[greenfairy]

i am in a relationship right now and i feel like theres this constant pressure for me to change, to be different, better. its not something i imagine because the person i'm with frequently voices his opinions about me, that i need to be more stable, that i need to get myself together, and if i listed everything he expects of me i'd still be typing in an hour from now. i've been open about myself, and my past, about the fact that i have difficulty trusting people, that i think very little of myself, that i have issues with intimacy. i just dont know if i should put my foot down and say just accept me the way i am or leave. if they did leave i would be devastated, but then again the pressure to change every aspect of myself is starting to make me a little crazy. lately i'm afraid to be honest when i'm having a panic attack or feeling anxious because i think to myself, its going to be another checkmark on his list of my faults. i'm trying desperately to get my life together, to be a better person, to be reliable and dependable and about a million other things, but i cant control this aspect of my life. i can not make myself stable and its frustrating the *&^% out of me. i take my meds, i do my breathing and still i have the panic and the fear and i am driving the person i love away. what do i do?

[(JD)]

Hi greenfairy! If your conversations with the other are real conversations (give and take) then share with the other how you need them to support and encourage you...and maybe offer suggestions on how you would best like to hear that (what words, phrases.)

It's good to have someone in our corner rooting us on, it's not good to have someone who sits in judgment and demeans us. Only you can make that determination in this relationship, imo.

Since you've shared so much, maybe that is part of your panic. This person now feels like they could be a threat to you, with all that information? That could cause panic, imo.

Making ourselves better people is a lifelong goal. Be patient with yourself. Write down your goals, and watch yourself check them off as you go... I'll bet you'll find you've already come a long way! TC

[Lexicon78]

It sounds like this guy is trying to mold you. There is only one person you need to change for and that is yourself. You are trying your best and if that's not good enough for this guy, tell him that!

No, you don't have to leave him, but you do need to tell him how you're feeling about all his checklists and all that. Sorry that you have to put up with all this on top of everything you're dealing with.

Try to hang in there for now.