[lastyearisblank]

Btw I will preface this saying that I invest a lot in my friendships and we have been friends for 13 years... this is a friend that no matter what she needs I try to be there for her and she says I am the "best" friend she has. I really want to maintain this friendship but don't know how to strike a balance btween being nice and speaking up.

I am really having a problem with how my friend treated me and at the same time I feel GUILTY. I have similar problems with a lot of people usually based on me overextending myself and then feeling mad other people don't do the same for me.

Lately my friend has had a lot of success in work and poor experiences in dating. Me and my boyfriend spent a lot of time with her this week consoling her for a bad date that she had with a dude she was obsessed with.

She kept saying, "I'm pretty and I go to X school why doesn't he like me!" And my and my boyfriend supported her.

Meanwhile I am really hurting b/c I have decided not to apply to X school and to follow a less traditionally success-driven path for my PhD in a field more suited to my interests, and my friend keeps saying I am "letting myself down" and that "friends don't let friends take the easy route." She is way into titles and this is a quality we have shared until recently. I am really worried she is going to reject my friendship over this. She has also told me my boyfriend sure is cute, handsome and nice but "am I sure he will provide a good life for me." I was really hurt, and am not really sure where my own boundaries lie in that respect.

I was really upset especially today because we were supposed to have dinner before she leaves to go back home but she rescheduled it 2x over the past 2 days.... she has been awol... and then I find out on FB that she and a different guy that I have been encouraging her to date went to a movie with some of our friends and that's why she cancelled. And we had talked about going to see that movie!!!!

I feel so so hurt right now and don't know how to manage this. I was supposed to go over to her rental appartment and pick up the clothes she borrowed from me for New Years but I just called her and said "keep them" because I don't even want to see her before she goes. And she said, "is everything ok?"

Help me get a grip, PC!!! I don't want to be anyone's emo friend but I feel very sad right now, like my friend is rejecting me for my choice of boyfriend and job. How can I stop these thoughts?

I think you have a right to be angry or sad. From what you've described, you're putting forth all the effort and she's taking it for granted. You should address these issues with her... or try your hand at some underhanded Machiavellian ****. If she's a good friend, she'll understand and make efforts to be more kind. If not, you shouldn't stay in a friendship with someone who takes you for granted... Just my humble opinion.

[roads]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Help me get a grip, PC!!! I don't want to be anyone's emo friend but I feel very sad right now, like my friend is rejecting me for my choice of boyfriend and job. How can I stop these thoughts?

You can't stop the thoughts, & they seem valid to me. I would tell her we need to talk, that things aren't okay btw you & need to be addressed. I'd go down them as you have here in your post ... print it out for her, if that works for you.

A 13-yr friendship is worth putting a lot of effort into keeping. I would this one. You will know whether you've reached a point when any more effort is wasted. If that point, sadly, is reached--cut bait. Fast.

I wish you the best.

[unaluna]

It sounds to me like she's not being a worthy friend to you. Her judgments regarding your job and your boyfriend are shallow and sexist. I think she expects you to judge her and her new guy and find out she failed again - that's why you weren't invited on the movie outing. I don't know why everything is a competition for some people. I had a friend who had me "beat" on EVERYTHING - as soon as I got a job close to home, I had to end our friendship, she became INCREDIBLY hostile towards me. I mean she had EVERYTHING - incl vacations on the French Riviera and we are in the US, so that is not that usual!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I feel very sad right now, like my friend is rejecting me for my choice of boyfriend and job.

You cannot control what others think, feel, or how they act. You like your choice of boyfriend and job and what your friend thinks should be so much nattering if you have thought it through and found what you believe is right for you.

If I were to say you should go to school X you would be puzzled, I do not know you or school X or the school you have decided on or anything.

Your friend is somewhat similar; she can have her opinion of where she would like you to go but she is not you! Next time she gives her opinion on something in your life, thank her for her opinion but tell her you are not interested in discussing it with her, you have decided what you want for your life and are quite happy with your decision.

[TealOrca12]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Btw I will preface this saying that I invest a lot in my friendships and we have been friends for 13 years... this is a friend that no matter what she needs I try to be there for her and she says I am the "best" friend she has. I really want to maintain this friendship but don't know how to strike a balance btween being nice and speaking up.

I am really having a problem with how my friend treated me and at the same time I feel GUILTY. I have similar problems with a lot of people usually based on me overextending myself and then feeling mad other people don't do the same for me.

Lately my friend has had a lot of success in work and poor experiences in dating. Me and my boyfriend spent a lot of time with her this week consoling her for a bad date that she had with a dude she was obsessed with.

She kept saying, "I'm pretty and I go to X school why doesn't he like me!" And my and my boyfriend supported her.

Meanwhile I am really hurting b/c I have decided not to apply to X school and to follow a less traditionally success-driven path for my PhD in a field more suited to my interests, and my friend keeps saying I am "letting myself down" and that "friends don't let friends take the easy route." She is way into titles and this is a quality we have shared until recently. I am really worried she is going to reject my friendship over this. She has also told me my boyfriend sure is cute, handsome and nice but "am I sure he will provide a good life for me." I was really hurt, and am not really sure where my own boundaries lie in that respect.

I was really upset especially today because we were supposed to have dinner before she leaves to go back home but she rescheduled it 2x over the past 2 days.... she has been awol... and then I find out on FB that she and a different guy that I have been encouraging her to date went to a movie with some of our friends and that's why she cancelled. And we had talked about going to see that movie!!!!

I feel so so hurt right now and don't know how to manage this. I was supposed to go over to her rental appartment and pick up the clothes she borrowed from me for New Years but I just called her and said "keep them" because I don't even want to see her before she goes. And she said, "is everything ok?"

Help me get a grip, PC!!! I don't want to be anyone's emo friend but I feel very sad right now, like my friend is rejecting me for my choice of boyfriend and job. How can I stop these thoughts?

I agree with the other replies that your feelings are valid. I would be upset and hurt, too. I would confront her about the cancellation of plans and be honest about your feelings...

As for her judgmental statements about your relationship and educational choices...it's none of her business. Of course, sometimes it's hard not to be personally affected by things our friends say. I think sometimes people who are insecure about themselves project this onto others to feel better- not to put a judgment on your friend, but this has been my experience. It sounds like your choices (PhD program) are the best for you right now, and that you're happy with your relationship--and perhaps she is jealous of that since she hasn't had luck with dating...so she made a statement like that to make herself feel better about her situation.

I wish you the best with this situation. It sounds like it is worth it to try and patch it up. However, I have learned that sometimes we have to let people go in our lives when we outgrow friendships or they no longer contribute positively to our path..best of luck!

[lastyearisblank]

Thank you for your responses guys I have read all of these very carefully and appreciate each one. I feel more validated knowing that I am not coming out of nowhere with this.

Now that the initial hurt from that day is over, I am feeling like a confrontation is not going to solve anything and in a weird way I don't want to make my friend feel bad about something that she can not change, so I have decided not to talk to her about it yet. I agree with the posters on here that this behavior is coming from a place of insecurity which is precisely why I feel like it would be hard to talk her out of it... without making her feel more insecure. I've decided just to wait until this phase- if that is what it is- is over and see if my real friend comes back or not. And I hope she does!

Thanks again for the reassuring words.