Why I will never get married

Bindings and promises are the precursor to betrail and betrail consumes relativities .

This is why I say people need not get married - the breakup will cause problems and even the binding between the man and woman will cause stress. It's all because of fear.

Example of why you shouldn't marry: The midlife crisis is caused primarily of a sense of loss and fear of the inability to change what has happened and the man must make things happen in the now to regain the youthful freedom he is denied. This causes a married man to go into mania that he has lost everything to a bound state of lifestyle. A sense of loss to the promiscuous youth and unbound others once he realizes he has thrown his life away and misery later in the fact that he has loss in a divorce his manic state has caused.

Key to all of you - don't get married, stay free. This is why I love poly amory. The root cause of the midlife crisis is the fear of being alone and the problem of binding tradition - Once tormented enough by a binding to one woman by tradition a man will see that he has betrayed himself and lose the wife. Notice how it is the first thing pursued: a young lady!

Well, Mike, I have to say, honestly, that I don't agree. I don't think marriage is as bad as you seem to think. I do agree, entirely, that most people, men and women both, make a big mess of marriage. Particularly these days. But if you can find someone whom you not only love, but in whom you have confidence, then marriage can be a good thing.

Obviously I'm talking from personal experience. My mother was the source of all my serious problems. It was clear from my upbringing that women were dangerous things. Couldn't trust 'em. Ever. Like Lucy, Charlie Brown and the football. They smelled nice. Felt nice. Were entirely stimulating to be around. But permanence? No way.

Then, by chance (it's always by chance), I met a girl at a party and the following week asked her out on a date. Then on another date. Et cetera. And while I wasn't thinking about it, two months later I KNEW, somehow I just knew, not only that I loved her, but that this woman could never hurt me, could never do anything to cause me pain. I didn't know why that was so. I didn't know how that was so. I still don't today. But we've been married for 42 years and she NEVER HAS caused me pain. Not once. Fights? Yeah. Arguments? Yeah. Pain? Never.

Don't be too quick to make up your mind. People are very, very different one from another. Even women. You never can tell. Nope. Uh-uh. There's one out there that will make you happy for a long time. Really. No kidding. Your heart will tell you. Not just that you love her. No. This is a different message. Your heart will tell you if she'll ever hurt you. That's the important part. Take care!

I think that if you don't believe in marriage then you should stick to that. This isn't the case for everyone, though.

I also think that our society is teaching people how not to be married. The high divorce rate is the direct result of teaching over independence and putting yourself and your wants above all else at all times. Making it "okay" to say, if I want this I should have it regardless of who gets hurt. I think this is true of both men and women. Our society is very "me me me" and not enough "us and we."

The root cause of a lot of problems is exactly what you stated: my spouse is old and worn out. Time for a new one.

My mom and dad married at 40 and 41 respectively. They had never had any serious relationships (both were of the breed of people that just were outcasts that way.) They were both virgins. I was born a year later, and two years after that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, which she fought for 11 years until her death. My mom and dad had exactly what almost no one has now: real love, true love, undying love.

For the last two years at the end of her life, every night he would sneak off work to come home and make sure she was okay, at the risk of his job, which we needed to pay bills. Because she was more important. He stayed with her for a week in the hospital, the last week of her life, holding her hand until the moment she died. And now, 19 years later (tomorrow is the anniversary,) he still mourns for her and misses her just as much as that first minute when she was gone.

He's remarried. He goes along as best he can. But he waits for when he will be reunited with her.

My mom was not a beauty queen. She was hopelessly flawed. She talked to loud and too much. She wasn't a good house keeper. She was stubborn and liked to argue. She was over weight, walked with a cane, didn't wear makeup, and wasn't very fashionable. But my dad accepted her and loved her for who she was. And I don't think very many people can say that their spouse is that way for them, or that they feel that way for their spouse.

So yes, the midlife crisis is "me me me." That's exactly the problem.

Quite the interesting take Mike. Question: do you imply "poly amory" to mean polygamous relationships? If that is the implication then your statement makes sense. You don't want to be married to one person when you have an affinity for women. Matter of fact, I commend you for having that outlook if that is the case. Please DO NOT get married if you want all the women in the world because you will only break their hearts if polygamy is your thing. ON the other hand, if that's not what you mean, please elaborate on what you do mean because I don't think it's sufficient to say that a man being married to one woman is an absolute cause of his midlife crisis.

i think do what fits best as long as the other(s) is on board 100%.

I am afraid that I will never find love, and without love, why bother getting married?

generalities annoy me no matter what they are. Sure, you may see the generalization that everyone needs marriage as silly and ridiculous but I see your generalization that nobody should get married the same way.

I think you should read the book The Unbearable Lightness of Being. It is essentially the tale of several people in marriages. They feel tied down and miserable being in this suffocating marriage. So they leave. However, the loneliness of being alone (a.k.a. your version of 'free') is often times worse than what we perceive as problems in a marriage.

The thought of marriage being this awful thing indicates a paralyzing fear of abandonment and actually an internal issue with yourself - not with the institution of marriage. What about people who stay together for a long time but never go through with marriage? They are in the same situation minus a piece of paper. Why is the act of marriage the end all be all of misery?

IMO, your view on relationships is entirely cynical and is not about personal growth and love. With a view like that, a midlife crisis doesn't matter because it sounds self-absorbed already. I agree. For you, marriage probably isn't plausible.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. The posts in the relationships forum confirm just how wonderful. Those who profit most from marriage are lawyers.

I respectfully disagree. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Without a sensible partner to ground you in reality, that mid-life crisis is likely to turn into "that time when that weird old guy spent all his savings on an autographed guitar, tried to start a rock band, and dated the naïve neighbour-girl until she turned 21 and broke up with him because she could buy beer on her own." You get the idea...

Youthfulness is for the youth. And fear is for the weak-minded.

To say fear is for the weak-minded is an unconscionable generalization, especially from someone who likely has never experienced it.

Elan - it is unfair to make those comments about people in this forum. I am assuming the sarcasm I sense is intentional. You are making comments about people who post here for, sometimes, very minor issues and sometimes very major - none of which cannot be solved. This forum does not say marriage is a waste of time or a bad institution. This forum does say that people care about others' success in their marriage.

But who wants to be institutionalized? Ba-da-BUMP!

Sometimes the truth is not popular.

And thus the statement makes sense coming from me, because I don't have a conscience...

Glad to see there is no shortage of narcissism here.

MikeG - it is good to make your own life decisions based upon your own experiences and I wish you the best. Others of us also make our own decisions and have found there are a variety of outcomes.

IMHO - we all have a voice and should feel free to express our thoughts, concerns and ask for help in PC. Some of the responses here don't seem to fit into the guidelines of the forum.

No ones forcing you to get married especially since you like the poly amorous life style. Are the women you're involved with, aware you don't want monogamy and do they also have multiple partners? If that's what you like, then don't get married..... but not necessary to make the blanket statement marriage is bad. I wonder what an unhappy married woman would say. I've been burned but wouldn't want to be cynical to men or marriage. I guess its all about sex.