[freespirit7]

Hello there,

I am currently living with my boyfriend of 6 months in India. I joined him here a month ago and I'm getting more and more frustrated. He is British, and have a very good income from his house that he rents out. He also has various savings. Life in India is ridiculously cheap, and we will stay till end of April. I noticed whilst we were in the UK that he doesn't like to spend his money at all, which did not affect me too much at the time. I was a full-time university student but I had clients for massage, so I was OK with money. After that I went travelling in Peru, and I am now in India with him.

Now I have limited amount of money to spend for the next 4 months before I return to the UK. So, I was extremely upset when I was robbed in our home: my expensive camera, and many other things disappeared. Non of his stuff, because he kept everything in the safe, but he didn't put my things there. I had no idea that this quiet place could have thiefs, so I wasn't very worried about hiding my stuff. However, when I discovered what happened I was extremely upset, for I have not much valuables left. I was rubbed many times recently, must be some bad karma I guess....

Anyway, he did nothing to make me feel better, all he said he was sorry that he didn't put my stuff to the safe, too. Unfortunately, I have no extra few hundred pounds for another camera at the moment. Not to mention the many other items the thiefs took...

I had a boyfriend previously, who would buy me anything I needed. I remember when I lost my mobile on our 3rd date, the next day he bought me another more expensive mobile. Or anytime I lost anything he always replaced it for me. I miss him very much, because he always made me feel special and communicated his love towards me in many ways.

My new boyfriend talks and behaves in the same way with everyone in his life. He calls everybody "darling, babe, love, etc...". I don't mind, but I want him to make me feel at least a little more special than anybody else in his life. I give him lots of love and cook for him, etc. I do everything a woman can do. But he takes me for granted, and he things he doesn't have to do anything to make me feel better. He starts to read a book if i am upset, and he says "oh, I have to separate your issues from mine...". He read somewhere that if anyone has a problem they should deal with it, it's not his problem. He comes to India for many years now, and has lots of friends here. I have no friends here at all, but I am trying to blend in with his friends, do my best I can even though sometime I feel it's tiering and I put on a smile when I don't really feel like it. But I do it to make him feel good, and I don't want to give him "headache" about me feeling slightly lonely here, because I feel the lack of connection with people here (mainly from UK).

Now, this man is 25 years older than me, a matured, bright person. He tries to deal with everything in an intellectual way, and this slowly drives me crazy. He always finds a reason why he shouldn't treat me differently from other people, why he shouldn't buy me things, etc.

I can't stand it! I do like him a lot, in fact before I went to Peru I told him that I feel that I'm falling for him. He was happy to hear that, but he said nothing back. And ever since, he never told me he loves me, all he says: I like you more and more every day.

I think I need more than that, but I don't know what to do. WHen I'm single I don't miss presents or little treats from anyone. I feel stronger even. But when I am with a man I would like to feel special.

Basically, other than his stingyness he is OK. People like him, he is calm and layed back. Sometime I miss his "free child" though. He is in the "adopted child" state most of the time, and very serious. When he laughs I don't feel that it's a proper laugh, and I don't think he is relaxed as much as he looks like. I talked to him all about the aforementioned issues, but he always gives an explanation and we end the conversation with me having to accept that he won't change his habbits (being stingy, for example...).

My question is: what should I do? I don't want to leave him, because we get on well in the mean time, and we have great sex life, too. I just miss that one little part of being treated sometimes. After all, I'm 32 and he is 58 (but handsome and charming)..................

Since my former boyfriend I couldn't form a proper relationship, and I think it's because I would like my man be like he was, generous and wonderful with me and others, too. Deep down I know that this is the main problem really.....

The age is not a problem, I like older man. Not the first time....

Thank you for any replies!

[Uncodable]

okay I think that you need to except that this guy is not going to change.
Saying that think hard that if he can't or wont change will you still want
to be with this guy?
I think you should ask him to sit down with you talk to him
about what you want and what you need from him.
don't talk about why he doesn't buy you gifts and that sort of stuff just say something
like you want him to make you feel special.
idk if I helped you out or not but that is what i think you should do

Jake

[ShootingStars]

I'm afraid you only have two options left: accepting he won't change and live with it, or moving on and waiting for someone who will show you he loves and adores you.

If you talked about it so much, and he still doesn't get it...I don't know. Sometimes love isn't enough, or in his words: "liking". I mean, i can understand after 6 months (you're together for 6 months right?) he's not ready to say he loves you, but he could show you, couldn't he? Even just saying he's falling in love with you, or showing he loves you.
Love, to me, means that amongst other things, you care about that person and want to see them happy. Not: "deal with it by yourself". I don't even talk to my friends that way.

What I would do if I were you?
Talk to him about it one last time. Write it down before you'll talk, so you can tell everything that's on your mind, otherwise after you had the talk, you can think of some other things that you wanted to say but didn't say cuz you didn't think about it at the time. If he just says: babe, I'm not gonna change, bla bla bla. Then sorry, but I deserve to be treated like a girlfriend. If a guy doesn't treat me the way I wanna be treated, I'm sorry, but he can leave.
You can always have moments you're like: wtf? what are u doing?
But if that are just a couple of moments, it's fine. It's when you get that thought every week or more that something isn't right.

We can't tell you what you have to do, only what we would do in your situation.
Good luck!

[freespirit7]

Thank you for the replies, I will try to talk to him once more and tell him that I'd like him to make me feel "special".... The thing is, when I tried to communicate my feelings to him earlier he said he needs time, bla bla bla.... What for? I've no idea! I personally think that it is much easier for him to say that this is him and I should accept it. He doesn't seem to want to change his ways, and he is quiet egocentric.... the world should spin around him really..... I guess it's just the way he always was, he is a musician and lived alone till he was 40 because he didn't want to deal with women's stuff. So, I guess that tells everything really....

Thanks again and all the best for you!

[seeker1950]

Freespirit...I'm going to speak bluntly 'cause I've been there/done that more than once in my time. This man is NOT going to change, period. He is all about taking care of himself FIRST, and you will always come second (or further down his list of priorities). Just look at the concrete example of the issue with the safe, being robbed and left with nothing, while he protected HIS stuff!
I really suspect any attempt you make to talk to him in a heartfelt manner will just get more frustrating responses, or even hurtful ones....like this is your fault, or you have to deal with it, not my problem, yadda yadda yadda, blah, blah, blah.
The matter of his stinginess alone should be a deal-breaker for you. I also know from years of experience how oppressive it is to live with such a person.
Gather your stuff, get some friend or family member to wire you some money, and get the H out of there. You don't even owe him an explanation. Seriously!

[ShootingStars]

Yeah well, I said "talk to him" because I feel that, if you don't give it one more last shot, you can think: what if I tried just once more?

But if you don't feel the need to do that, what's stopping you? Love? Hm, if he makes you feel like that...
If he's being a selfish little pr***, and doesn't put you as number one priority, then think about yourself and make yourself a priority to you

[freespirit7]

Thanks again, your e-mails made me smile :-)

I'm wondering what holds me back really.... It may sound crazy, but I'm actually amazed to observe him. I guess I just wait for the right time, and also, I want to figure whether it is just me expecting too much... We talked a lot about childhood things, we both believe that many issues in one's life arise from there. Since my parents passed away when I was 9, (my grandparents raised me up), I always felt the lack of love - as a child needs it. I guess my expectations somewhat come from that feeling, the need for nurturing. So, I wondered: if I can accept that I grew up without the sufficient amount of love, care, and attention, should I accept the same thing in my relationship? Is it something that I have to work on? Not to expect the nurturing from others, but try to find it within? This is a big one for me, because I also don't want to be or sound like I'm needy or greedy. Why can I not accept that a relationship is not about receiving lots of care and attention, or little treats, etc... He told me that I have a pattern of being spoilt by my ex. He, of course, thinks that it is an issue that I will have to work on. Once again, probably because he has no intention to spoil me...

I really don't know anymore how a normal relationship supposed to be... And I also don't know how can one achieve self-nurturing. It is difficult for me to make myself a priority, except when I am single. In a relationship I'm constantly worried about making my man happy and content, but this should happen without any expectations, right? Karma-yoga....

ANy thoughts on this? Thanks!!

[ShootingStars]

I believe that the relationships you had in your childhood are an indication or directs your expectations of relationships when you're older.
In your case: you knew your grandparents loved you, but they didn't show it that much (if I make the right conclusion ofcourse), so you're kinda used to it, you don't know anything else.
It's a good thing that in a relationship you turn "me" in a "we", but don't make it a "him". I think you kinda lose yourself in a relationship and when it's over, you realise you're still your own person, with or without him.

I advise you: if he doesn't make you happy, treat you like you deserve to be treated and know you can do better (maybe you don't know it but I do), then go. Walk away from it.

I don't think you're expecting too much. It's like, in this relationship you're in now, you make it about him, and he makes it about him, so that's two people that make it about him, which is great for him cuz he's Mister Important.
A relationship should be about giving and receiving (now I sound like Joey in Friends, lol), and it's a two way street. Not: him receiving and you giving, no, he gives and gets, you give and get.
Now you should GIVE him the finger (or whatever) and GET outta there
If that is what you want and if he's not making you happy, cuz someone out there can make you happy and can make you feel worth it and loved and will make an effort for you.

And about the observation, I don't wanna compare him to anything but...If someone likes to observe monkeys, they're not going to the zoo everyday, right?

[Callmebj]

It's called a significant other. At his age and seemingly arrogance, he is not treating you as though you are that significant in his life.....but on the opposing pole, you are doing
a good job. One way relationships can't work, you love him and he love him too it seems.