Friend is sick

I have a very good friend who has a lung disease.

We met several years ago (2005?) on a forum for people who have adopted children from the state foster care system. We've only met in person twice, but we've talked on the phone a lot. We used to spend hours talking daily.

A couple of years ago our friendship was becoming less intense. My son, who was a teen when I adopted him, was moving out of the house and therefore I didn't have the kinds of ongoing problems I used to talk to Sherry about. And her sons, who have very serious psychological problems, were living with her mother, so she didn't have the need to talk as much either.

During the time we were talking a lot, I noticed that she'd developed a cough. I told her to see a doctor since it wasn't getting any better. She made light of it and didn't see a doctor. Then a couple of years ago she told me she'd had a lung x-ray during a routine physical and there were lesions all over her lungs. The doctors thought it was lung cancer, and they were running tests to confirm it.

Now my friend (and her family) handle stress by cracking jokes. I knew she did this. In fact, after my older (biological) son was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she made some jokes about it which upset me. I don't see the humor in a serious mental illness - particularly when it's just been diagnosed. So anyway she started making jokes about dying of lung cancer and telling me the jokes her sisters had made. I just couldn't join in the general merriment over possibly losing a good friend who wasn't yet 40. I tried to remain neutral because I knew my way of reacting would be as upsetting to her as hers was to me. But one day I couldn't stand it. I told her I loved her and I didn't want her to die. Well, she didn't talk to me for about a year after that.

Eventually we did resume contact, though it's not as intense as before. We text occasionally - seldom talk on the phone. I've wondered about the lung lesions issue, but I've never asked about it and she's never offered anything... until last night. Suddenly in the midst of a texting session she said, "I am sick of breathing through a straw!!!" I asked why she was breathing through a straw, and she responded, "My lungs suck then to add on any kind of cold that affects your lungs is omg!!!! Hate it. Feel like is overwhelming the fact it will never be fine. Only better than today (maybe). Feeling a bit sorry for myself." I told her how sorry I was that she was suffering, and she said, "Thx for your sympathies i may be turning into a sympathy ***** now that compliments are out of the picture" (because she's gained so much weight; she used to be very, very cute, but doesn't feel like she is anymore).

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I ask too many questions she'll cut me off again. But it isn't in my nature to ignore a serious illness. I know that she's somewhat estranged from her mother. She used to think her mom was the greatest in the world. I always thought she sounded like a self-centered abusive lunatic, but I never told her so. Now they have little contact, and I'm not sure what happened because it was during that period when she wasn't talking to me.

I know she's very broke right now (financially). She has 4 adopted sons. The oldest two are about 11 and 13 - brothers who are extremely disturbed (just to give you an idea - they've poisoned and killed her dogs, burned her house down, have sex with each other, other children and animals). The youngest is about 5, comes from a developmentally disabled mother and is autistic. The second to youngest is about 6 and is the most normal of the group, but both his biological parents are dx'd with sz.

And now I know that she's sick with some kind of lung disease, and I'm afraid to ask her what the disease is, the treatment, the prognosis - even to express sympathy. What do I do?

I don't know that you have to "do" anything? Just listen? Feeling like you are breathing through a straw sounds like it would be very uncomfortable. Your response that you were sorry she was suffering was fine! Take what she gives and ask questions if you like, while on the subject; she will be able to tell you if she welcomes the questions or would rather you didn't ask, etc. Just keep in mind it is her illness and your "need to know" is very secondary and about you, not what she may want or need?

She brought it up, but I'm not sure if asking more is the right thing. That's the tricky thing about communication. If I said something like that to a friend, I would hope they would ask me to talk more about it. If they didn't ask, I would be hurt and think they didn't care. I'm not sure if she's the same way, though. And especially when you're texting. You can't pick up on the tone as well as when you're speaking to each other. Then she made that comment about turning into a sympathy *****. Does she want sympathy? Or would that overwhelm her?

I disagree that my wanting to know more is about me. I really just want to offer her what she needs. I'm just not sure what that is.

I had a friend once whose little girl died of cancer at 6. One day I was complaining to him about my son who was a teen at the time. Suddenly it occurred to me that he'd just lost his daughter and might not want to hear me complain about my son - who after all was very much alive. So I stopped mid-rant and apologized. He got really angry and told me that he didn't want to be treated differently because his daughter had died.

So, back to Sherry, I've been texting her a lot about my problems with my mentally ill son. Now that I know that she's very ill, I feel like I should stop doing that. But then I don't want to start treating her differently because she's sick. Maybe she just needs to be treated the same as always? But it seems freaky to me to continue just acting like nothing's different when she's told me she breathes through a straw.

I see why people "disappear" when they find out their friends are sick. I feel totally inadequate. I strongly believe that what I would want in this same situation is not what Sherry would want. If I told someone I was breathing through a straw because my lungs aren't good, and all they said was 'sorry you're suffering,' I'd ... I don't know. I think it would hurt me to my core. That would be my opening for them to ask questions. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't want questions. And if they simply returned to our regular conversation as if I'd said nothing more earth-shattering than, "I have a hang nail," I would think they were cold and insensitive. But my prior history with Sherry around this very issue makes me hesitate to offer more than the most perfunctory sympathy.

That is what I am saying; you cannot know unless you ask her! It is her job to tell you about herself, what she wants, not for you to "guess". If she does not want to talk about it, she will/should tell you that when you ask her. If she does want to talk, she'll talk. We are "allowed" and it is right to ask others questions, but we have to remember, they do not have to answer if they do not want to or they may find the question more personal than they like, etc. That's how we learn about others, by talking to them and, at first, that might mean asking some questions about them.

I imagine for you it is scary because of her reaction last time? That was hers, there was nothing there you should have "known" before or did wrong. Her response probably did not feel very good to you and now I'm telling you to be vulnerable again, put yourself out there again to ask her now, what she wants/needs/is going on with her. She could get ugly again, you don't know but that is always about her, not about you! You are concerned and that does not change into something ugly just because her response is ugly! In other words, you are acting in good faith.

Different people cope with serious illnesses in different ways. Her way (that is learned from her family) is to shrug it off and laugh about it. In a way this works pretty well to cope with the pain. She just doesn't take it very serious, while it really is very serious. If she goes through the day with less pain this way it's a good thing for her.

You two seem different is this aspect. You are more serious, want to talk about things. While she jokes about it. You can't ask her to change of course. All you can do is be there for her, and be there for her in a way that fits her personality.

You should really ask her if she wants to talk about it. You can keep guessing about it, but that will just give you an headache. I don't think anything bad can come from asking her if she wants to talk about her lung disease.

Costello,
You are going through so much in your own life/son I hope that you can find the peace of mind you need to endure your own challanges. I would sugest contacting a social worker and get him on some kind of disability with ss. before he becomes an adult. Or you can contact NAMI national association for mental illness. Your son is going to have to learn to live in this world with his disability and these org. can help with that. And these org. can help you also. My mother suffered from schizophrenia and I did my best to care for her, even though I was a teenager with a child of my own to care for, I had to put her in the hospital. I needed to do it for her but also myself. It hurts and is not an easy fix but it's a start.

Sick Friend,
Don't say I'm sorry unless you have done something that you are responsible for.
I hope you feel better is more positive.
You can ask your friend if there is anything I can do for you.
This opens the door for them to tell you what they want/need.
This is your way of offering a sympathatic response.
If you ever read my bio it only tells one short period of my life.
I would tell you don't feel sorry for me I am not looking for sympathy I've heard it so many times it makes me feel awkward slightly freakish.
I tell my story because I want to share it. It helps me get it out of me and if by sharing my experiences helps one person feel that they are not alone, then all of my suffering has some positvity.

Thanks, happydaisy. My sons are both grown. My older (bio) son is 26. My younger (adopted) son is 20. My older son - the one with sz - is already on disability. He sees a therapist and a pdoc and takes medication.

That must have been very difficult for you.