I want to talk to someone. But I can't. And it hurts, it's killing me. Each day is worse than the last, I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I hate myself and NO ONE understands ANYTHING. I hate that they are always talking about stuff that upsets them, and I can't say anything because I can't trust anyone. I promised my mum I would never ever self harm ever again, and I did it. Because I am pathetic, and a failure and I hate my life. I know I probably sound like a spoiled teenager, I'm sorry. I have concerns for numerous mental illness (schizophrenia, ocd, anorexia, depression etc), and I just want to talk to someone, anyone.

School found out after teachers saw me being depressed and saw my cuts, so they talked to me on three separate occasions, and now think I am absolutely fine. I'm worse than ever. I see no hope in anything, I am paranoid of everyone's intentions, I have low self confidence, I starve myself, I still self harm. I am not looking for sympathy, I just need to vent this out.

It got too much and I told a close "friend" and another person. She couldn't stop crying which made my depression worse, but now she thinks I'm fine and when I look depressed (I try not to) she tells me to "cheer up you emo". That hurts. She thinks she has terrible problems and thinks no one is as confused as her (she's gay, and is always hinting it to people). The other one said she understood (she used to self harm) and I told her about my mental health worries, I thought I could actually trust someone. I was wrong. She doesn't even acknowledge my existence and ignores me. I don't like any of them any more, how horrible am I. I can't trust them, they are always talking about me behind my back, I practically begged one of them to stay with me in town when it was getting dark (I was on my own + I get anxiety) but she just walked off.

School told my mum who was extremely upset. I promised I would never do it again. I guess I lied. I don't deserve my parents, or anyone. I have insomnia and am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole which I cannot get out of. I'm scared, I'm really really scared. I have so many hopes and dreams but I can't reach them because of all this. I have really important exams coming up in less than two weeks and can't concentrate enough to revise for them. I'm a failure, and everyone knows it. I get bad thoughts and I think people can read my mind, so they are going to think I am a terrible person.

I prayed last night. It was midnight and one again I couldn't sleep and I was crying a lot. I prayed to God to kill me. I wanted it so badly, I still do. I just want a friend, I feel so alone all of the time. I hate this stupid world, I don't even think I am human. I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm not even religious, but I believe something is out there, a force of some sort. I pray for a friend, I want a true friend more than anything. This sounds so cheesy, but I feel alone all the time (I have no pets, siblings or cousins either, so I don't really talk to anyone). I also hate social events because of paranoia.

I have been asking to see a psychiatrist since I was 11 (I just turned 15), but I don't see the point any more. Everyone will just think I'm crazy and lock me away. I can't trust anyone enough to tell them my problems. I hope you don't think I am a coward. I try to be strong and brave, but I suppose I'm just a loser in this stupid world.

Thanks for reading.

[Open Eyes]

(((((((WelcomeToTheJungle))))))))

Your not a loser in a stupid world, you have personal struggles that you need help with. You truely must realize that your not alone in having personal struggles. You truely have to make it a point to stop holding your problems in, YOU DO NEED THERAPY. You cannot continue holding this in, you need to work with a good therapist that can help you find why you self harm and help you overcome it. There is a reason why people self harm and your not alone, many others do this. Please don't think of yourself as a failure, you are not a failure, you simply need guidance to help you address this personal problem.

I think you should go and see your guidance councelor and privately tell him/her that you need help in telling your mother that you need counceling. Your councelor can help you "privately" get the help you need so that you don't continue to feel hopeless and worthless. Believe it or not many teenagers struggle with issues where they DO need help, your not alone and you CAN learn to overcome this.

((((((Hugs))))))
Open Eyes

[LylaJean]

I completely agree with Open Eyes!! Somehow you need to find yourself help, and that's going to mean talking to your parents. Could you maybe just ask your mom to read this post? I used to have a really hard time talking to my parents about my issues, and so I would write them letters and leave them out in the morning when I went to school for them to find when I wasn't around. It worked. They got me counseling and never actually confronted me about it. (My parents aren't the type to talk about family issues) Keep us posted on what you decide to do, but please do something. Life can be so much better than how you're experiencing it.

[kindachaotic]

(((Welcometothejungle))) I also agree with all the above. The great suggestions of school talking to your parents, leaving letters to your parents. YOu do need help!!

I don't know know if you have any past trauma or these feelings may be there anyway. Do not let anyone drop the ball on this, you need help & sounds like you may have to fight to get it. YOu don't have to linger in this pain, it is not healthy to mask your agony in front of friends & who else you don't trust.

You say you have been asking for help since age eleven. That was very brave of you, but you need to ask again & be honest. Whether it's school counselor, school nurse, your reg doctor or straight out to your parents, it's time to tell them again you need & want some help.

You are not alone in your struggles, but life can really be so much better.
Keep reading the forums & keep posting!

Sending many kind & hopeful thoughts your way.

[HopeForBetter]

Welcome to the Jungle! I agree with everyone!!!!!! You know that you need help, and to all of us it appears that you would benefit so much from a councelor. Your life is totally worth it, and you can get so much more from life than being miserable. Keep asking for help, someone will listen!!!!! I'm sorry your friends didn't come through like you wanted. They are probably scared because they don't know what to do and they can't imagine having to deal with something like this. Also, I'm sorry that you didn't get the help you needed when you started asking. Keep trying because life can be so much better.

[Mylifeisdepressing]

WelcomeToTheJungle, you are not a loser. You are not a failure. You are not a coward. If anything, you are really really brave, for going through all this. I know exactly what you mean about all of it, I know it hurts. Please remember, we are all hear to listen and help you if you need to talk about anything (you can PM me ) and we understand. That's what I love about PC do much, is that everyone hear is willing to listen and actually cares, and that they understand. I don't feel as alone anymore. Is there a way you can let your mom know that you really need to see a doctor about this? If not, maybe talk to a guidance counselor or someone else who would be able to help. I hope you can find help for this, I know it sucks. Go cheer yourself up, go listen to Guns N' Roses some more.

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by WelcomeToTheJungle

I want to talk to someone. But I can't. And it hurts, it's killing me. Each day is worse than the last, I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I hate myself and NO ONE understands ANYTHING. I hate that they are always talking about stuff that upsets them, and I can't say anything because I can't trust anyone. I promised my mum I would never ever self harm ever again, and I did it. Because I am pathetic, and a failure and I hate my life. I know I probably sound like a spoiled teenager, I'm sorry. I have concerns for numerous mental illness (schizophrenia, ocd, anorexia, depression etc), and I just want to talk to someone, anyone.

School found out after teachers saw me being depressed and saw my cuts, so they talked to me on three separate occasions, and now think I am absolutely fine. I'm worse than ever. I see no hope in anything, I am paranoid of everyone's intentions, I have low self confidence, I starve myself, I still self harm. I am not looking for sympathy, I just need to vent this out.

It got too much and I told a close "friend" and another person. She couldn't stop crying which made my depression worse, but now she thinks I'm fine and when I look depressed (I try not to) she tells me to "cheer up you emo". That hurts. She thinks she has terrible problems and thinks no one is as confused as her (she's gay, and is always hinting it to people). The other one said she understood (she used to self harm) and I told her about my mental health worries, I thought I could actually trust someone. I was wrong. She doesn't even acknowledge my existence and ignores me. I don't like any of them any more, how horrible am I. I can't trust them, they are always talking about me behind my back, I practically begged one of them to stay with me in town when it was getting dark (I was on my own + I get anxiety) but she just walked off.

School told my mum who was extremely upset. I promised I would never do it again. I guess I lied. I don't deserve my parents, or anyone. I have insomnia and am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole which I cannot get out of. I'm scared, I'm really really scared. I have so many hopes and dreams but I can't reach them because of all this. I have really important exams coming up in less than two weeks and can't concentrate enough to revise for them. I'm a failure, and everyone knows it. I get bad thoughts and I think people can read my mind, so they are going to think I am a terrible person.

I prayed last night. It was midnight and one again I couldn't sleep and I was crying a lot. I prayed to God to kill me. I wanted it so badly, I still do. I just want a friend, I feel so alone all of the time. I hate this stupid world, I don't even think I am human. I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm not even religious, but I believe something is out there, a force of some sort. I pray for a friend, I want a true friend more than anything. This sounds so cheesy, but I feel alone all the time (I have no pets, siblings or cousins either, so I don't really talk to anyone). I also hate social events because of paranoia.

I have been asking to see a psychiatrist since I was 11 (I just turned 15), but I don't see the point any more. Everyone will just think I'm crazy and lock me away. I can't trust anyone enough to tell them my problems. I hope you don't think I am a coward. I try to be strong and brave, but I suppose I'm just a loser in this stupid world.

Thanks for reading.

darling, don't give up.
i too burned and cut and did so many horrible things to myself growing up, i too had periods where i felt so alone i just wanted to die.
but it gets better.
don't give up.
you are a gem.

- monica

[Alizarasky0315]

You can always msg me if you need someone to chat, back and forth with. I'm in a lot of pain too and sometimes I feel the exact same way that you do. If you wanna talk I will try to help as much as I can. Having a positive outlet, like this forum has helped me.
p.s. I love Balto!

[Chopin99]

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.