[want2shine]

Hi folks,

I am upset by something and wonder if you might have some different views or opinions, or experiences that will help me understand my husband better or at least the situation.

What do you think about husbands (or wives for that matter) who complain to their friends about their partners. I know that I have been guilty of the same but I feel less inclined these days because I want to fix issues with the person involved rather than 'talk' about it to others & not resolve anything even though I may feel better for a time.

So therefore, it upsets me whenever my husband tells me he's been talking with his friends about our problems - either sexually (differing drives) or about me being this or that, or our fights. It makes me feel really devalued to know that he does this, even when he does this with his closest friends. I learnt tonight that he talked about the usual 'not getting enough' banter with a colleague, obviously drunkenly at their xmas work do.

I understand his need to release & to talk to friends. It's probably a good thing that he does this rather than be unhappy. But at the same time, I don't feel that he's being mature about being in relationship by doing this & I don't feel at all respected.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I just lighten up & accept it as a male thing? But you know, it worries me because it seems like there's something fundamentally wrong about this need to take problems outside? Am I wrong to think that? Guys, what do you think is happening here? Do you feel this is a healthy release in relationship with your wives?

Thank you.. look forward to some perspectives x

[Alcinus_of_chell]

Guys, what do you think is happening here?

I just want to start with the statement that I'm taking that as a request for Male input.

I think, supported by some quotes from your post that YOU are the problem.
The parts that I noticed were

Originally Posted by want2shine

I learnt tonight that he talked about the usual 'not getting enough' banter with a colleague, obviously drunkenly at their xmas work do.

And

I know that I have been guilty of the same but I feel less inclined these days because I want to fix issues with the person involved rather than 'talk' about it to others & not resolve anything even though I may feel better for a time.

The first seems flippantly dismissive of what is, it seems to me, a fair concern that you should probably be talking about.
And in the second you admit that you have done the same thing, while you then go on to say that you feel "devalued" (the quotes simply indicate that the word is yours, they do not express an opinion of the term in context).
This looks hypocritical to my mind, you spend so much time saying how bad this is when he does it and yet don't seem to consider that he might view it the same way, or more likely that he views this as no big deal as you view the action when you take it.
The final thing I notice the passage where you talk about 'fixing issues', Resolving issues between you is of course a good thing and necessary for a good relationship, but it seems to me that in relation to the above that you are really trying is to 'fix' him, which is counter productive.

The good news is that this problem is a simple fix, you two need to talk, you need to listen to him and he needs to listen to you, then you need to work out a solution to your problems that is acceptable to both of you.

Good Day.

It is not unusual for a person to need to discuss his/her relationship with someone outside the relationship. In fact it is healthy, necessary. But broadcasting intimate details, such as you describe, is beyond the pale. I have one very close friend for that kind of disclosure and no one else and even then, I only use rather broad terminology; anything more detailed-such as "not getting enough" would indeed be highly disrespectful so you are right to be concerned and should confront him about your concerns.

Hi there, I actually commend you for trying to understand your husband and situation. Does he work to understand you, and why you might just not be in the mood as often? Also, you seem to be able to admit your mistakes which is pretty mature behavior in my opinion. I believe if all he is doing is complaining about what he doesn't get and how he perceives you to be to his friends, then yes, he's wrong. If he is genuinely trying to get input or receive some good advice to really fix the issues he has, I can understand that. From what you described as drunken banter about not getting enough, that is disrespectful, and honestly if he talks about you that way, he shouldn't expect you to want to be with him intimately. I think it's common for people to take their problems outside of the relationship, but it's not a healthy release. If he wants physical intimacy, then he needs to give you emotional intimacy and security, and that means respecting you when he's talking to his friends about you. His behavior is self-defeating, and don't excuse him by trying to convince yourself "it's a man thing."

[lad007]

I don't think it is good to discuss our marriages with others, unless it is a positive comment. It is a really bad habit to get into, nobody is perfect and I know I am not, but I would not tolerate my husband discussing it with others, especially our sex life.
I used to go to work every day with a new complaint, and decided to stop as it is not a productive use of work time, and devalues my husband, and our relationship.

[Perna]

The not-getting-enough banter when drunk with guy friends sounds like it is not about you, personally, and I would try to learn to differentiate between that and truly personal things.

No matter what is said, an actual relationship is wholly personal and cannot be conveyed to another. If a friend or loved one tells others "about" you, that is not you in actuality in that relationship because the others are not there, are just hearing a story and, since it is allegedly about you, they are not hearing it from you so it is not even your story; you are not what other people say about you!

Other people talking is always about them. What another says is their opinion or viewpoint. If a guy says he is not getting enough, that is about the guy and his inability to love a woman in a way that leaves him satisfied, not about the woman and what she is doing.

But I do know what you mean about feeling talk of you is spread around outside of the relationship and I would talk to your husband and work with him to get him to stop that bad habit of his, solely because you do not wish yourself and your marriage to be talked about. That is not an unreasonable request and I would make sure your husband knows you would like him to stop talking about you and he with his buddies. However, he can still talk about himself; he is "allowed" to talk about himself all day long and not getting enough. . . that's about him; just teach him the difference between his not getting enough and your not giving enough and let him know he can talk about his problems to whomever he pleases but not about you and how he feels about you, except to you.

[want2shine]

Thank you all so so much for sharing your thoughts, experiences, opinions & advice! I really really appreciate your views and have given all some thought. I am truly grateful -- thank you!!!!! :-)

[Justme_55]

This is a recipe for disaster, there's always two sides to every story, my husband had friends of 15 years that became part of our family when I had met him. When he treated me like crap and I stood up to him he'd whine to them instead of attempting better communication with me. They eventually developed their opinions of me and stated that I wasn't "good for him" although it was because they expected him at their house at every whim and he was neglecting his home life, when he stopped coming over at every need I was then the enemy. To be honest you're marriage and any issues are no one else's but his and yours to contend with and it should stay that way! If he needs someone to talk to, get a Counsler.

[Irreplaceable]

I think that it is ok to vent from time to time....In fact, I think it is normal...However, I would have an issue with my SO giving personal information about me or our relationship...Especially if he isn't coming to me about these issues...Instead of running to your friends every time something doesn't go your way, communicate with me what is going on or what I'm doing wrong...I don't think that one should get in the habit of constantly venting or complaining about a spouse...Because as Justme said, people can form their opinions about you based on what he says....They are getting only one side of the story... And also because it shows lack of communication and it can damage the trust...

Justme hit it right on the head....I have gone through something similar...My SO doesn't vent or complain to his friends or family about me....However, all in the name of "Keeping it real" ***insert eye roll to the high heavens*** he has told them some things that I said or did...Well in the process of "keeping it real" folks start to make their own assumptions of you...All of this then can spiral out of control and end up having people all in your business when in all reality, they have no idea what is going on in your relationship...Opinons form and before you know it, this come can in between you and him...People have their opinions of me....And those opinions have been formed over the 8 years we've been together...And there are some people that I'm not comfortable being around...Because of things that they know of or because I feel a certain way because I'm the ****** or mean one...

Again, it's OK to vent to certain friends, but you don't need to divulge personal or certain information...Outside people should not know the specifics of your relationship...That is between you and your SO....

[want2shine]

Thank you for your additional comments Justme & Irreplaceable!

Yes, I too have noticed myself wanting to distance myself from one of his friends, feeling shy about what they've been discussing & feeling also a need not to have to justify myself to a friend of his you know? But I don't want to live that way and don't want to feel that I need to justify myself so I'm going to forget it & let it slide. I've taken on board the fact that people will only ever get one side of the story unless they really know me and live with me, and knowing this makes me stronger & feel better about myself (because I know I have the good parts as well as the bad). And I had forgotten myself to believe in my positive contributions too... perhaps one of the reasons that led him to do so also.

I have since let my hubby know how I feel about discussing private details about me or our relationship outside and feel positive that we'll be able to deal with our own issues together, in time.

So.. thanks again all for letting me question & for discussing this issue with me. I felt that I was doing the exact same thing -- going to others about issues in our relationship but as Perna said: it says more about me than about him... Ie, the fact that I needed to post & gain feedback shows me some things about myself (& my insecurities) too! It's been really helpful having this discussion with you all. Thank you for sharing.