 50 miles away from home. He is letting me do this. I am completely focused on his moods and needs. I am frustrated that he hung up the phone on me crying. I do not see it as excessive accommodation though- just to respond to the post. There is no way I could be in a relationship with someone who could walk away from me when I am crying (I'm not talking about when we have a fight and need to cool down, i'm talking about crying due to life stresses). It is a matter of compatability. add: we are both youngish but I can not imagine what is going to happen the first time one of us faces a real challenge, if he can't handle thanksgiving. I do my fair share in the relationship and this is pretty much my only requirement in return. Not arguing just got some further thoughts on this based on reading the post.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by Yoda

After you have recovered from your really crappy day you can put things in perspective better and think about what is best for you.

This is so completely true. Thank you for sharing that story.

[kaliope]

If it is not excessive accomodations, what do you call it?

I instinctively focus on what he needs and if he is hungry, or something like that, we go get food. I never leave him alone. I am in a headspace where I am not even applying to graduate schools that are more than 50 miles away from home. He is letting me do this. I am completely focused on his moods and needs. I need to spend the next week applying for graduate schools and most of the time communicating with him takes precedence even over that.

This post is clearly stating that you put his needs above your own, before your whole future even. Combine that with:

There is no way I could be in a relationship with someone who could walk away from me when I am crying. It is a matter of compatability. I do my fair share in the relationship and this is pretty much my only requirement in return.

Now I can fully understand why you would want to take a break. From what you have written here, I would say you do more than your fair share in a relationship, making him the priority, and in exchange you have this one expectation. To be supported when you are crying. A very reasonable expectation it is. But be sure to evaluate if he is really worth giving up so much of yourself as well.

[roads]

My impression is that you may be too giving to have a realistic relationship just now. I say "impression" because there is just so much we don't know. But you seem to make compromises like where you apply to school (50 miles away). You say he is "letting" you. That's not the same as asking you. Much less insisting.

You make sacrifices and I think you expect your partner to match you sacrifice for sacrifice. I'm wondering how much you two have really discussed in specific detail about your future together.

If he knew you were alone bar-hopping and he left you to it, I just can't imagine that you are the woman he wants to bind himself to for life, the woman he envisions as the mother of his children. You just don't treat your one true love that way.

Either you two have a serious communication problem, or you just aren't focused on the same future--in my opinion.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by kaliope

But be sure to evaluate if he is really worth giving up so much of yourself as well.

Yes thanks, I thought he was doing it too before this (not giving stuff up I mean, but just this urge to build a team and the real pleasure of discovering someone whose happiness matters more than your own)! And maybe he is and he is right and this was a one time thing not a big sign. He has apologized up and down and said it was a moment of "coldness" and said that is not really him, and he doesn't know why he did that. Btw I don't see the school thing as a loss, because my life will be better having him in it and a lot of the schools around here are the top schools anyway, but I guess this is the first time I saw him putting his family before me and that sort of stung. Thank you so much again for your understanding feedback kaliope.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

If he knew you were alone bar-hopping and he left you to it, I just can't imagine that you are the woman he wants to bind himself to for life, the woman he envisions as the mother of his children. You just don't treat your one true love that way.

I know. This is what I want to suggest to him. I just know that some day he will be in a position to imagine pissing off his family, getting his car, and getting his woman, because some day he will meet a woman who inspires that kind of selflessness. And I know that some day I will meet someone who I care about too much to go off and drink by myself and then call from a pay phone crying. This is literally the first time that it is occuring to me we are not each others' that person!!! (right now) I agree thank you.

[lastyearisblank]

Ok last annoying update, I promise!! I just spoke to him and he said: Nothing can get in the way of my feelings for you. I made a huge mistake, but I won't ever let it happen again. Not being there for you in a call when you were crying like that is not who I am. I won't ever let things get in the way ever again.

I am glad we will be together in the near future. Thank you for helping me see the bigger picture, all. Yes it is true we have not discussed a specific arrangement, but he will be moving in about a month and he mentioned wanting to move to the city where I live (we live 1.5 hours apart, he goes to school in his city) and I said maybe we should move in together. That was all.

[lad007]

Well a lot of people have trouble with the holiday, especially with dysfunction in the family.
So you had a decision to make about where you wanted to spend the day, and did have another choice. So to your guy, you had already decided and when you wanted to change at the last minute, not sure he got why. And he was with his family, and if you were a little drunk or whatever probably did not want a lot of drama when he was eating.
Yes you should be able to go to your partner when you are in distress, but he was enjoying his holiday, and you weren't in any life threatening trauma so I don't really see that he did anything wrong.

[Junerain]

I really relate. I gave so much of myself up in the last relationship I had, Now that it's over, I forgot how to be 'me' once more...need to get back into who I am now, for I have changed and grown. Everything is a learning experience, even a difficult holiday. My holiday has been difficult as well. I'm grateful for PC, reading your story has helped me. I care about you Pm me anytime...

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by lad007

Well a lot of people have trouble with the holiday, especially with dysfunction in the family.
So you had a decision to make about where you wanted to spend the day, and did have another choice. So to your guy, you had already decided and when you wanted to change at the last minute, not sure he got why. And he was with his family, and if you were a little drunk or whatever probably did not want a lot of drama when he was eating.
Yes you should be able to go to your partner when you are in distress, but he was enjoying his holiday, and you weren't in any life threatening trauma so I don't really see that he did anything wrong.

Yes but if his grandfather had felt that way about his grandmother than nobody would have been there to cook the food. (I kid, I kid). Thank you for your advice!

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by Junerain

I really relate. I gave so much of myself up in the last relationship I had, Now that it's over, I forgot how to be 'me' once more...need to get back into who I am now, for I have changed and grown. Everything is a learning experience, even a difficult holiday. My holiday has been difficult as well. I'm grateful for PC, reading your story has helped me. I care about you Pm me anytime...

Junerain! It is nice to hear from you. I am so glad though not surprised to hear you are doing well, though I am sorry you had such a difficult holiday.
Yes there is a very different and wonderful aspect to being single- like having extra parts of one's brain space freed up!!!!!