Am I strong enough... 'not' to save her?

Hello all,

Ok, first time writing something like this, because it goes against all of my resolve. I'll give you the story first though, and then my ultimate issue. A few facts first: my current partner is has depression and seemingly split personalities, a bright intellectual, this is not and overstatement either, this post is in regards to the fact that, I've been unable to save her. Please be vigilant and read on, you'll be the first to read this...

PART 1

When I was younger I had a hell of a lot of things wrong with me, mentally. OCD, ADHD were the main culprits, and I did a lot of things, fairly uncontrollably, I had a few psychologists study me, tests done, slight autistic tenancies arose, you don't need further details, but I was indeed uncontrollable and several times I was nearly 'given away' from my parents, it must have been hard for them... so... I got to about 12-13 years old and... I vividly remember this moment... I looked up out of my window, at the torn sky and then on the radio, I won't name it, but it's a sort of operatic, now, yes, this is just some song, by a band, by a human, but, something then, right at that moment... changed me... the song moved me, it was a very strange epiphany almost. I started to get better, everything... got better, my personality, temperament, I just now... believed in something, and that something had given me strength, a lot of it...

END PART 1

PART 2
6-7 years later, and i'm pretty much normal and also still carrying that strength... I was off to university, and I meet low and behold, my first love. Now, details aside, keeping this short, a 5 year relationship, perfect, now that is just a word, but I don't mean, the 'set up' of the relationship, I mean the actual existence of it, and the love that was in it. Here is where things come together now sorry, this girl I loved, disappeared and in time, someone replaced her, someone who in the end, had ended up like everyone else, I tried my hardest to save her from her pride, her superficiality that had developed, but the person I once knew, was lost, we split up, I couldn't stomach it any longer, I have a VERY strong view on relationships, jobs do not matter, common physical interests such as sports, hobbies, food drink, do not matter, it is WHO the person is, that matters, don't get me wrong, the ironic thing is, I could do everything this girl wanted to do, and I did, they just weren't my 'ultimate' goals, I take pride in my fitness, intelligence and morals. So... now, sorry for the actual long story, but it is shorter than you can imagine! This strengthened my resolve, this event, I was right, about relationships, sure, but, I failed to save her... and this sounds odd, but I have saved many people from a multitude of different things, and... I have saved myself, every-time something has kicked me about, something that should have scarred me and turned me into depression, I fought against and won. The fact I lost vs her downfall... worried me. I am a warrior at heart, body and mind... I just can't not save people...

END PART 2

PART 3
So, after pulling myself from an almost abyss I made for myself that I couldn't in-fact do anything to help my ex, it had strengthened me again... although, of course, this comes with it's side affects, now I am even MORE inclined to help people. Yes, I won't be affected any-more, it doesn't really emotional affect me, nor will I accept anything less now, BUT, I have met a new girl, 2 years soon, we are only seeing each other, I, do not love her, but I am a friend and partner right now, I do not see myself continuing to be romantically involved. So here is where you the reader come in. About a few months in, things occur that really throw her off, into some insanity... anger etc. She tells me, she has had depression for a while now, and has some rubbish drugs that 'calm her'... challenge accepted my heart said... is it a fool? So now, it has gotten worse and worse as she now relies on me, and I have told her, I would help her, no matter what, I would always be there, which I will be... but... it hasn't been enough... I have saved so many people, but really... can I not save someone from depression... I bring her up, and she falls again, she tries to throw insults, they go over my head, and she knows she doesn't mean them, but then, again, something happens, and she is out of it again, she just sinks! My words are so strong, I know what to say now... so why won't they work... my time, effort, money, 'love' have not been enough, I give her all my strength.... but... yeh, you can see my problem.

I can't stop trying. Something won't let me. She has exclaimed there is nothing else after me... yes she means 'that'. What should I do?

Her parents sort of know, but not to this extent, she has seen therapists, she doesn't believe a word they say, we talk every night, she is 22-25, no job, friends, she lives with her parents, her depression is based on things that have been 'taken' from her, physically, potentially and theoretically, etc. I am 26, my own place, great job. I'm strong... but... what happens when, I run out of, ideas, or, am I still not strong enough?

Thanks for reading.

I think you and i have smilar problems we want to save people, be there knight in shining armour so to speak, but at the end of the day she has to be her own superhero. You cannot do more than your already doing, and you cant do more than the person will let you. You dont love her yet, so this may sound mean but in away that makes it easier for you to walk away. You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with this person, be there friend or if you want to walk away and leave her to sort out her own problems out!

You dont have control over her actions just your own. If you want to help her through this do it for the right reasons in that you love her/ like her and want to support her and be her friend, dont do it because you have an obsessive need to make her into the person you know she can be, as too often we see the potential of a person and we know how great they can be and we forget that maybe they dont want to become that person, or they never are gong to reach there full potential.

I hope that makes sence in otherwords choose whether you want to be in her lie based on letting our own expections go, or walk away and realise that you cant save everyone.

I agree with lexie...

@lexie86
Thanks lexie and direction, 'the right thing' is that I am a friend, regardless of being a partner or not. So as a friend, all I can do is be here for her now, it just sucks I couldn't, in the end beat something so powerful... it sort of erks me, it is unstoppable... the depression, delusion, hate, anger, all from what seems as peace and happiness, which is always on the edge of a knife.

It doesn't bother me, that, I care about her so it affects me, I care that - people can be torn like this. Almost completely asunder by small events, and then it is then impossible to assure them. I can't save everyone... a realisation that I didn't want to accept. Really didn't. I get such EXTREME challenges set on me, I have been through a lot, and this one beating me, almost makes me lose some faith. Something handed me this, to look after this one... I'd like to believe everything happens for a reason, so... this is saying that the reason is, to tell me not everyone can be saved?

@lexie / direction

I should remember to save my messages, think that timed out, i'll try to remember what I wrote.

I think everyone can be saved, it just maybe that your not meant to be the one doing the saving, ultimately you cannot help anyone unless they can help themseves you can be right in every possible way, but until they learn for themselves there is nothing you can do. It like watching someone you love and you see that there heading for a fall, but there is nothing you can do to stop them! They have to fall so they will learn, and the hardest part of all is that they have to be the ones to pick themselves back up. They have to do the work, but you can help in little ways, by being there for them, so they know that if they do need help then they can come to you.
Yes its hard to sit back and do nothing, we just want to go in and save them tell them all their problems and how to fix it, but it does not work like that.

Thanks Lexie, well, after all this time after posting that... something has happened and really lifted my spirits. Unfortunately... this has meant that, you were indeed right... not all of them can be saved. But by God, I know, that I will never stop trying, ever, to make them happy. It's in my nature.

Hello nevergoingtobealone, I have a bit of a problem with what seems to be a "hero" complex on your part. Utimately all of us are personal players in our own lives and we must individually want to change our behavior and our mistaken thought processes on our own. No other person can do this for them. You can't ride in on your white horse and slay the dragons.
That's not real life. You are not another person's savior and I find it grandeous thinking to believe that. Yes, you can be there for another person, but YOU CANNOT do this change for someone.

You are evidentally looking for women with problems, maybe subconsciously,that have disfunctions. Maybe a type of transference, but whatever it is, I cannot believe it is a healthy situation for you.

Whatever happened to you when you were younger, so nice it helped
you get better...but if you consider yourself a healer of other persons
wounds I think that is the wrong message to be atuned to.

When a person seeks counseling and they want to change, they will
work hard to improve themselves. The key is "do they want the change?"
Don't get yourself on an ego trip that you must save others....that's a job for a far grander, powerful God, not a mortal man.

Be Well, sorry to be so tough...but fella, think you've got it all wrong.

Hi Callmebj,

I am truly sorry that you see this as an attempt at me placing myself on a podium. An ego trip is so far from the truth friend, that would be your own opinion on the matter, not a true fact indeed. It worries you that I seek to save people? Then in turn I am worried for you that would seek an offence at such an offer I will always extend. You need to understand that, yes, I have saved others, not just in a mental mindset scenario though, but in anything in life. I have saved others physically too, so you have mistaken me for something else, my concern is only about these people. I don't flaunt anything about what I do, that would be the ego trip you describe.

I don't actually take offence to your disgruntlement. But people can be saved, and if you prefer to sit back and let others who cannot help themselves - lose, then that is merely your own choice. Some people do want change, but cannot.

On the part of your assumption I am looking for 'women with problems' sounds to me like you have plucked a tips and tricks line from a self help book. I help anyone, and I have, children, men and women. Depression is only the first where I have been unable to turn the tide. People can ride in on their white horses and save people, I've seen it and my job even dictates as such. When others hit a wall of 'ultimate reality check' like you, I feel sorry for them, like they have given up. I will never give up. You can disagree with my standing, but you cannot break it with remarks I want any form of glory from it. I do not care for that, only for the people I help.

Finally you cannot bring a debate of God onto a subject based on man. You are talking, because you are a human, you have your current opinion because you are a human with free will, everything we do, is because we are human, I will aid and save people, because I am human. God in-fact, does not save people in relation to how you so accurately described: "Utimately all of us are personal players in our own lives and we must individually want to change our behavior and our mistaken thought processes on our own. No other person can do this for them." Even people who accept God into their lives, which in turn saves them sometimes, is still them, making a choice, OR being guided thus.

If you do not understand how I can do such things without any notion of selfish self fulfilment, then I see no need to talk with you.

Hello, it looks as if you took great offense to what I have said. Sorry that you have; but tell me, how do you do this? Also, I can see how physically you can save someone, by giving help in a drowning or CPR but other than this...I can not understand how you go about saving a person from themselves. Yes, encouragement, yes aiding them in their time of need, yes being a shoulder to cry on, but actually saving them????

I've been a part of cheritable programs and have had a hand on lifting someone up
with financial or emotional problems...but I did not save them. A altruistic
endeavor is a part of the human spirit....but I guess I have met someone recently who pictured himself as a great helper and hero to other people...but actually a very
selfish person who wanted to pat himself on the back. Deserving of kudos for his actions instead of the weird person he is in trying to "control" others. Sorry if I made that comparison.

I have also met others who are in constant neediness and can be helped on occasion,
but if left to themselves will "not" take responsibility for their own basic needs at any time. Are these the type of folks you try to help? Not trying to sterotype people here, but maybe you can tell me how this has worked for you in the past? I'm older and likely more jaded on the human condition than you are. Some few folks need temporary help and can get the ground solidly under their feet with a bit of help.
But there are differences and some would drain another of all resources, emotional and financial and that would never be enough to meet their neediness.

Are you in some special field that has trained you to get through to people? How are you applying your help to others? Not trying to be ugly here, trying to understand how people claim to "save" others.

Never mind, no explanation needed.