[Ms_Terious]

I'm new to this forum, and just learning how to use it. I tried posting the following in the "Anxiety" topic first, to little avail. It was suggested I try here; I also posted this in "bi-polar", so don't think you're having deja vu if you look at that topic. So here is what I posted there. Someone please help!

First post:

I have a serious problem and am not sure which topic to go to. I am/was married to a chronic, serious liar. he promised to support me, but has failed miserably. He gives me just a little money every once in a while, but he still says he loves me.

I no longer love him, but can't afford to dump him altogether as I can't live on SSI alone. He's a truck driver, and rarely is home. I just found out he has a fiancee in another town. We got a divorce so I could get SSI - it was not supposed to mean anything except legally. Now I can't even sue him for alimony.

I don't know what to do. I'm not young and pretty like i used to be.

Where should I go for help? I'm bi-polar and on 4 meds already. there's no therapy available at the clinic I go to.
I'm scared to death of my future. I have two dogs, a cat and a horse who depend on me. Two of the dogs and the horse are too old to find new homes for - no one would want them and it would break all our hearts to be separated after all these years together. My truck is breaking down and I have no money to fix it or get another one.

My friends say I should get on a match-making site and find someone else, but I am so depressed and anxious I don't think I could make a good impression. Plus, the number of men that interest me is few, and I'd likely choose a bad one again. (I've been married 5 times.)

Thank you.
_______________________________________________________-
second post:

I've been up all night - can't sleep. i fell asleep at the computer, but when i lie down, all the hell of yesterday and what am I going to do starts running through my head.

Since my husband lies about everything, it's pointless to ask him what his intentions are - to marry his fiancee or stick with me. He'll only say what he thinks I want to hear or what covers his butt the best. So I'm left with wondering and waiting. I guess I could go sign up for the Yahoo Personals, but it costs money that I can ill afford. The freebie ad won't let you reply to anyone, ad won't let you list any contact info.

On no sleep, I'm rambling. Can't type, either. The anger and rage and depression is really bad.

I think he has worse mental problems than I do. His behavior is so erratic, so...insane....I wonder if he's schizo or bi-polar himself. He won't go to counseling, but I'm very tempted to tell him he needs to get a diagnosis. I don't know...I'm tying to find a place of center and balance, but it's not there. Three days ago he was engaged to some woman. yesterday he loved me (or said he did - he did come home, and at least brought a little money. Why would he boher to come back at all, after he changed cell numbers and disappeared for almost two weeks? He could have just disappeared forever. Three days ago he listed the other woman (if there's only one!)as a contact on a company doc; yesterday he assured me he would have me put on the list of contacts and change his address on the contract (for the lease of his truck with the company.) That's probably a lie - he won't do it.

My neighbor is telling me to "hone my wiles" and make myself more enticing, to get him to keep coming back and bringing money. I feel like a *****. I'm not good at being a vamp, anyway; I'm just an old tomboy country gal. A WYSIWYG.

"To thine own self be true".... what is true? What is right?

...I guess I'm in a hurry. I can't go on like this. I have to make a move, one way or the other....

Still don't know if I'm in the right topic for this.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ (((((((( HUGS ))))))))

First off I would not suggest that you hook up with a date site or any other person for that matter, a person needs a little time to their self when (and if) a relationship fails..... say about a year to get to know you again.
Second - I would start with seeing if you can get welfare, food stamps along with the SSI if it does indeed have to come to that.

I cannot tell you what to do in this situation, but I can be here to listen to you talk (and vent) as you try to work through all this in your own head..... you might want to talk to your PCP and see about being placed on some type of medicine to help you deal with all the undo stress.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[wi_fighter]

I second Rhapsody's advice, and definitely don't go trying to hook yourself up with someone else instantly. That's a recipe for disaster.

[LMo]

Wow Mysterious - your situation sounds stressful, to say the least.

I think your neighbor gave you some bad advice. Honing your wiles will merely keep you dependent upon either your husband or whoever takes his place. Your energy would be better spent on developing ways to make yourself self-sufficient.

Good luck...

[JustBen]

I agree with what everyone else has been saying so far. This doesn't seem like the right time to be looking for someone new. I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it. Hang in there.

[Ms_teer_y_us]

I changed my name and the forum wouldn't let me log in again, so I had to re-register. I thought "mysterious" might be putting people off, so now I'm "Seaweed".

I'm already on food stamps and medicaid (which pays for the four scrips I'm already taking for depression, anxiety and rage). I need more money! That's why I'm looking for another man.

My un-husband finally came through with a hundred bucks. (that's a whole $220 this year.) Now he wants to drop by for a few hours and get laid. Whoop-dee-f**n-do. Can't tell you how excited I am (not).

I guess $100 is better than none. I can't even get a part-time job, or I'll lose the SSI. They deduct most ofwhat you make from what they pay you, anyway, so it wouldn't help. Besides, since my disability is mental, if I work at all it would disqualify me. Bottom line - I couldn't work anyway; I wouldn't last a week.

I've wracked my brain (what's left of it) for ideas to make mney without reporting it, and so far have come up with nothng. I could get back into crafts (bone carving, beadwork), but with the arthritis in my hands and my failing vision, I don't think I could do it anymore. I did get an app't for an eye exam, but it won't be until Mar. 2. Then it will probably take another couple weeks before I get the glasses. Anyway, I have frequent vision changes, so a new scrip will have limited benefit.

I also have degenerating disks in my lower back and neck, causing several days of pain from very little exertion, and sometimes severe, incapacitating dizziness. Basically, I''m a basket case both physically and mentally, not to mention spiritually.

[Ms_teer_y_us]

I forgot to say "Thank you!" for replying. It's nice to have a little support, even if no ideas.

BTW, Medicaid will only pay for 3 scrips a month. I'm taking 4 already, and I'm sure when I get to a regular doctor there will be more

I'm preparing myself for the daunting task of quitting smoking - my choice is cigarettes or feeding my horse. That's my motivation. Dying doesn't scare me; I'm ready. I've had enough misery in this life to last several lifetimes.

I just can't commit suicide because I worry what would happen to my critters. Who wants an old horse and two old dogs, all who require special care? Please don't give me the spiel about "lung cancer is a horrible way to go". I've heard it enough. At least it's a ticket out, and would give me time to find a sympathetic person or persons who would take of my family.

Anyway, thanks for the support. Anyone who has any ideas how to make money under the table, without selling drugs or robbing banks, please let me know.

[wi_fighter]

"I need more money! That's why I'm looking for another man."

Going to be blunt here, but if you've gone through five men already and none of them have worked out, maybe men aren't the answer to your problems.

[rebecca8]

If it comes to the point where you cannot care for your animals anymore, or at least your horse, you can consider an animal sanctuary. Have you ever heard of Best Friends? Check out the website: bestfriends.org. You'll be amazed at the work they do. I know what you mean about being heartbroken if you were separated though. But, this place is definitely the place you would want your animals to be if you could not care for them anymore. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.
Rebecca

[Ms_teer_y_us]

Thanks, Rebecca, I'll check it out. Maybe they'd take me, too, and I could help care for the animals as a volunteer. I can't work hard anymore, but I can still give lots of love to critters.
As for the person who said they disagree with my neighbor, I do, too! She's counseling me (she's a retired social worker) to "be sweet all the time, and don't ask him any questions". She says I don't say things the right way! Apparently saying, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day." isn't good enough, I have to kiss his butt and be sacchrin sweet. I am disgusted by people who use phoney sweetness to get what they want, and now this woman is telling me that's the only way to be. She constantly criticicizes what I say and the way I say it. I'm getting really tired of it, but I owe her so much money, and for her help getting SSI, that I am indebted to her. I think she works people that way, getting them beholden to her so she can manipulate them.

Anyway, that's all beside the point, except that I told her today I didnt need any more criticism and negativity in my life right now. I need support and encouragement.

I used to be a strong, independent woman. It's really hard for me to back down and try to be a "good little woman". Ugh! The best I can do is try not to fly off the handle and let my "un" know how I really feel about him. It's hypocritical, but at this point I have to fight fire with fire, lies with lies, in hopes he'll keep giving me a little money from time to time. I've become a ***** at $100 a whack. That is so abhorent to me I could hardly write it. It's funny what we'll do to survive.

That's why I'm looking for another man - or some way to make money that's under the table. (Preferably the latter - I know I have incredibly bad judgment when it comes to men.)I've met too many homeless people who are getting the same income I am. They made a choice between a house or a vehicle, and chose the vehicle. that's all you can do on what the government considers "enough" for food, shelter, and clothes. I guess it is, if you don't need light, heat, water, transportation, or the companionship of a four-legged (or winged-one).

I'm venting again. I have so much rage! Some of it is at myself, for being stupid enough to be taken. Most of it is at people who take advantage of someone when they are down and desperate.

I'm not even sure (absolutely, that is) that my unhusband is really doing that. He shows just enough caring, gives just enough money, to almost let me believe he really loves me, but is really, really, nuts or incredibly stupid, or both. As I progress with my ranting here, I will probably give examples of the stupid lies he has told. It insults my intelligence. I want to scream at him, "HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM???".

What I need is someone (or some people) to help me remember how to cope. I studied psychology, I've been in counseling before, I used to have tools to work with. But now, between all the trauma, the old head injury, the resultant memory loss, and the effects of medication, I'm hard put to remember what I had for breakfast. I don't even think to wash my face or brush my teeth or comb my hair unless I have to go somewhere. It's 8 pm and this is the first time today I've even thought of those things.
You know, remind me of breathing excercises and stuff (see? that's the only one I can think of)......

Boly! I hope you guys have lots of time, to read my epistles! My neighbor is probably right about one of my flaws: "Too many words", she says. "Too many words."

[Ms_teer_y_us]

LMo, you said, "Your energy would be better spent on developing ways to make yourself self-sufficient."

Got any ideas? I'm open to suggestions. Anything would probably be easier than trying to fake normalcy to get a husband.

[Ms_teer_y_us]

WiFi said, "maybe men aren't the answer to your problems". I totally agree. I'm fading away from that idea. My neighbor starting pushing that idea at me, and I bought it for a while. Frankly, I don't want to be in a serious relationship now. I couldn't do it, and couldn't be fair to the guy.

I do dream of someday having a male companion to live with; someone to talk to, someone to share hobbies and events with, someone to hug and hold hands with, someone to have coffee with in the morning...
...but it's too late for that, I think. I'd have to meet my "soulmate", and if there is such a thing, it would be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack - and I don't have time for that. I'm burning the short end of the candle.

Maybe I could get a job as a counselor! LOL!

[Ms_teer_y_us]

OK, I'm going to shut up and listen for a while. I've vented myself right into (almost) a good mood!