[JLarissaDragon]

My soul and heart are full of pain today and I am really depressed . I reached the saturation point for the verbal abuse that I have been receiving from my adult stepson who lives in my house.. I cannot be called every swear word in the book so I finally reached the breaking point. I let him have it and told him off. Now I am totally depressed. As usual I got told and made to feel that it is entirely my fault and I am getting really depressed. At least that is the way I feel. I got the message loud and clear that no one is on my side. As usual I will go it alone without support. When it comes down to the bottom line my needs take last place. My spouse who I dearly love is no support what so ever, in his opinion , he is a perfect son who can do no wrong. As a result he puts up with the crap and blames me for every a conflict.


I know my stepson is sick and on disability and needs to be here right now, so I really try hard to accommodate his needs and cut him slack. No one seems to acknowledge that I have feelings too and that I can’t just keep sucking up my emotions that are continually abused by anger, profanity, put downs, sarcastic comments and ridicule. I hate being the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong around here.


I am really traumatized right now, which is what happens whenever someone yells and screams around me. I grew up listening to loud verbal outbursts. I cringe and wish I could be a thousand miles away when it happens My husband minimizes his behavior, claiming that he is just passionate, but still I am afraid I just try to keep away as best I can and not rock the boat. But I feel like I am constantly walking on eggs. Right now I am trying to focus on not doing anymore damage and pray for wisdom & forgiveness need to establish Somehow I need to establish boundaries but don’t know how. I am open to all kinds of suggestions.

[Caretaker Leo]

May I suggest attending Al-Anon meetings to you? Even if your stepson isn't using, it sounds as though he is manipulating you. And your husband is blind to it. Al-Anon is a group that will help you take care of your own sanity and help you learn how to set the boundaries and make the choices so that you can live a happy life - and we all deserve to live a happy life!

[1butterfly]

Have you asked each of the people ;who are "not on your side",for a clear explanation of why they do not support your views on this situation?I have to really wonder why it is that multiple persons witness this profanity,put downs,sarcastic comments and ridicule,and all appear;in your view,to be unsupportive toward you.Have you asked them?Do they fear him?I mean what is their position in this?If you say "My husband,whom I dearly love….",there is a reason why you feel this love for your husband,I mean he obviously makes you feel loved.So begin with him.Ask him if the two of you can go for a meal away from the house in order to chat about this.Ask what his feelings and reasonings are.Ask him if he has any idea why you are not being defended or supported in this by the others in your circle of family/friends,it really sounds as if there is a lot which is not divulged here for consideration.I am so sorry that you are feeling traumatized,unsupported,and as if you must walk on eggshells.I will look for your replies.Hugs.

[JLarissaDragon]

Thank-you Leo and Butterfly for your suggestions and help. I really appreciate you taking time to respond to my post. I really do not have any other family close by. They are all 170 miles away. My stepdaughter is actually very supportive and agrees with me. She is afraid of her brother and sort of ignores him most of the time. Since she feels that she is the brunt of his anger.
My stepson is not an addict as far as I know-although he uses medical marijuana, which I am no fan of either. However there is a set of recovery groups that are sponsored by a consortium of churches in our region that I am going to look into. I am almost afraid to go though. I would probably need to do it without telling anyone at least at first or I would probably catch heck.
I am continuing to talk to my husband when we are alone, but he is in a lot of denial. I am wondering what I can do to break through. Also he travels a lot for work and is not always around. My nature is to avoid conflict wherever possible, it has just been pretty hard to do lately.
I feel like I should be able to make things better. I work hard to be compassionate and caring The more I try the less appreciated I feel.

[Perna]

I do not know what your stepson is yelling and swearing at you about but I would practice "listening" to it out of curiosity, to see what it is all about; whether it is actually about something you have said or done or just "noise" from his pain.

I imagine your stepson does not have many words to express himself and is very frustrated about his situation and is sort of like a person with Tourette Syndrome with vocal tics, who cannot help himself very easily and just randomly swears (coprolalia). I would work to not take most of what your stepson says personally, not by avoiding him but by responding positively when you can (if he has a legitimate complaint or appears frustrated because he cannot do or express something) and "recognizing" him when he speaks. Looking at him when he speaks and saying things like "I am sorry you feel that way" said sincerely can probably go a long way to maybe calming him some or, asking if there is anything you can do to help (rather than automatically assuming you know what he wants or needs). If he says there is nothing you can do to help but "get the f*#$ out of my face/room" then saying, "I would appreciate it if you did not speak to me in that tone/fashion/way/with those words" and looking at him to make sure he hears you (and he may swear at you again, which means he heard) and then leaving, lets him know that speaking to you poorly will get you to leave. If you have to, leave in the middle of whatever the two of your are interacting about. Just say, "I do not wish to discuss this with you while you are swearing" and leave. That gives a clear message/boundary.

I am a little unclear if he has physically threatened you? That cannot be tolerated at any time, no matter what. If you have to, your safety comes first so call the police.

Other people yelling can feel very frightening but before I understood about anger I still realized that yelling is just yelling. Feeling frightened is uncomfortable but will not actually hurt me (unless there is an actual physical threat). If I can listen to what the other person is angry about, try to understand the other person and focus on them it is like learning one can understand a foreign language and instead of being so frightened, I begin to feel competent in navigating difficult situations.

[JLarissaDragon]

Thank-you for your helpful comments. I am working on establishing boundaries. It is just hard, because Anger and verbal abuse trigger a lot of anxiety. It is hard for me to keep calm or keep from crying. When he yells at either me or his father " the f*#$ out of my face" I try to answer calmly that I cannot allow you to swear and speak to me like that. Then I just leave and go to another room and try to calm down. I hope that is setting a boundary but it doesn't do much to change his behavior.

I am still trying to sort out what is real and what is my stuff from the past. I went through a lot of emotional abuse growing up from both my father and brother. I am sure that it must also trigger things now. I did have a talk with my husband about how I feel and he actually listened too me. I am not sure he knows what to do though. It is not my nature to be combative and judgmental. I just want things to work for everybody, but sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

[1butterfly]

He is an adult.I would tell husband,draw some boundary lines for my protection,or choose.I would have an alternative place to go to.If a man will not stand up and say to another male,you may not,under any condition speak to a woman,my lover/wife, this way,or anything on your behalf,what does it say about your safety and relationship?Where is your security emotional and physical?