Is a phone relationship cheating ? He said it was not.

I have been married for 12 years and just found out my husband has been calling, texting and i think Skyping a girl he met on line. Some times calling her up to 30 times a day and texting up to 100 times a day. He is in the military and is stationed in another state. I moved back home because he was being deployed so much and I was so lonely in just another state where i knew no one. I moved with him for 10 years and just wanted to reconnect with my family. Well now he is saying it is my fault because I left... he didn't care I was lonely or that our son had no relationship with my family. He wanted us there when he got leave.
So thats what I am asking is it cheating? I have been crying and throwing up over this for a week now. Can I ever trust him again?

i think he is emotionally cheating on you, he is getting emotional support from the other worman.

It doesn't matter how anyone defines it, it matters how it affects you and your relationship with him.

Good for you for wanting to be with your family. It sounds like you should be doing things that are healthy for you.

I agree with gashly. It doesn't matter how you define it, it matters how it effects your relationship. If most of his attention is towards some random person he met from the internet and not his family, then there are issues lingering in the relationship that need to be addressed in order for the relationship to be saved.

I think that was cheating. He looked for love and affection from another woman, of course it's going to hurt like hell. And he's deluding only himself if he thinks that phone relationships don't count. I'm really sorry.

(((hugs)))

Good on you for letting yourself and your son to have a relationship with your family, Sounds like your husband is maybe lonely, No excuse though and he knows this, It is no wonder that you feel sick.I would say it is cheating.

May be you ought to give him more time, may be he feels lonely. Even if u have to stay in another state with your family, i think u can always stay connected with ur husband via phone and skype etc. Tell him you'll be available for him whenever he needs you and that you need him too. I hope it helps.

Unfortunately, no you can't. You will always question and always doubt, even when he tells the truth you will ask yourself if he is lying. It will always be the "what if" game and you will become emotionally drained. If it's not something that can be worked out (which more than likely it can't) you should evaluate everything, take some you time and make the best decision. I went through this. I stayed. And everything I tell you now was exactly how it was. Granted everyone is different, but most of the time it's a pretty spot on conclusion. Make a bucket list of all the things you love that you've stopped doing to make him and your family the epicenter of everything. When you're done making your list (ok top 5) go do them..alone..and revel in it. This will help you get through..

Yes, he is cheating and it is just as damaging as if he had sexual contact with her. The reality is we can never fully trust anyone 100%. That is just the reality. I would seek a good couples counselor who will address the infidelity if you want to remain married to him. If you don't, he will do it again. Make him do the hard work here, he stepped out on his marriage.

another vote for cheating and then to add insult to injury hes telling you its your fault.

Looks like you already know what you think the answer is.

And this is unfair?

You left him.
Then he filled the void you left with someone else.
Q.E.D.

Of course it"s cheating; phone call and skype? that is intimacy with another woman...one day they will meet and do the actual...if they are intimate in communication then they will find a way to materialize it and even if they won't really meet, it is still an act of transferring his emotions to another woman and there would be a possibility that if she finds another woman around him who can give him attention then he would cheat...

Yes, it is cheating. Emotional cheating is just as damaging as physical cheating, actually, and with skype you can talk via web-cam if you have one. So there is that whole thing, too.... It is understandable that you went to stay with your family while he's deployed, that doesn't mean you left him. Being deployed is hard on everyone. Surely you could still go to where he is during his leave.

I feel similarly to you. My husband isn't deployed but he spends all day on skype with his friends. Even when I'm in the room talking to him he has his headphones on. Some of his friends are college age girls.... he doesn't seem to talk to them much from what I can tell but there is one girl in particular I wish would just disappear from his life. He had a picture of her in her underware that was supposedly photoshopped to be funny, which he only told me about after it was deleted. I just struggle getting past that. And I know he was talking to her on his birthday.....

Anyway, I hate skype and I really feel for you. I'm so sorry this is happening. It isn't your fault!

He does not sound like a strong person, husband, or father to me. Marriage is a partnership and he has taken another partner. If he can do a phone relationship with another woman, why not with you; I do not see any way he can justify his behavior such that I would credit it as being "innocent".

Ow gosh I won't allow my husband to do skype when I am around...and friends? what friends? they are flirting....I hate skype too...
This is the worst problem I have with my husband too...we are apart but very much in touch, he keeps me away from following him in the net and I suspect he is "skypeing" his women...suspicions because I cannot prove it but already is tearing us apart...I agree, skype is offensive for wives whose husbands stay in the net and enjoying their skype...

B"H

hello there...

I wanted to reach out to you to help validate your feelings and hopefully make you feel better about the whole situation. Do I believe his acts rise to the level of cheating...ABSOLUTELY. This is emotional cheating which is worse than physical cheating in many ways as he is giving himself to someone else in a intimate way which is ongoing through each day, week, and month. Thereby, he is neglecting you in the intimacy department. I can only imagine the torment you feel which is demonstrated by your state of mind and stomach.

I think you need to think about what you want and what you need. Make a list of all your needs and wants from emotional to financial to family support to physical needs and beyond. Next, evaluate whether or not he meets each need or want and to what degree. I think an inventory of your needs and wants will tell you how much, if at all, you need him. If you decide you want to be with him, then you need to initiate communication with him. I am sure your top need is for him to stop communicating with this woman. I think you need to tell him what your needs are. Tell him what you want from him. Ask him what he needs and wants from you and your marriage. You may need to see a counselor if you mutually decide to stay together as communication and compromise are going to be the essential things required for you two to negotiate the terms of your relationship.

There is the possibility he is going to say he needs your physical presence while he is on leave. Is that possible in any way. He comes to where you are so your son can keep his life routine normal and stay in school. You can go to him if it is summer and he is on leave. I am not sure what his reasons for initiating intimacy outside your marriage. It could be he was lonely. While this is no excuse, you need to find a way to help fill that void. He has a responsibility to do the same within the marriage. This is not your fault, and I am not implying it is in any way. But, you may be the solution and key to prevent it from happening again...if you want him back.

When trust is broken, it can be re-built if both parties are committed to the process. I am trying to help you get to that process if it is what you discover you want. I think the first step is to think about yourself and take care of yourself first. Doing the inventory I discussed above will give you the answers. Speaking with him about what he wants is the next step. Going from there is either to call things quit as you do not have compatible needs and wants or to do the hard work necessary to redefine your relationship vis a vis negotiating and compromising wrt both or your needs and wants. If you both want it badly enough, you can re-build your relationship and strengthen it's foundation in the process. I am only being honest in saying it is tough work either way. So, if it is wrth it to you, you can try and fight for him by communicating with him. He needs to fight back for you as well. While the problem is one-sided and hurting you, the solution is two-sided and will be hard work for both of you.

I think it is difficult to just answer the question with a yes or no as to whether you can trust him again. The answer to that lay within the method of your resolution to the suggestions I gave you. I wish you well in your search of yourself. I have been through something similar but different. The solution I provided is the method we used to find our way back to one another. I on
y now realize it was the method. I was just going through all the motions of the method when it happened to me and it worked.

I will end by saying, you are completely justified to feel as betrayed, hurt, isolated, angry, and pained as you do. His behavior is a violation of your marriage vows. he needs to direct his energy, time, and focus on you, his wife, not some substitute piece of ***** he stumbled upon. He should not even be somewhere where stumbling is even possible. Unfortunately, the Internet and cell phones have opened many doors to make these types of relationships possible as secrecy is much easier and there ate plenty of scummy websites set up to enable these relationships...just look at the Craigslist personals section for starters. I imagine there are many more that cater to fostering these types of relationships. No husband or wife is abiding by their marital vows if they are engaging in similar behavior and activities.

Just know, by virtue of the supportive responses as well my own, you are not alone in this world. There is a community here that will support whatever road you take from here. I offer my personal support as well...just private message me. You have to take care of yourself now as you did when you made the decision to move as this is your life and you are the driver. You have a son who relies upon you. I hate thinking how sick this is actually making you. Take care and be well. I send you a gentle hug.

Sincerely,
Sloane