[ivalice82]

Hello. I guess I'm not really looking for any advice, but just for someone to listen since there isn't anyone I can talk to about this.

There is a person I've known for a while and we used to talk all the time. We hung out, had a lot of fun, we were just good friends. Ever since he "fell in love" with this girl though, things just fell apart.

From what he told me, the girl is a liar and a drug addict. She has stolen money from him, called him an asshole, basically just didn't treat him all that nicely. The thing is, he fell for her and thought that somehow he could "save her" and stop her from doing those things. Eventually she was the only thing that was ever on his mind. We used to talk about so many things, but now it just always became about her. He didn't listen to me and if I tried to tell him about my day, it would just go straight back to her and about all the things she did that he didn't agree with. But I thought whatever and I just tried to be there for him.

She told him she loved him but was with someone at the time. She lied to him so many times and it was always upsetting him. As a friend, I hated seeing this. I couldn't tell him who he should or shouldn't be with, that's certainly his choice. But I did mention that I didn't think it was a good idea, that I didn't think he should be treated that way by anyone. A few months ago she pretended she committed suicide and stopped talking to him. And that's when we stopped talking. He told me he didn't have anything to say to me anymore and we stopped talking for a couple of months. During that time he hired a private investigator to find out what happened to this girl, tried to contact all of her friends and family. Eventually he found out she lied to him. But then they did start talking again and she told him she wanted to marry him. This was of course another lie, she was still with her boyfriend. He found out later on that she was leading him on. Then out of nowhere he decides to contact me after these few months, but only to tell me that he's going to see her again and that if she decides to kill him, he'll be fine with it because he'll die in her arms.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel as if I'm losing this friendship because of this girl, like he just decided I'm not worth talking to as much as this girl and tossed me aside. And after listening to him and just being there for him, it still didn't matter. This girl was just way too important. She's worth a plane ticket, even a private investigator. And it just hurts me to see him think that she's even worth his life after everything she did. I felt powerless sometimes.

I tried to talk to him and work things out, but he said I'm just insecure and I don't understand because he thinks I've never been in love, but that's not true. I'm not trying to say I'm jealous or that I'd ask him to choose between her or me. I'm sad that he lets himself be treated like this. And I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do or say and I don't want to lose our friendship over something like this. I just want what's best for him. I can't judge, maybe this girl had some good moments, but I don't think anyone calling him an asshole deserves that much attention from him. But he isn't talking to me again. He just wants this girl. And I don't know what to say anymore.

Well thanks to anyone who has read this. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

[Yoda]

I don't think there is anything else you can say to help him. Find a better, more stable friend.

[Leed]

I have to agree with Yoda. He is so "stuck" on this girl that nothing you say or do will matter to him.

I have a feeling that this "affair" with her will fade in time. He's bound to get tired of her lies & cheating unless his self-esteem is so low, that he figures he deserves this kind of treatment!

I think I'd give the friendship a rest for now. In time, he'll come around with his tail between his legs. Besides, I think you can find someone else to pal around with that isn't so co-dependent on someone else. He really isn't terribly healthy, mentally!

Best of luck & God bless. I hope things work out. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[Callmebj]

Hi, I have to agree with the other two posters on here. He is into a toxic relationship and is not self protective enough to turn away. I would advise that you be self protective of yourself and steer clear of a friend that is unstable in his relationships.
You've advised him, he did not listen to a clear message.

[Perna]

Hi, invalice, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

It sounds to me like he is "fascinated" by the drama she provides; maybe he feels more alive being batted about like she is doing to him, let's call it the snow queen syndrome (Did you watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363771/)?

If you don't enjoy watching train wrecks, don't go where there are train wrecks? It could be that watching this is easier for you than finding someone who enjoys and wants to be with you. I use to read a great many books, vicarious living of another sort. Leave off watching other people's lives and engage in your own.

[hoping4best]

I think there are some guys out there who like to think of themselves as "saviour" may be, and so they try with all that is in their power, to help out the girl who is involved in self destructing behaviour who takes the guy for granted or is too busy in messing up with her own life to appreciate any sincerity shown towards her. But let me tell you something. There's ALWAYS a limit. No matter what the guy says ,he will (any normal person will) get tired of her mind games and drama.

If you love him, let him know about it...

[ivalice82]

Thank you all for reading my story and for your comments. I really appreciate it.

Perna, I didn't watch the movie, but I did read the book and it's definitely one I really enjoyed reading. And I see what you are saying.

I think I will give this friendship a rest for now. I hope that someday things will be better and he can let this go, at least for himself.

Thanks again everyone.

[sandworm]

A friend will only stand in your way when you are on your way down.

....

I feel you may need to stand in your own way, as your continued
commitment to him is poisoning your health.
Let him know you are there for him, while he is willing to keep the
relationship >mutual< and healthy, but you need to be healthy for him and you insist
he be healthy for you... if not, you are doing the rest of the world a disservice
by denying it your 'good' YOU have to offer by him
weakening your greatest potential.

SW

[sandworm]

Have you read Aesop's fables, the gardener and the dog who fell in the well.
The gardener tried as he might to rescue the dog was rewarded with bites.
Finally the gardener replied "who am I to stop so determined a suicide".

Some people, the moral of the story is, are bound and determined by their hostility and
obstinacy to drive all healthy and sane people from their lives and will self-destruct if
they do not choose to mend their ways.

SW

I think you are tolerating alot of abuse,something that is well beyond what friends tolerate.I think you seem quite stable in your personality from the way you have chosen to view your situation and how you have expressed it.I think you need to really think about what you want from a friend.What sort of friend are you? A pretty thoughtful and intelligent one I presume.Please consider your personal value,and how you treat others,to determine just how much really is reasonable to tolerate from this individual.I mean ....do unto others...you know?My real concern is that if he has chosen these behaviors once....you will likely see a pattern,and with his withdrawal,and then utilization of your guidance ....when it is convenient....as well as the romeo juliet bit...I would consider him as being unpredictable,unstable,and inconsiderate.Bottom line,you are a much better friend than he has learned to be? idk....take my words with a grain of salt...as I too,am highly dysfunctional.Best wishes to you with your concerns,and for the holidays! WO.olf

[ivalice82]

Thank you for your thoughts sandworm. I don't want to just abandon him because he was a good friend to me. He is someone I care about and I've told him this. But in the end I think you are right that this is poisoning my health and is making me extremely unhappy.

wolfsong, this is actually not the first time something like this has happened, but it is the first time he has gone extremely far. So this could be a pattern.

[FrayedEnds]

Hi ivalice. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Reading your description of your friends behavior reminds me of a friend of my husbands. This guy (I'll call him Joe) chooses women that come with crazy amounts of drama time after time. He'll meet a nice smart beautiful girl...and if she's too normal he'll find any excuse to stop seeing her. Just in the last year he's 'dated' 2 herion junkies, a married mother of 3, a compulsive liar/theif and a drug dealer.

I think Joe is addicted to this type of relationship, but in the 15 years that I've known him I have never been able to understand why. i couldn't begin to count the times he's come over to visit and just unloaded all this drama and pain from his current relationship. I like this person, and feel bad that he's upset...but at the same time I just get so frustrated.

So my advice is to try and move on and put your happiness first, especially since you said this is not the first time something like this has happened. He's so wrapped up in her problems that nothing else is in his thoughts. Why would you want your only conversations with him to be about her and what he'd do for her and how he feels about her? I know you said he has been a good friend in the past and it is possible that he may be a good friend again in the future if he's able to give up on this girl...but I'd be concerned that he'd be drawn to this type again.

[ivalice82]

Thank you for your thoughts FrayedEnds. I think you described it very well and that is exactly how I feel. Eventually I just became upset and frustrated all the time. The last time we talked I felt like he was trying to make excuses for her and justify her actions.

Anyway, I hate that this happened and it bothers me. But I think I will try to move on and put my happiness first. These aren't the kinds of conversations I want to have and I don't want to have them with someone I feel like isn't listening to me.