[CompletelyDiff]

I don't know where to start... but I have been a lesbian since I can remember. As a young child I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I have been working through the abuse and beleive that I am over it. However a side effect has been that I now find that I am not as much as a lesbian as I had once thought. This is difficult because I have been in a commited relationship for 14 years. This would devastate her. I am very confused - and not just a bit frustrated. I have never heard of anyone developing heterosexual tendencies. Has anyone out there had a similar experience.

[Sam]

Hello CompletelyDiff and welcome to our forum.

My ex-wife is gay - would have been ever so nice had she told me when we were dating, and of course, it never occurred to me to ask her, and again, I didn't see any signs stating she was gay - as in she didn't hang a shingle on her forehead stating, "I am a Lesbian". So how was I to know? Sighsss.

But, in getting back to your question, my ex-wife was sexually abused by her father, so much so, that any sexual experience with her was a very rare thing - something I just knew I was ever so blessed when it happened.

It completely turned her off of men, and while she did try to live a straight life - it was simply more than she could bear - and to be honest, I'm not so sure I could have handled it had she had continued trying.

Last I heard, she had married a woman in Texas. Even sent that woman a condolence card! Bet she had no idea of what she was getting into!

But my ex-wife hasn't ever forgiven me for sending that card, or had thoughts of turning straight. So I don't have any answers sweetie, but will tell you this ... you only live once, so whatever you decide, make sure it is the right thing for you first.

Please do keep us informed to your progress and feel free to post as often as you like.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[PlanningtoLive]

hi Completely, welcome to the boards.......

When did this side effect start happening? Something trigger the memories?

I don't think you are developing straight tendencies, esp. not when you've been with someone for 14 years. There are always times when we wonder if we've made the right decision and may question it, but deep down you know where your preferences are.......

Try to work thru where your thoughts have been coming from and deal with those issues. I wouldn't mention it to your partner, esp. if/when you work it out within yourself.

Take care.

Mary Alice

[LMo]

Hi CD:
Welcome welcome.

Your post was short, but I'll just throw out some ideas that may or may not apply to you.

Are you more concerned that you feel yourself mentally straying from your partner, or because you're thinking about a different gender? If I were in her shoes, I would be devastated just at the idea that you're thinking about other people, regardless of gender. But I guess that it's with a man would be a double-slap in the face, from what you implied, right?

Could it be that you're just a little bit bored? I think that happens in many long term relationships. The intimacy can often become routine and maybe your imagination is looking for something to kick-start your sexuality. Lots of "straight" people have gay fantasies, and also kinky fantasies -- doing things that they are normally not inclined to do, just to keep their mind turned on.

You're hitting on something I've always been confused about with other people. Why do we consider it necessary to label OURSELVES as gay or straight or whatever? Maybe you just like people. I've had relationships with both men and women and I know that I wouldn't want to limit myself either way by putting a label on myself. For some reason, that annoys people (usually the women) by not "committing" to on version or the other, but I just don't see the point in doing that.

Anyway, hope to see you post more. You can always PM one of us privately if you prefer.

Welcome again,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[CompletelyDiff]

Hello,
Thanks for the responses. I know my posting was breif but I had to get started somehow. Yes, my current relationship is not very sexually fulfilling, but it has never been. I do believe our relationship is much deeper than that.
As far as when this started happening...
I have always had sexual fantasies about men, but only recently have I allowed myself not to feel guilty about them. I used to torture myself about it. I used guilt to keep me from acting out or being promiscuous AND to repel my stepfather. I am beginning to suspect that I was never really gay - rather I most likely have been bisexual and in denial.
I don't want to cheat on my partner, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. It is fair to either of us if I am really unhappy in the relationship and stay in it because I don't want to hurt her or am afraid?
I don't know what to do. Sometimes the feelings are very strong. And recently I have not been fulfilled by my partner without fantasizing. Although I know that is not uncommon, it is for me. It makes me uncomfortable that I would have to pretend. And it feels like I'm cheating. I love my partner, but I don't want to continue in a lie. I care about her, but I am not fulfilled by her.
I am very confused by these feelings.

[jennie]

lesbian is just a label. maybe you fall in love with the person, regardless of what gender they may be. you think in the afterlife we take our sexual organs with us?? accept you for who you are. (((((Huggs))))))

......just my opinion

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[LMo]

I know what you mean. You're in a tough spot.

You have the same issue regardless of sexual preference. You're in a relationship that you think might not be right for you for the long run, but you feel guilty about ending it because you know it will hurt her.

I think you should focus on the relationship aspect first, and then think about the gender issue. She is going to be hurt either way, but I think it would be a little easier to stomach that it just isn't working out, rather than having her stress out that you might have been fantasizing about something else the entire time you were with her.

What do you think? I'm sorry you're going through this. 14 years is a long time.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[CompletelyDiff]

Your very understanding and gentle. Thanks.
How do I determine if this is the right relationship?
I am not physically attracted to her.
I am thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else. No one in particular.
I am not the type of person that cheats.
Do you think I should talk to her about these feelings?

[LMo]

Well, I used to be married. My ex-husband made the same decision that you did -- that I was not the right person for him in the long run. Although I didn't feel the way he did, I can agree that someone should not stay in a relationship they aren't happy in. But, what hurt me the most is that he didn't tell me until he had already made up his mind to leave -- he thought he was sparing me a lot of pain by going through the decision process on his own... but instead, it was a big bombshell that he dropped. I really wish he could have expressed his doubts somewhere along the way so that I would have felt like I had a little bit of time to process the information before it was completely over.

But on the other hand, it would have been a huge emotional rollercoaster ride.

What about asking her to see a marriage counselor with you? That would give her an inkling that things are not smooth sailing for you, but still gives her some feelings of being able to make repairs if possible. If you can find a therapist that will see you by yourself AND with your partner, then that would be great. Not all therapists will do this, but some will. Forum support is excellent -- but some BIG decisions (like yours) could probably benefit from some in-person help as well. If you do decide to end the relationship, your partner will need all the grief support she can get, and having had established a relationship with a therapist ahead of time will give her some continuity. And help your partner feel like she is part of the decision. And who knows? Maybe once you get going in the discussions, maybe you'll both discover that your partner has some similar feelings deep down inside.

But I'd definitely recommend the therapist, if you can talk your partner into going. And if she's not into it, then I would still think you'd get a lot out of going by yourself.

And take care of yourself, most importantly,
Peace,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Sam]

CompletelyDiff (((((HUGS))))) sweetie,

First, I'd like to say that I really liked what Purebugg and LMo had to say. I'd really love to add something to this - I don't know how important it is, but my poor little brain is just too tired (or dead) to put it into words right now.

Funny how one knows what they want to say, but not how to word it <bangs head on desk>. Maybe sleep might help and I'll try again tomorrow evening.

I will say this - I admire you for trying to be true to your partner and to yourself. And in the way you are trying so hard to not hurt either of you.

I am glad you found us.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[conklinca]

If you were abused by your stepfather, isn't it possible that your intrinsic tendency was that of a heterosexual but that the abuse made homosexuality feel safer? I am a firm believer that environment does play a role in sexual tendencies, and I have struggled with my own sexual identity for a time after being abused by various men. Now that you have undergone therapy, perhaps the "real you" and your true tendencies don't need to be hidden like before.

[CompletelyDiff]

Con - Thanks, that's what I'm wondering. I also think its unfair to both of us.