[greenfairy]

okay. this has been a bad few. . . what? days maybe, weeks definitely. lifetime? yes for sure. my son is sick my car is falling apart my husband is about to leave for the weekend. i was supposed to have a biopsy today but had to cancel because i'm going to be alone all weekend. and i'm on the phone and this person is communicating how i need to change and get myself together and finally i started to cry out of just complete and total frustration and my friend said, forget you. goodbye forever. why now, with all the hurt and pain i'm already feeling. why now, when all i need is a &^%$ing shoulder to lean on and somebody to say hey, youre going to be okay and i'm here for you. i seriously give up. what is the point in trying to change? its always now! now! now! not a few days or five minutes or a month. i'm dealing with so much, a disintegrating marraige, financial instability, a future thats a complete unknown, and this person just washed their hands and walked.
self-worth? i feel like a worm right now. lower than that. a one-celled organism whose existence is rather pointless. i now have to deal with my day with this huge gaping hole in my life because i couldnt change fast enough. holy crap if someones there, can you just say something nice. anything, i feel like i'm going to cry my eyes right out of my head and i need to get my *&^% together because my life cant fall apart when theres so much that needs to be done.

[Rhapsody]

Dear GreenFairy,

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I am here for YOU and I want to tell you that YOU are SPECIAL and worth living and worth loving.... life may knock you down, but your inner spirit will lift you to heights beyond your imagination.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[mpathia]

I can definitely empathize with you. For that reason I’ll share my thoughts. I’ve lost ties to my friends and my family. I lost the support of my co-workers and ultimately, lost my job. While going through a very bad period in my life, I had no one there to support me. I truly had no one. Not only that, but there were some people who actually seemed to make it a mission to make things even harder for me. I wracked my brain trying to figure out why, but could come up with no feasible answer.

So, why is it that the people you think will be there for you suddenly disappear? The only thing I could come up with to answer that is that it’s a part of human nature. Not the best part, but probably something to do with the fight or flight theory. It’s so much easier for someone to “walk away” or shut off. Sometimes it’s because, they themselves, are going through their own issues. Sometimes, I think, they just out and out get tired of dealing with things that cause them any emotional distress. I don’t think it’s done out of malice, but no matter, it still hurts the recipient.

This is when it becomes up to us to try to be strong. I know it’s easy to say, and harder to do, but it can be done. Just try to remember that, ultimately, you are your own caretaker. It won’t do you any good to lament over the situation if it doesn’t produce any positive results. Cry, most definitely, and then gather yourself up and realize that as much as it hurts, it won’t kill you. Think of all the things you have endured already and realize that you did make it through all of them, even if the memories still remain.

I am truly sorry that you are going through all of this. Sometimes things seem to all happen at once, which makes it even harder. It’s easy for other people tell you to change, because it would probably suit them better. However, it’s your life and it’s you that need to decide whether or not that’s constructive advice. Just because it’s someone’s opinion, doesn’t make it the right thing to do. I’m sure your inner strength and wisdom will carry you through this tumultuous time. That’s where your self-worth comes from. Sometimes it just falters under pressure.

So, if I can offer any kind words to you, they are to tell you that, yes, things will get better and, yes, everything will be okay.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope it gets better for you soon.

(((((((((((((((greenfairy))))))))))))

[eskielover]

((((((((((((Greenfairy)))))))))))))))))))))

I can truely understand your feelings. I am going through similar feelings. Just last year at this exact time, my Mother died from cancer. I was with her 24/7 for the last month of her life & was the one that had to tell her that it was ok for her to die & that she would never be able to live the life she wanted to while her congative abilities were not there & only feel that I felt a squeeze of her hand when I was finished talking to her. During that time, I was dealing with anorexia & was hospitalized for several months having to go AMA just to be able to go to her funeral. I caught the home care nurse stealing her ID I went through all kinds of police issues including having the nurse call them to accuse me of abusing my Mother. I had no one who would believe me & even my husband would look at me as if I was crazy.....my pdoc blammed it on my anorexia & my psychologist had his own health problems that left me with no support. The Dr's, social workers, & no one would even support the fact that I knew my Mother was dying. My friends felt that what I was going through was just a figment of my imagination...of course things like this only happen in TV shows that are imaginary. My exhaustion was beyond what I could handle & the ER;s would say you need to spend some time in a spa to relax since relaxation at home was impossble with 13 dogs & 5 horses to care for.

Everyone refused to support me & I felt like I was going crazy. I knew what was going on, but how to get anyone else to believe left me feeling like I had no one on my side since no one believed me. No one could even agree on what kind of treatment I needed. I felt stranded & with my mother dead, I had no one since I was the only child & there was no one else in my family for any kind of support. I felt like an orphan & my husband who knew I was in the process of wanting a divorce was definitely not there for me either. He cared enough to bring my dogs down to the hospital to visit because they are the only ones that I have with love that is unconditional. My horses couldn't be brought that far, but at least I had the love of my eskies.

I understand the feeling of being completely alone & no support & even those that supported me during the funeral, as soon as the funeral was over, I never heard from them again & thay were family. The funeral was another story because my Mothers boyfriend (my father had died 16 years before) was the neighbor of the RN that did the ID theft & the pastor of her church threatened me to stop filing the police report against the RN so I wouldn't let him have anything to do with the funeral. I told him he could have a memorial service for her for all the church but I wouldn't allow him to do the actual funeral. He insisted that he was doing the funeral & just couldn't understand the fact that he wasn't going to be part of the graveside service....then when he realized what was happening, he suggested doing the graveside service. I had to keep the church people & him away from me because I couldn't allow trust anyone that had knowledge of the RN to be anywhere near to me so kept the actual funeral to close friends & family. Leaving people out of the whole thing left many people away from me & not being able to share my feelings with my husband because of our divorce situation really left me completely lonely with no one to share my feelings with or even able to express what I was going through. I realize how you need a hug......so here is a huge((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))), & hopefully some understanding of how lonely you are feeling at this point. If you need to PM to express your feelings in a little more depth that it seems possible is just a post......I am here to listen & hopefully be able to give you some support......I hope that I can do that for you. You are really going through a rough time right now, & just to have an ear to listen to you & give you a few words of understanding, I hope I may be able to help you a little if you feel that may help you.

Right now, I am in a partial hospital program Mon, Wed, & Fri in order to help me get some of the horrible feelings I have inside out & get some feedback from others who are also having other types of problems. It really helps & I don't know if there may be a hospital around your area that might have a similar program......it is really great. I do get emotionally exhausted & have to take some days off, but it is a wonderful program that exists for all types of insurance including medicare which I have.

Please take care & remember, I am an ear & hopefully someone to give some soundback to help you through this rough time. They keep telling me that this is not a permanent situation & I will get better even though it doesn't feel like it right now & is hard to believe. but. I have many animals that need my care......13 dogs, 4 horses & 1 on the way any day now, so I can't afford to allow my horrible feelings to control me......but it feels impossible right now, so I can really feel how similar our feelings are.

If I can be of any help, please PM me if you feel there are things that are more difficult to express than in a post. I will try my hardest to be of as much help as possible.

Take care of yourself...you are not the only one that is feeling this way at this point in time....& I care how you are feeling....hoping that maybe just a few words may help you get through this rough time.
Thinking of you......hugz,
Debbie

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((grenfairy)))))))))))))))))
we are sorry you are going through this dificult time our thoughts are with you and big hugs to you and yours
katheryn

[greenfairy]

i dont know what i'm doing anymore. i honestly dont know anything. this is perhaps the most senseless post i've ever made but i feel like i've been knocked in the head with a great big hammer and have lost all ability for rational thought. my husband is miserable. he hates his job, he hates my problems, he hates our poverty. . . and i guess maybe i should make a list of what he doesnt hate as it would be considerably shorter. and my parents think i should leave him. they keep telling me to walk away, go back to school, put my life together. and for a while it was like i was brainwashed. i had stars in my eyes. . . the endless possibilities. i didnt walk away from him, i just tried to change, gradually. i put one foot in front of the other, kept my horse blinders on as my mom says, and it was like seeing the other side of the fence. . .perfectly green grass, evenly mowed, beautiful beds of flowers. then it kind of got yanked out from underneath me. the support system i thought i had packed up and walked away. and i fell apart. and then i realized that so the hell what. i wont be a doctor or a lawyer but i have a husband who knows me, with all my miseries and faults, and sticks around anyway. i have two great kids. i have a crappy apartment but its a roof over my head. so i say okay to reality and life moves on. then today its like the return of the prodigal son. suddenly i'm not alone anymore. my friend decided he wants to help. mom is picking up the phone every five minutes to check in to say hi to give support. its like someones turning the life support back on but i'm already dead inside so whats the point. not sure if this post has a point, other than that i feel like my hearts been broken twice. why do people just walk away, wipe their hands clean, and then turn around and say, ooops i made a mistake. you cant rip someone to pieces and throw those pieces in the garbage put the lid on and walk away and then say oops, i didnt mean it. i already accepted that this is it. this is as good as it gets. i am alone. and now all of a sudden the support system and the "love" has returned. i dont know what to do with it. i just want to toss it out the back window. i dont want to care anymore because i dont think i could survive more pain. does any of this make sense?

[rebecca8]

(((((green fairy)))))))
I LOVE fairies, and this might sound weird, but I really do believe in them. Does anyone else here believe in fairies?
I think we can relate to what you're going through. I too just went through a similar thing with my friends. Doesn't it feel like you're trying to run underwater or something? The people we choose to be in our lives are there for a reason. If you're like me, and THINK THINK THINK all the time, you'll figure it out, and when the storm is over, you'll realize that you HAVE changed, and are a better person for making your way through it. If you need support, we are always here. Everything is going to be ok. Wishing you some relief and a moment of peace.
Rebecca

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i dont want to care anymore because i dont think i could survive more pain

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Makes sense to me. I can quite understand how the support returning is almost as bad as it leaving in the first place.

Sorry you are hurting so much right now.