Friendissue, feeling like second choice friend

Hi, me again and my "friendship issues".

So lately I got the feeling like I'm the "second best friend". I have a best friend, let's call her L. and she hangs a lot with another friend of hers: B.
They hang out a lot, and sometimes it makes me jealous that they hang out that much. When we go out with the three of us, B. demands a lot of attention from L., so it gives me the feeling like I'm just there for when B. isn't hanging around with L. Like I'm the second choice friend?

I know L. doesn't mean it that way and she probably hasn't noticed it yet. Problem is: I'm jealous at their "bonding" like they're really BFF's and would do anything together. And I'm just there...like...when nothing else is around.
I don't know if I should talk to my friend about it, but if I do, I don't know how she might take it, if she'd be mad or if she'd...I don't know. I'm also feeling very very down lately, but that's not for this topic, so I think it hangs a bit together.
Sorry if it sounds a bit confusing...

Not confusing at all ... Many's the time I've felt like a third wheel or last resort in certain friendships ... I generally busy myself with other endeavors and it doesn't take long to figure out exactly where I fit in the grander scheme of things ...

It's sad that not all of our friendships can be "everything" we need them to be ... It took me a long, long time to figure out that there are many kinds of friends ... From those you can call in the middle of the night to those who are just buddies, pals or mere acquaintances ... AaRrGgHh ... More shades of gray than this black and white thinker can process on her best day ... I wish you the best in getting it all sorted out ... I'm doing a little better, but I haven't quite gotten it all figured out just yet myself ...

Sincerely,
BC

Hi, I know what it's like to have friendship issues. I tend to be highly sensitive when it comes to attachments.
I think you should keep in mind that you being down probably has an influence on how you are feeling about your friendship with L. Also, though it is difficult for me to do I think it is important to understand that phases will come and go within the friendship. If you have an established "normal" with L. most likely things will balance back to that.
If I get too uncomfortable I am the type to try to have a conversation with my friend about how I'm feeling. But, sometimes as an exercise of caution (sense it can come across as too needy) I'll decide to not talk about how I'm feeling at least until I am absolutely certain that something weird is up. So often, differences like you are experiencing are more about perspective than anything else. You have to know, if you can, that it is not about you and trust that whatever draws you together as friends is still in tact. Attempt to shift your thinking away from feeling "unchosen" and hold on to your value as a friend. Most likely L. would not want for you to be feeling the way you are feeling right now.

How did you deal with it? What did you do?

"Broken Cloud, I think that what you have said is so fitting and something I need to hear myself."

Well, when I started feeling as if I was second rate, I'd just quietly back away a bit ... I'd involve myself in other interests and wait for a call ...

If a call did come and it was something I was interested in doing, I'd participate ... If I wasn't interested, I'd pass ...

Those who are real friends will continue to call ... Those who aren't will eventually quit calling ...

They'll realize that you aren't willing to just sit there waiting for a last minute call or invite, and they'll find someone else to fill that role ...

In the meantime, you'll be building self esteem which eventually will lead you to see that you deserve friends who will treat your friendship like the gift and treasure that it is ...

All of us deserve to be treated with dignity and respect ... Never forget that ... And never, ever settle for less ... !!!

Yeah, I'm backing away too, but I don't wanna sit around waiting for one of them to ask me to go out or something. Because then they can be like: well, you never ask to meet up as well so why would we?

It just makes me feel like I'm not worth it, like I'm good to have around when other people aren't but when someone else is there I can go.
And I wanna talk to her about it, but I don't know if that's a good idea. It's not a good idea to not talk about it cuz it actually is getting me like depressed :/

Talking with her about it is not a bad idea ... Just make sure you're in a place you can handle whatever responses may arise without it sending you into a deeper funk ... I think that somewhere deep inside us we already know what the answers are ... Sometimes we just need to hear it out loud for final confirmation ... If it's okay I'm sending you a for moral support and hopes for a positive outcome ... Keep me posted ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

Thank you!
I'll talk about it, but maybe later, I gotta sort things out and think about how I'll say things so she won't be offended or anything...

If your friend is actually a TRUE friend, then talking to her about it won't ruin the friendship, it will make it stronger. Obviously, you can't own your friends. You need other friends, just like L. does, otherwise there is no room for growth. If the two of you don't explore friendships with other people, you are holding each other back from potential learning experiences, since everyone has something special and different to offer. If it were me, I would give L. a call and tell her that I miss spending time with her and would like to hang out more often. If you are direct and honest about your emotions, it is likely that L. will understand and make an effort to spend more time with you. If she is upset about your feelings, she will either get over it in a few days after she has had time to think about it and work through her own possible feelings of guilt for hurting you, or she will prove to you the depth of her friendship and loyalty to you. Either way, you will know whether or not it is a good idea to invest more time and emotion into your relationship with her.

What ever you decide, don't dwell on the possibilities. Take action, based on how important the friendship is to YOU. If you truly value her as a friend, then being honest with her is the best thing you can do. If you look into you heart and realize that you don't value her friendship as much as you thought you did, and are more concerned with the withdrawal or rejection you feel from her, than it's best to move on and take the friendship to something more casual/superficial. People will always flow into and out of your life because our paths through life do not follow a linear pattern, but they rather weave - they ebb and flow. There may be a reason this friend needs distance from you at this time in her life. This other friend might have a lesson for her, and when that lesson has been realized, your friend may find herself drifting back to you to continue the closeness you once had. Friendships are everlasting, if you nurture them. But you have to be willing to let the other person lead their own life, even if what they need differs from your needs at the moment. Friendship involves understanding, loving, and accepting. Understand and accept that your friend is exploring relationships with people other than you, and have FAITH that those relationships do not imply replacing you, and are not a threat to you. If you have a true friendship with L., she will find her way back to you when she is ready. Talking to her about your feelings will help you vent, and also help her evaluate the role that this new friend has in her life. Either way, it will ensure that you do not resent her for your perceived abandonment, because you made your feelings known and let her make her own choices.

P.S., I have had friends that have lost touch with me for years, only to pop back up in my life later. Some of these friends, when they returned, helped me realize that their friendship was not healthy for me and that the loss of the relationship, although painful at first, was for the best. Other times, the friend returns to my life only to pick back up where we left off as if we had never been apart. Stay open to what comes, and don't worry about the things you can't control - and you cannot control other people, or decide what their needs are for them. You also cannot expect them to fulfill your needs.

Hope this helps. It's a difficult thing to let go of something that we want. From a Buddhist perspective, enlightenment comes from endeavoring to cleanse yourself of "wants" and simply accept what "is". Just the act of reminding myself to do this has helped me get through a lot of situations like this, since I am a very jealous and possessive person. It's a battle, but I wish you the best and hope you find a way to make peace with this legitimate struggle.

Good luck :-) Hugs!

I was part of a triangle like that. The two of us that hung out together most often, lived closest to one another; it was more convenient for us to get together. If you and B are neighborhood/past friends and L works with B or something, then B does have the best of both worlds and it could be that right now whatever real-world connection there is with L might be "easier"/fresher/newer than what she has with you. I might look for other friends of my own too so I don't feel so vulnerable to not having anyone to do something with.

Too, I think I would try to come up with a couple activities and invite one or both to them, rather than wait for them to invite you. If you "feel" like a third wheel, you might be acting like one? We have to ask others to do things as much as we wish they would ask us to. It sounds like you are closer to B than L too; I would try to do some things with L, alone, if you like her and would like her to be a good friend. That might help make the threesome feel stronger to you also.

Thank you for your answer. You're right. Not because she hangs out a lot with another friend, does it mean she wants to ditch me..
I'm going on a trip for a few days and when I come back I'll talk to her about it, so it'll give me some time to think too.

I'm just scared that I won't have any friends, like for going out and when something bothers me. I don't wanna end up alone or something.

thanks for this thread cuz i feel like the 3rd wheel too.

my friend and i grew up together, went to the same schools, invited to the same parties, she was in my wedding, and her parents grew up knowing my parents from the old country.

anyway she met her friends thru work and now that they don't work together they still keep in touch.

when we all go out they talk about things that i can't add too or relate.

another thing that upsets me with her is sometimes when we make plans to go out she cancels at the last minute because one of her family members needs her for something. that drives me crazy!

the past 2 weeks my friend has been txting me she wants to go out and exchange christmas gifts. i txt her back that i am busy.

And, sometimes it's not about where our friends are at, but rather where we are at ...

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/...arthe-weyandt/

Here's a good link about friendships/relationships. Whether you practice yoga or not, this is a good look at what friends are. Remember what friends are, and what you are. Wishing you the best of luck and love, and sending you strength.